12/10/2025
You Can’t Hug a Horse into Harmony
(To help horses, we have to get acutely aware of our humanness - and how it messes with them.)
It’s a beautiful instinct - your horse gets anxious, and you reach out with the full force of your nurturing superpower.
You speak softly. You stroke their neck. Maybe you even produce a treat, like a peace offering to the gods of calm.
Because that’s what good humans do, right?
We soothe. We comfort. We co-regulate.
And when that doesn’t work, we try to appease.
Except… your horse isn’t a human.
And he knows you’re losing it.
Your soft talking, neck stroking, cookie offering - none of it really works.
Add inner panic, and suddenly you’re the emotional support primate making things worse.
Why Your Comfort Makes Them Uncomfortable
Humans make safety through words, warmth, hugs - and, if you’re British or Australian, a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Horses, on the other hand, make safety through synchrony.
As herd dynamic expert Kerry Thomas says:
“Horses seek two things - harmony in their environment and contentment with their peers.”
They’re wired to sync, not snuggle.
They survive by reading the world together, not by being patted by a well-meaning human.
So when you lean in with soft words, flailing empathy, and a pocket full of cookies, the horse doesn’t think,
“Aw, she loves me - I must be safe.”
He thinks,
“I’m all alone. I’m probably going to die. And I’m being restrained by this grabby, cookie-vending primate.”
You meant comfort.
He feels alarm and frustration.
The Herd, the Human, and the Hack
When you can focus a horse’s attention and make sense to them, you plug into their herd-wired brain.
You become something they can follow - not because they’ve decided you’re their leader, but because you finally make sense and you’ve given them something they’re motivated to follow.
To a horse, predictability is safety.
And safety is harmony.
That’s the essence of connection - not romance, not rescue, but clarity that makes the world less confusing.
How to Overcome Your Human Ways of Soothing
Step 1️⃣: Stop doing the human thing.
Step 2️⃣: Learn how to be understandable.
Step 3️⃣: Try not to take it personally when your horse prefers calm clarity over cuddles.
Learn who horses actually are - not who Black Beauty told you they were.
Learn how they see, think, and find safety.
Learn how to direct focus, give meaning to pressure, and stay steady when they’re uncertain.
If your horse is struggling, they’re not rejecting you - they’re inviting you to get better at making sense.
Because you can’t hug a horse into harmony - but you can lead them into it, when you stop being purely human and start being a human who understands the horse - so find your teacher that makes sense to you ❤
P.S. Yes, I know — there’ll be 4,534 comments about that horse who “loves hugs and scratches.”
This post isn’t about that. Of course horses can learn to enjoy scratches and even seek them out — they’re generous like that. But this is about what they need from us to feel secure and safe.
And yes, you can build meaning with positive reinforcement and treats — but that still takes the same knowledge and skill set I’m talking about.
This is Collectable Advice Entry 50/365 of my notebook challenge for you to SAVE, hit the SHARE button but not to copy and paste :)
