29/12/2025
Protest Behaviours of Avoidant Attachment
Just like anxious-preoccupied partners protest by pursuing or clinging, dismissive-avoidant partners also have protest behaviours. These look different on the surface—they push away rather than pull closer—but underneath, they come from the same place: fear of being hurt, abandoned, or engulfed.
Side note: Another name for protest behaviours can be activating or deactivating strategies. Avoidants are more on the deactivating strategy side.
Avoidant protest behaviours aren’t conscious choices. They are survival strategies, usually formed in childhood when it felt safer to disconnect from feelings and relationships than to risk vulnerability.
Yesterday I shared the Anxiously Attached protest behaviours if you would like to check those out.
I personally love seeing these kinds of things laid out like this because it explains so much and makes so much sense.
Oftentimes avoidants get a bad wrap because their protective behaviours are seen as cold and harsh, but in my experience, the colder and harsher the person, the more they've been hurt in life and have built walls to protect themselves the best way they knew how at the time. Underneath those walls are such beautiful, loving hearts. (This isn't to excuse avoidant behaviours or a justification for anyone to tolerate abuse, but to understand at a deep level what's actually going on).
A lot of avoidant behaviours are also mislabled as Narcissistic, but narcissism is its own thing. They are different. Yes, some avoidants also have Narcissistic traits, but not all avoidants are Narcissists. In fact, narcissism is found moreso within Anxious and Fearful Avoidant attachment.
It may not be seen as often, but it's absolutely possible for Avoidantly attached people to heal and earn their Secure attachment. I personally have a soft side for those who are avoidant because my Husband used to be Dismissive Avoidant. He has since done a lot of work to heal and I'd classify him now as Secure leaning Avoidant (which is massive) ✨️
Anyhow, let's get into it ⬇️
Below are the most common protest behaviours in dismissive-avoidant attachment—why they exist, how they backfire, and what to do instead.
🛡 1. Stuffing Down Painful Feelings
Childhood roots:
Grew up in an environment where emotions were discouraged, ignored, or punished.
Subconscious benefit:
Keeps overwhelming feelings out of awareness, reducing immediate distress.
Downside:
Feelings leak out later as irritability, coldness, or shutdown.
Do instead:
Practice noticing sensations in the body. Allow small feelings to surface safely, bit by bit.
🛡 2. Minimising or Rose-Coloured View of Childhood
Childhood roots:
It felt unsafe to acknowledge pain or unmet needs.
Subconscious benefit:
Protects loyalty to parents and avoids painful truths.
Downside:
Blocks healing and keeps old wounds unprocessed.
Do instead:
Gently explore childhood with compassion. Journaling, therapy, or parts work can help access hidden truths.
🛡 3. “If I Could Just Get It Right” Thinking
Childhood roots:
Learned that love and approval came only through performance or perfection.
Subconscious benefit:
Creates an illusion of control and self-sufficiency.
Downside:
Leads to burnout, self-criticism, and distance from others.
Do instead:
Practice self-acceptance and allow imperfection to be part of relationships.
🛡 4. Saying the Relationship is Fine When It’s Not
Childhood roots:
Grew up in families where problems were denied or avoided.
Subconscious benefit:
Maintains surface-level harmony and avoids conflict.
Downside:
Partner feels unseen, and real issues never get resolved.
Do instead:
Practice honesty in small doses: “Part of me says it’s fine, but another part knows something feels off.”
🛡 5. Minimising Partner’s Feelings / Calling Them “Too Emotional”
Childhood roots:
Caregivers dismissed emotions as weakness or overreaction.
Subconscious benefit:
Keeps intimacy at a safe distance.
Downside:
Creates resentment and deepens partner’s insecurity.
Do instead:
Even if you don’t understand, validate: “I hear you feel hurt, and I want to understand more.”
🛡 6. Avoiding Conflict
Childhood roots:
Conflict in the home felt dangerous or overwhelming.
Subconscious benefit:
Reduces risk of escalation.
Downside:
Builds unspoken resentment and prevents repair.
Do instead:
Start with small, safe conflicts and practice staying present.
🛡 7. Distancing from the Relationship
Childhood roots:
Learned that closeness leads to pain or rejection.
Subconscious benefit:
Creates safety through space.
Downside:
Partner feels abandoned, fueling negative cycles.
Do instead:
Share when you need space, with reassurance you’ll come back.
🛡 8. Seeking Comfort Elsewhere (Hobbies, Work, Addictions, Other Relationships)
Childhood roots:
Needs were met through distraction, not emotional attunement.
Subconscious benefit:
Keeps painful vulnerability at bay.
Downside:
Partner feels shut out or second place.
Do instead:
Balance personal outlets with intentional quality time in the relationship.
🛡 9. Defensiveness Against Real or Perceived Criticism
Childhood roots:
Criticism felt like attack or rejection.
Subconscious benefit:
Protects fragile self-worth.
Downside:
Blocks growth and fuels conflict cycles.
