05/12/2025
You wanna see my autism?
Don’t look at me when I’m well rested.
Don’t look at me when I’ve had time to mentally prepare.
Don’t look at me when everything around me is calm, structured, familiar.
In those moments, sure, I manage. I compensate. I “function.”
But if you really want to see it…
Watch me when I’m tired.
When the mask slips without my permission.
When my brain explodes because there’s one background noise too many.
When talking takes effort, when connecting feels heavy, when just existing costs all my energy.
Watch me when I rock back and forth, blasting music in my headphones to recentre myself… or just because it feels good.
When I retreat to my cocoon at 7pm because my social bar is empty.
That’s when you’ll see my autism.
Not because it wasn’t there before, but because I can’t (and don’t want to) hide it anymore.
When I’m tired or in my safe space, I go back to raw.
Back to real.
Back to who I am without the filter, without the performance of “acting normal.”
And then you’ll notice it:
the need for routine,
the rigidity in my tone,
the struggle with unpredictability,
the sensory overwhelm spilling over,
the shutdown creeping in…
and also me dancing with my music, singing loudly, painting for hours… in an apartment that definitely isn’t spotless.
That’s release.
Because masking drains you dry.
And when there’s no energy left, the real me comes back out, the one with a differently wired brain, the one who spends a ridiculous amount of energy every day just to be “understood.”
So no, I’m not “a little autistic” just because I seem to function well.
I’m autistic all the time.
It’s just that when I’m tired or safe… that’s when you finally notice it.
And if I “never look autistic” around you… it probably means you’re not safe enough for me to show it.
(If you speak french i also have a french page : Bien Être NeuroAtypique )