The Realist Therapist

The Realist Therapist A practical look at how to improve everyday relationships from a scientific perspective, but in normal human language.

04/21/2026

If you don’t have a strong emotional vocabulary, I often recommend googling “Feeling Wheel” for clients to help find more exact words for their experiences.

By specifying these feelings, we better understand ourselves and also create clarity for how we’d like our partner to show up.

Otherwise, we’re going off expressions and vibes that can be really easily misunderstood.

04/21/2026

If you can’t look at your partners pain, you can’t make amends for the damage done.

Reconciling and repairing conflict is being able to look at the damage done to connect in it to make up for the disconnection that started the pain.

But being unwilling or unable to look at the pain undermines that ability to reconnect. It’s turning away from our partner when they’re in distress. This can further erode trust because they don’t know if you’ll be there in hard times.

We have to be willing to look at the pain we’ve caused, no matter how upsetting it is. Not because we deserve to be shamed—but because your partner deserves to be seen.

04/21/2026

Sorry isn’t enough—although we’ve all been taught that it was.

Sorry is the beginning of the process of addressing wrongdoing and re-establishing connection. It’s the ownership of how we’ve impacted someone else.

But ownership doesn’t repair. It doesn’t fix what’s broken. We have to do the follow up work of identifying what those things are and committing to providing that new experience in the future so our partner knows that they’re safe with and can rely on us.

Sorry as an appeasement is just a form of control.

04/21/2026

It’s not about what happened—it’s about what it means. More importantly, it’s about what it communicates to us from the person we love most.

It’s the fear that they don’t care, the experience that they don’t consider us or seek our best interest. It’s the threat to our connection.

So then conversation needs to facilitate that reconnection. So talk less about the logistics and talk more about your feelings.

04/20/2026

Criticism very often is a cry for help. Behind the anger and frustration is a vulnerability that’s incredibly sensitive.

It’s a cry for help masquerading as anger. But the mask is to effective and hides what we really want someone to see, acknowledge, and love well.

We have to be willing to embrace that vulnerability and name it to ourselves and our partners if we expect them to treat it well.
Otherwise, can’t embrace what they can’t see.

Disclaimer: pain never justifies abuse or violence in any capacity. Someone’s well being should never come at the cost of another’s.

04/19/2026

Fighting to be right can come at the cost of fighting to stay in love.

We feel threatened, so we defend, attack, and argue to try and protect ourselves. But this quickly backfires by undermining the whole point of the conversation—to maintain the connection with the person most important to us.

How we approach conflict can be just as important as the conflict itself. Make sure your coming to the conversation with th right intentions.

04/19/2026

Feeling truly known by your therapist isn’t just nice — it’s what makes the hard work possible.

But therapists carry a lot of knowledge. And sometimes that knowledge starts speaking louder than the client in front of them.

When that happens, clients feel it. They can’t always name it — but they pull back, disengage, or just don’t come back.

If something feels off with how your therapist is framing your experience, say so. That correction is part of the work.

04/18/2026

There’s a balance in approach both emotions and logic when it comes to therapy.

It’s an art to balance it as therapists, but it’s also so dependent on clients’ preferences.

When this balance feels off, it’s helpful to let your therapist know what you’re needing and expecting to help them give you the best care possible.

04/16/2026

Therapists are human, so we have biases—but these biases can fully derail the quality of therapy if left unchecked.

It’s a big responsibility for us professionals to make sure we’re not only aware, but checking those biases to lead inadvertently lead clients to what we expect.

There’s so much nuance and detail that could disprove our idea of how a problem is showing up for clients. As my friend Nick van der sloot pointed out, some of the best therapists can ask the question without the presumption.

04/15/2026

We really never know what’s going to walk through the door with a client as therapists.

Even if we’ve worked together for awhile, there’s always curveballs that get thrown that derail even the most diligently prepared.

Personally, I find this a thrill of the game. It’s enjoyable to have so many chances to experience the unexpected each day.

04/14/2026

This clip makes me especially proud of the psychologists and friends I surround myself with—especially Nick van der sloot

Confidence isn’t found in expertise, book knowledge, theory, or any sort of approach.

It’s about recognizing that the therapy space we serve in should be focused on the client. Insecurity draws attention to ourselves and robs our clients of the care they deserve.

We can find confidence by simply getting out of our own way and putting our attention where it’s needed and deserved.

04/14/2026

At most, you likely see your therapist for one hour out of the 168 that are in a single week.

While we are responsible to be aware of as many nuances as possible, there’s no way for therapists to know everything to be 100% correct every time.

On top of that, the science of psychology is continually evolving and changing as we learn more about the body, brain, and human experience.

So while we’re educated and use our knowledge to help, there’s never a perfect therapist who can get it right all the time. As professionals, we must carry that humility into our work or risk making errors from presumptions.

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