04/10/2017
The power of the spoken word...
Oh boy have I been slashed by some of the sharpest tongues that ever existed! and yes, those wounds cut deep, mega deep. Tempting as it is to retaliate with a vocal volley of equal proportions, I've found some of the best ways to try to combat and neutralise the burns of an acid tongue are to share it with a trusted friend, preferably with a bottle of bubbles and some chocolate.
Get that damn anger and hurt out, journal it, yell it into your pillow, you have a right to feel pi**ed when someone attacks you, when someone makes you feel 'lesser than'. But once you've discharged that initial intense emotions, the challenge then is not to dwell, a big ask, believe me I know!
I've spent way too many a night ruminating over what went wrong in my relationships with friends, family, neighbours, even colleagues. Seems I have quite the knack of pi***ng people off, often when I call them out on their bu****it. Funny about that!
But at the end of the day, if I can honestly analyse my own part in the situation, and know deep in my heart that I was always kind, that I was always helpful, always supportive, even if I was a bit annoying sometimes, then their anger, their nasty words, well it's their s**t, and there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do about it.
I've had friends that have walked away during my darkest hour, and some that used my fragile state to attack me and kick me when I'm down. And believe me, I've laid awake many, many nights wondering "what did I do wrong?"... "what did I do to deserve this?". And because I got no answers to my eternal, internal questioning, I finally realised that I may never know what was going on for them that made them act that way towards me. Sure it still hurts sometimes, ok, a lot of the time, especially when I allow myself to think of the love that I had for those people, the deep, loyal, compassionate feelings I had for them, that are not reciprocated anymore, any maybe never were? Because, at the end of the day, many people declare that they love you, that you are one of their closest friends, but their actions speak louder than words,(except for those really angry, shouty words that they were hurling at you, you heard those loud and clear!!)
And that's where the difference lies I guess. Whereas I might lash out if provoked, and especially in self defence, I would never, could never, scream such hurtful things at someone. My sensitive heart just wouldn't allow it. I would rather take some time out from that person, think about what I really want to say, and then approach them with my feelings and thoughts. I am also quite capable or saying sorry when I am wrong, even if my pride may initially fool me into thinking it's all their fault. I would rather heal a rift than lose someone dear to my heart, because being the sensitive type, it's actually really hard for me to stop loving someone, even if I may be totally pi**ed off with them at the time. Even when someone virtually destroys me, I still reminisce about the good times, the bond we shared, I can't easily just cut someone out of my life and move on. It takes a lot of soul searching, and being pushed to absolute limits before I will quit on a relationship, even long after it's over. You see that damn loyal Leo streak in me makes it super hard to just say "f**k 'em" and move right along. Instead I agonise over what happened, I replay all the magic moments we shared in my mind like a worn out old movie. But in the end, for my own sanity, to heal my own hurting heart, I need to find ways to turn that thinking off. I have to ask myself "why do you still care?"....because at the end of the day, they sure ain't losing any sleep over me!
So....if someone else can't see that their actions have caused me extreme pain and despair, then why do I still care? This is when you have to let what's gone before, keep on going, right out the f**king door! Life is too short to put up with someone else's crap, you are not obliged to tolerate someone else's bad behaviour just because you love them. Because if they loved you equally in return, they would either not do it in the first place, or apologise profusely after the fact. So if someone walks all over your heart and cuts you like a knife with their words, the best thing you can do for yourself is replace those bitter words with loving, kind, nurturing words of your own. Do the meditation...Do the affirmations...wrote inspirational quotes on post-it notes and stick them all over your bloody house...to hell what visitors think!
It's ok to remind yourself that you're ok, you are a good person, you are kind, loving, creative, generous...
It's ok to replace those s**tty words with beautiful, self-nurturing words that feed your soul, that 'taste' delicious in your mouth, instead of leaving a bitter after-taste.
So next time you're tempted to believe someone else's s**t, remind yourself that you did your best, and for whatever reason it just wasn't good enough for THEM, and probably for reasons that you will never know, THEY were triggered somehow by something you did or said, often something quite innocent and innocuous, and their reaction, or over-reaction is their 'stuff'...not yours.
Do not let someone else's words make you feel 'less than' anymore, but let your own words to your-self be positive, kind, and fabulously f**king tasty!
We said this to ourselves to nurse the wounds that words caused us, to tell ourselves that it didn’t hurt, that we were fine.
