02/12/2025
Breaking the silenceā¦
February 2025 already!!! How did we get here??? As the gray hairs find their way through and the wisdom seeps in I do find myself āfeelingā that saying in my bones about the ādays are long but the years are shortā. And with every year that passesā¦ that seems to become more & more of a reality.
After so many months (actuallyā¦ a full year) of silence from me- of no posts, of no more ābaby boardsā or ābaby beadsā or birth stories or sleepless nights, Marianne posted at the beginning of the new year to announce the arrival of the December babies she helped to welcome into this world!!! She also mentioned that I (Chantal) had stepped away from the practice. Sadly, this is true and I have finally found the appropriate words to break the silence. I am ready to share what has been happening in my world with the world (aka with the online world anyway).
As I look back on 2024, I cannot begin to truly describe just how challenging these past twelve months have been.
It began with grieving and mourning what wasā¦ finding the courage to let go of what I āthought it was supposed to beā and taking a leap of faith to trust in what I cannot see.
As we move forward in this new year, I recognize how important it is to look back on 2024 and count my many blessings among the hardships.
In December of 2023, I had begun to make peace with the reality that my physical and psychological health would likely not be able to sustain Midwifery as I knew it for much longer. I was feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and as though I was crumbling under the pressure of a system that could not support what I had set out to do when I first became a midwife. I knew in my heart that I was going to have to find a way to step back, to change directions, to get āunstuckā.
So, during winter solstice, under the light of the full moon and by the flames of a fire, I announced to my family what I felt I needed to release. I needed to release my dream of being a midwife as I knew it and open up my mind, my arms and my heart to other possibilities, other gifts that I could share without sacrificing my health on so many levels.
As I said these words out loud, the floodgates to many MANY tears for many MANY months began to flow. Letting go of my role as a midwife meant letting go of a very big dream, a huge part of my identity and in turn, even my lifestyle as I had known it for the past 16 years.
Funny enough, we recently brought the kids to see the movie āMoana IIā and these words of animated wisdom struck a chord and spoke right to my heart:
āThereās always another wayā¦ even if you have to get lost to find itā
Wellā¦ āfeeling lostā could be one way to describe the plethora of emotions I have felt over this past year. Feeling āat a lossā could also be another way to put itā¦ or maybe, Shatteredā, āfragmentedā, āhurtā, āguiltyā, āresentfulā, āangryā, āfeeling betrayedā, or even ābrokenā could all be used to fill in the blanks.
As I get older and life continues to unfold, I must admit I am finding it harder to hear the words: āeverything happens for a reasonā. Because letās be honestā¦what is the reason for my cousinās 7 year old daughter to be suffering with a serious cancer while her mother was pregnant and they needed to uproot their entire family for months on end in order to have access to the medical care she needs!?
What is the reason for so many countries to still be afflicted by war and its heart wrenching side effects in 2025!?
Whatās the reason for another cousin in his late thirties to have passed away from a terminal illness while leaving his wife and two children behind!? Or my lifelong friendsā baby sister passing away at age 42, leaving children the same ages as mine without a mother!? I could go on forever but my heart canāt handle it. What is the reason for all this suffering in our lives and all around us?
When it is happening directly to you, I cannot find the clarity to say: āeverything happens for a reasonā ā¦ because sometimes that mirage of a reason feels so out of reach and it doesnāt feel fair to minimize what is happening by grasping at possible reasons to make sense of the chaos.
I have resorted to simply saying: āeverything happensā because that is the truthā¦ everything and anything can happen. Good things, bad things, neutral thingsā¦
Now is there glimmers of hope and moments of beauty within our suffering? Yesā¦ thank goodness for that. Can our suffering help to bring us closer to God and Universal love!? Yes, I truly believe that. But when someone is in the eye of the storm, in the midst of their suffering, I have stopped saying āeverything happens for a reasonā because personally I donāt find it helpful at allā¦even if deep down in my bones I feel that life is happening FOR me, not TO me. But realistically- I am the ONLY person who can come to that conclusion and only in MY time.
All of this to say, that although 2024 felt heavy for so many of us, and it more than likely felt like challenge after challenge was happening TO YOUā¦ somewhere in my heart, I am choosing to believe that amongst the turmoil, there are some seeds blooming in the darkness of the soil and I am looking at my many blessings through it all.
2024 marked the year I had to say goodbye to my career as I knew it and to my practice,(not on my own terms - which made it even harder and more raw.) It was the year I had to pack up my entire home & move my family to a hotel for 5 weeks because my house flooded. It was the year I had to close the doors to my clinic and birthing suite where many beautiful souls came Earthside, it is the year I had to dig deep and do the hard work to overcome PTSD. Andā¦last, but not least- it was the year I had to say goodbye to the āstatus quoā of my health after having been in remission for 10 years. It is the year I had to hear and accept the words: āYou have stage 4 cancer.ā These all felt like big and difficult changes. (I will share in more detail in posts to followā¦ ) But when I take a moment to list all of these things I canāt help but think - goodbye and good ridden to 2024!!! As you can tellā¦ it is mid February of 2025 and I am still processing 2024!!!
However, it wasnāt ALL bad, it NEVER is! And my goal with ābreaking the silenceā was not to be a āDebbie Downerā but rather I want this message to be about recognition for the immense heartfelt love and support I have been feeling and have received over this past year. I also want to recognize the intense growth and stretching that has allowed me to truly remember WHO I AM!
So soooooo many thank yous!!!! Thank you to my husband for his solidity and strength through weathering the storms. Merci to my sweet children for finding the positives and adapting to so many changes with relative ease. To my parents for their unconditional love and support on so many levels. My sisters for always being there, to weather the storm-no matter what. Marianne for walking along side me and navigating every change with ease and grace despite her own life being directly impacted in so many ways. My large and beloved family in Quebec for supporting us from afar and holding us in their hearts. My many cousins and friends who are like sisters and brothers, showing up with meals, garden veggies, cleaning, organizing, decorating for the holidays, random texts to check in, to remind me that I am being held in peoples thoughts and prayers- knowing that you are there means the world to me, to US. My aunts and uncles and great aunts & uncles who are supporting us with their prayers, how blessed am I to even know them!? My past clients (massage & Midwifery clients) who have become like family. My colleagues, thank you for stepping up where you could while already being overstretched to support Marianne, and in turn, support me. My care team: this is a very WIDE term to include of course my family physician & friend, my many doctors, nurses, surgeons & specialists, along with my amazing psychotherapist, my gifted bodycare therapist and my many āhealerā and spiritual growth friends who are supporting me on this journey - you know who you are and the magic in what you do! I am grateful for my deep faith in knowing that this life is so much bigger than us and my ability to hand things over to my spirit team, meaning: God, my guardian angels & my spirit guides. And I am eternally grateful for my COMMUNITY at largeā¦ THIS COMMUNITY, the people of Plamondon and Lac La Biche and beyond!!!! What a gemā¦ people say that Etienne and I have given a lot to our community ā¦ but yet I feel like we are somehow receiving so much more than we have ever given.
Just know that in my corner of silence I am spilling over with gratitudeā¦ more than words could ever describe. In fact, the word āGratitudeā doesnāt feel like it is big enough to encompass what I am trying to transmit hereā¦but just know that from the bottom of our heartsā¦ we thank you ALL. From near or far, big or smallā¦ every gesture, every text, every prayer is felt deeply and has a ripple effectā¦ trust me, it all counts š
And through the darkness, there are many rays of light.
Feeling HELD is the most beautiful gift of allā¦