Do instead:
Pause before responding. Try: “What I hear you saying is…”
🛡 10. Denying Their Own Relationship Needs
Childhood roots:
Needs weren’t met, so it felt safer to disown them.
Subconscious benefit:
Maintains the illusion of independence.
Downside:
Needs leak out indirectly, creating confusion.
Do instead:
Acknowledge small needs first (affection, rest, support).
🛡 11. Deflecting or Counter-Blaming
Childhood roots:
It wasn’t safe to admit mistakes.
Subconscious benefit:
Protects from shame.
Downside:
Partner feels dismissed, escalating conflict.
Do instead:
Try ownership: “I can see how I contributed to this.”
🛡 12. Passive Aggression, Sarcasm, or Biting Humour
Childhood roots:
Direct anger wasn’t safe to express.
Subconscious benefit:
Releases frustration indirectly.
Downside:
Partner feels mocked or attacked.
Do instead:
Practice naming anger directly: “I’m frustrated because…”
🛡 13. Excessive Use of Facts and Reason
Childhood roots:
Emotions weren’t safe, but intellect was valued.
Subconscious benefit:
Keeps vulnerability hidden under logic.
Downside:
Partner feels dismissed and disconnected.
Do instead:
Balance facts with feelings: “Here’s what I think, and here’s what I feel.”
🛡 14. Appeasing Partner to Keep the Peace
Childhood roots:
Peacekeeping role in family of origin.
Subconscious benefit:
Avoids conflict in the short-term.
Downside:
Builds hidden resentment and erodes authenticity.
Do instead:
Express small, honest preferences.
🛡 15. Overvaluing Independence
Childhood roots:
Learned to rely only on self.
Subconscious benefit:
Protects from dependency and disappointment.
Downside:
Blocks intimacy and interdependence.
Do instead:
Reframe independence as compatible with healthy interdependence.
🛡 16. Pushing Away Emotional Closeness
Childhood roots:
Closeness once led to hurt or rejection.
Subconscious benefit:
Reduces vulnerability.
Downside:
Prevents deep connection and healing.
Do instead:
Allow small moments of closeness, then slowly expand your window of tolerance.
🛡 17. Shutting Down in Conflict
Childhood roots:
Shutdown was a survival mechanism when overwhelmed.
Subconscious benefit:
Protects from escalation.
Downside:
Partner feels stonewalled and abandoned.
Do instead:
Say, “I need a break but I’ll come back in 30 minutes.”
🛡 18. Distancing When Asked About Feelings
Childhood roots:
Feelings weren’t safe to share.
Subconscious benefit:
Avoids vulnerability.
Downside:
Partner feels shut out.
Do instead:
Start with surface feelings, then deepen slowly over time.
🛡 19. Stonewalling
Childhood roots:
Emotional withdrawal was modeled or necessary for survival.
Subconscious benefit:
Creates safety by disengaging.
Downside:
Intensifies partner’s anxiety and creates deep rifts.
Do instead:
Agree on a pause, then return to the conversation.
🛡 20. Fix-It Mode
Childhood roots:
Love and worth tied to being useful.
Subconscious benefit:
Maintains control, avoids vulnerability.
Downside:
Partner feels unseen emotionally.
Do instead:
Ask first: “Do you want me to listen or help?”
🛡 21. Avoiding Difficult Topics
Childhood roots:
Conflict or vulnerability wasn’t safe.
Subconscious benefit:
Keeps calm on the surface.
Downside:
Problems build, partner feels avoided.
Do instead:
Schedule check-ins for important conversations.
🛡 22. Moving Target (Changing Their Story About Feelings)
Childhood roots:
Learned to disconnect from feelings quickly.
Subconscious benefit:
Reduces discomfort.
Downside:
Partner feels confused and invalidated.
Do instead:
Allow mixed feelings: “I feel both X and Y right now.”
🛡 23. Making Hurtful Comments
Childhood roots:
Criticism or shaming language was normalized.
Subconscious benefit:
Pushes partner away when closeness feels overwhelming.
Downside:
Damages trust and connection.
Do instead:
Slow down and name your real feeling underneath (fear, overwhelm, sadness).
💜 What Loved Ones Can Do
If you love someone with dismissive-avoidant attachment, you may feel shut out, invisible, or confused by their distancing. It’s important to remember: their protest behaviours are not about your worth. They are survival strategies built long ago.
Here are some ways you can support:
Stay grounded and steady:
Don’t take their distance personally.
Give space without disappearing: Respect their need for autonomy, while remaining consistently present.
Validate gently: Even if they don’t open up, let them know their feelings matter.
Model secure relating: Share your own needs calmly, without blame.
Invite, don’t push: Encourage closeness in small ways, and celebrate little steps forward.
Your role isn’t to fix them—it’s to offer a safe and consistent presence as they do their own healing work.
And remember, we can have compassion for our survival adaptations/trauma responses, but we also need to own them and do the inner work to heal ❤️🩹
