10/13/2025
I’m thankful for the pain.
Gosh, that line is cliché. But we’ve just celebrated Thanksgiving, so we’re practicing, right? I would never have chosen this path. Ever. I wouldn’t have wished it on anyone. But I can truly say, I’m so thankful. Thankful to be stopped in my tracks. I didn’t like where that track was headed, why would I want to go there? I’ve said a few times, In this season, my internal reactions have a projector screen. Stress of any kind equaled pain, numbness, loss of mobility, loss of sight and hearing, fatigue and brain fog like a heavy wet blanket on my mind. I couldn’t ignore things any longer. I couldn’t deny them. I could choose to put off dealing with them, but I finally realized my health was really precious. And time was passing. I still struggle, but I’m learning to be thankful even when a moment is not what I’d wished for, unideal, not what it was, not where I’d hoped I’d be. I could wait until things were perfect to be happy, hoping and praying and trying my absolute best to heal myself. But it was my life, full of blessings and my beautiful family, and however painful it was, that moment was going to pass and I wasn’t going to get it back.
I could no longer pretend that I could handle it. Every signal was shouting the opposite.
I’ve learned (who am I kidding, I’m still learning) to listen to my body’s gentle requests and screaming demands for rest and care, and to pause and respond to God’s gentle pushing and pulling, leading me down or away from certain paths. I’m learning that that kind of health includes my mind and emotions and relationships. The trick here is sometimes I (and most North Americans, I’m guessing) have structured my life without any white space—there’s no rest time or emergency response system in place. Something goes not according to plan and, whoops, I have no extra time or energy to deal with it. And, really, it feels very unambitious to leave room in a schedule. That’s not exactly a glamourous headline of success. If I’m not busy and stressed and lugging around an overwhelmingly packed schedule, I would feel inferior to so many people I talk to. I would see them and think, wow…what drive, what passion, what accomplishments! I want that. I still think that. I’d be amazed and impressed and so proud of them. All things I wanted other people to think about me. Because, being entirely open here, I have realized that I used to think, really think, deep, deep down, that other people’s thoughts and opinions of me defined my worth and identity. That’s not exactly new, we’ve all read or heard someone talking about it. But it just became shockingly clear to me. As much as I paid lip service to how we shouldn’t care what other people think of us…I not only did, it was a silent weigh scale in my mind of how much gold there really was in me.
The number of issues in that last paragraph, eh? So much of the digging in the soil of my soul these last years often boils down to the issue of my identity. Who was I and was I good enough? Am I good enough, even if I have less capacity than someone else? Ouch. Even if I choose to take time to rest, be with my family, or, wild thought here, spend time with the Lord—like every day—even when I’m behind on my To Do list? Yikes. The pressure. The pride. As if it was all up to me. As if I am even capable of ordering my world. It’s frustrating, but I’m not. I’ve tried and failed so many times, you’d think I would have figured that out. Oh, we have responsibilities. There’s wisdom and learning and growth, and I love those things. They really do remove a lot of pain in life. But could I find the tension of working hard when it was time to work and filling my body, soul, and spirit with all God’s good things so that I don’t become a neurotic stress basket and am actually ready to step out when He says, “Let’s go”? It’s a huge learning curve on a never ending dirt road that I am still stumbling on. But I’m stumbling forward, and if that’s enough for God, it’s enough for me. I’m learning to think of it that way. Slowly.
So, here I am today. Honestly, having a spike in my symptoms and wondering if it’s from fighting a September cold, stress, or a reaction to some changing treatments. Now is when I have to decide again, and keep reminding myself of these things: The studying I’ve done, it’s enough. This post, it’s enough. Pushing through a bit so I can relieve my mind of some stress, that’s okay. Realizing as I sit here that my body needs some fuel. Knowing that after I eat, I should sit with my family. I’ll try again to celebrate the success of today, such as it is. And not plow through towards some imaginary point of Good Enough When I’ve Done Everything On My List. I was never that person, anyway. I just felt bad about it. Enough.
A phrase that I’ve said over and over these past years is, “God’s got me and I’ve got this.” It’s not prideful. It just is. It’s not that I’ve got everything down and done and checked off, it’s that what I’m capable of doing is enough. Even further, my capabilities don’t actually change my worth or my identity. Those were built into me from the first moment I existed. I’m created. I’m loved.
I feel like I've said I would talk about Reflexology, one of the many places this new track has brought me. But this is enough for today.
If God calls His creation “Very Good,” then we must be.
More to come.
Love you.
