The Realist Therapist

The Realist Therapist A practical look at how to improve everyday relationships from a scientific perspective, but in normal human language.

02/23/2026

Mistaking ease for success is one of the biggest pitfalls in relationships.

So much of what makes us fulfilled is meaning and purpose. That usually comes as a result of hardship and perseverance.

Of course this doesn’t mean that relationships should be difficult at all time and a grind to love your partner. But they also shouldn’t be expected to always be sunshine and rainbows without difficulties.

Hardship creating fulfillment is a feature, not a bug.

02/22/2026

I care a lot about my fellow men. As a male therapist, I feel compelled to speak on this topic as there’s so few men in the therapist role.

But that also means being honest with other men about how we harm ourselves. How masculinity gives both pride and pain.

We’re seeing high rates of men struggling and I think it’s because men don’t have clarity on what it means to be a man.

At the same time, manhood is socially determined. You “man card” can be in question at any second. This pressure sets us up to fail.

Men, we have to grow. We have to adapt. Or the ongoing risk and hardships will continue.

02/20/2026

Self criticism has given me a lot—but it also installed certain insecurities.

I’m all for taking an incredibly humbling look in the mirror to see where I can create change for the better. But when we attribute that lack as a defining characteristic, it becomes an insecurity we carry with us.

It removes the joy of accomplishment and success isn’t able to be enjoyed. Instead, we find ourselves temporary relief from the angst of the insecurity.

By using feedback that’s behaviour based instead of identity based, you can have the same growth without the weight and pressure criticism creates.

02/19/2026

Lately I’ve been wrestling with my own self confidence.

I’m wanting more and more to be loved for who I am, not who I try to be for others.

Cringe is the price we have to pay for true acceptance. You can’t have genuine acceptance without the risk of rejection. If there’s no choice, there’s no love.

I want to be loved, which means I want to be chosen—which means I have to risk being neither.

I’ll take that risk.

02/18/2026

One of the biggest pitfalls of feeling emotions is responding to them compulsively. But in that obligation, we lose choice, agency, and our sense of self.

We unknowingly give ourselves away piece by piece until we struggle to recognize and know where we end and others begin.

Learning how to give from a place of strength and groundedness allows us to give to others without losing ourselves.

02/12/2026

Marriages have never been harder—or more fulfilling. At least that’s what current psychology research shows.

Yes, it’s incredibly hard to find and maintain love in a relationship, but it’s never been more fulfilling. The same pressures and challenges that make love so difficult to find is also what makes it so fulfilling when we can maintain it.

There’s so much discouragement in romance right now, but it’s worth the reminder that love very much exists and there’s a lot of happy couples to demonstrate that the dream of love is alive and well.

02/12/2026

This isn’t a cure all by any means—but I do think this can drastically change how we process pain.

It’s so easy to get caught up in our feelings when someone wrongs us. Shifting blame, being angry at them or deeply questioning ourselves.

But taking a moment to step back and empathize can actually create a doorway out of pain. When they hurt us for no reason, while we might be blindsided, we can also see it’s not personal.

It’s not about us. Their actions have no reflection or indication of who we are. We’re just the unfortunate recipient of their own pain.

02/11/2026

All the theatrics of the sidewalk rule, bringing flowers, and nice dinners feel good—but they don’t sustain.

It means very little to the actual viability to a relationship because they lack depth. There’s still a need to build trust, express commitment, and genuinely learn and accommodate a partner to your life.

Nice gestures may signal consideration, but that that’s about it. Building meaningful relationships require so much more than love bombing performances.

But I guess crumbs feel like a feast when we’re starving. 👀

02/11/2026

We all learn how to keep relationships by compromising who we are. It’s a vast spectrum with some changes warranted and needed to protect relationships we deeply care about.

We also have other experiences where we learn it’s not worth it. As painful as it is, it’s almost a rite of passage—a necessary experience to best understand who we are and what our boundaries are.

We only find the extent of ourself when we go too far. I personally think as hurtful as it can be, it’s a priceless learning experience to have to better navigate future relationships.

02/11/2026

Love starts with a spar, good chemistry, shared similarities—but it’s so much more.

Real sustainable love is built on commitment and trust. Those needs never go away, and they also cost us a lot. They cost us options, freedom, and choices we once had.

It’s almost the exact opposite of what we expect when we date given all the apps and filters we can use to curate the ideal perfect partner. We’re all encouraged to be consumeristic in every day life—and that’s what can make selfless behaviours more than we’re prepared to give.

01/31/2026

Men, myself included, aren’t taught to show up emotion. We function for utility for so long we forget how to simply exist and share experiences with others for no other reason than enjoyment.

While I empathize with the challenge, it’s still an obstacle for many couples.

Learning to be mindful, present, and vulnerable is just as much of a skill as any other accomplishment. And having a successful and fulfilling relationship tends to requires these skills to be learned.

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