12/28/2025
"Bee, your page is for adults and teens, why do you share content about young kids?"
Because that's exactly where we all start, whether we look back in our experiences of our youth to realize there were clues, or whether realizing our kids' neurodivergences helps us to pinpoint ours.
It allows us to validate our perspective and the perspective of people around us, to really gain clarity on our internal experiences but others' potential inner workings and mindsets too.
It allows us to develop a full picture of who we have been all along, and often the lack of systemic, communal, and individual acceptance we've experienced our entire lives, and to understand how we can build towards developing this for ourselves as adults the way we always deserved.
How Did The Doctors NOT See Her Autism?... And what does it have to do with Misogyny in Medicine?
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Infancy...
Your baby has seemed high needs since day 1.
Baby's sleep pattern is off.
She doesn't sleep at night. Nope.
She will do anything but SLEEP.
And she wants to be held in a specific position all the time. So you can't just BE with her.
You have to be alert and providing CONSISTENT sensory feedback. It's exhausting.
You've probably tried every baby carrier there is....and every swing, too. (Even though babies aren't supposed to sleep in swings)
You can't just lay down with her. Baby does NOT want to lay down.
Instead of sleeping in her calm, dark room, Baby wants to sleep whenever it is loud/bright--
like at the Supermarket
or during the library puppet show.
It's like she gets overstimulated into sleep when you are OUTSIDE the house. And THAT will make her sleep.
But naps dont happen at home. At home, she's the Energizer Bunny
....The Pediatrician convinces you that it is your fault. You are not TRAINING them to have good sleep hygiene. Every parent goes through this, the say.
But do they?
Because honestly, you've tried everything and even the neighborhood mom of 5, thinks your baby is high strung.
Maybe its reflux, maybe it's a sensory issue, maybe kiddo has a sleep disorder.
Doc says "that would be highly unlikely." They don't refer you to anyone.
Kiddo is 4... 6....10 months old...a year.... and still not sleeping through the night.
How are you going to survive this?
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Toddlerhood
You've learned to function on an almost criminal level of sleep deprivation over the last 2 years.
But now you are noticing some more "odd" things about your toddler.
She is very particular about the texture of her clothes and texture of her foods.
You didn't even KNOW that fabric preferences started this early, but somehow she only likes the blankets that are made from organic bamboo.
And yogurt? Don't even THINK about a mixed texture one with chunks of fruit in it.
Nope.
Puree food or chunky food, but NOT mixed together. And DON'T get her hands sticky!
She really doesn't like stickiness, and while she fusses she will flap her arms furiously, as though she can shake the sticky, off.
The doctor doesn't ever mention that this is a self-soothing stim.
So you aren't looking out for other, possible stims.
(And it's years before it occurs to you that Kiddo had several more...
Like making rapid grunting noises when anyone turned on the vacuum cleaner,
smacking her lips over and over
while riding in the carseat,
and rocking herself back and forth as she waited for her food to be warmed.)
Kiddo's style of play is a little different. She likes to WATCH.
Specifically, Kiddo likes to sits off to the side, chewing on her cloth bib or onesie neckline, as she watches other kids play.
It's not that she's shy, exactly. She just spends a lot of time staring at peers.
Kiddo may also enjoy lining things up or sorting items by color. Not all the time. But she IS very focused on the Alphabet magnets on thr fridge.
Don't move them out of place! She likes them arranged a certain way.
Sometimes Kiddo repeats the same action over and over, like banging a spoon on the table for 5 straight minutes while humming.
You tried joining her drumming, but she DIDN'T like that.
She covered her ears when YOU did it. Maybe she is just....picky?
The doctor says as long as she is TOLERATING a variety of things, it is nothing to worry about.
Kids supposedly adjust to lots of things.
Doc says let her cry sometimes...let her sort things out for herself and she will eventually become RESILIENT.
But...does Doc realize it can take an HOUR to calm Kiddo down, if she's upset?
Most toddlers are easily distracted. Yours, not so much. Intense moods last a LONG time. Sometimes they last an AFTERNOON.
You tell Doctor that and he smirks. "Someone's a little spoiled, eh?" He says, as he exits the exam room.
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The Preschool Years
Your preschooler either talks non stop or not at all.
Often she talks non stop at home, and is "selectively mute" at school.
The teachers are worried. You're not--about speaking ability, anyway.
If only the teachers could SEE how expanded her vocabulary is becoming.
As long as its about one of her special interests, she will talk for hours.
Things like cats, shipwrecks, farm equipment, Dinosaurs, trains, rocks, numbers, pirates, skeletons fascinate her.
She has curated very specific passions. And if some of them aren't age appropriate, so what? At least she is learning.
Your family doctor says she is probably a bit shy in group settings and it will pass.
He asks your child a couple of questions and she gives one word answers. He checks a list that says the is verbally "on track."
Doc says to minimize her sugar intake, and keep meal and sleep times regular.
Ummm...has doc already forgotten that she is a picky eater who doesn't sleep much?
Sometimes the only sustained rest she gets is on the car ride home from preschool--
So you just drive the neighborhood in circles, while she snores in her carseat.
She's 4. She'll sleep through the night soon...right?
You work up the courage to ask and Doc absent-mindedly mentions "regressions." But she has NEVER slept, so what is she regressing to?
As soon as Doctor leaved the room, your daughter asks 3 oddly specific questions about the cardiovascular system.
Why couldn't she have asked them when the Doctor was around?? !
Most 4 year olds don't want to understand the word 'pulmonary' do they?
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The Elementary Years
Your child is struggling in school.
She's smart enough, but she doesn't seem to have close friends.
And she is often confused by instructions.
Last week the teacher said to "raise your hand when you finish,"
but your child was ALREADY finished when the instruction was spoken, so she just sat there.
Eventually, every other child had raised their hand...
but YOUR child just sat, pencil down, looking almost defiant as she watched the clock.
It wasn't until the teacher asked her specifically, "Eloise, did you finish your quiz?"
that your daughter said, "Yes. But you didn't say to raise hands IF we had finished; you said WHEN we had finished.
I had finished 3 minutes BEFORE you said it, and you didn't say to raise your hands IF we had ALREADY finished."
The teacher thinks your child is a smart Alec. You don't.
You see how Eloise comes home exhausted and frustrated, most days.
Also, teacher says Eloise WON'T keep her shoes on and often refuses to wear a coat for recess.
How are you supposed to "fix" that when you aren't even there?!
You mention all this at the Pediatrician's office. But the Nurse Practitioner just says it takes a couple of years to adjust to full time school.
If Kiddo's motor skills are on track and everyone can understand her speech, it will work out..Maybe Boy/Girl Scouts will help, she suggests.
You are willing to try.... *sigh*
You had hoped seeing a woman would make a difference, but it doesn't help.
She is using the male doctor's notes and probably underwent training in the same system that teaches providers to "beware of whiney women."
Does she even have kids?
Should you have mentioned that the teacher suggested a Speech Therapy assessment because Eloise is so literal?
Why doesn't anyone listen to you?
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And on it goes.
Doctors often train themselves to notice ONLY PHYSICAL and BEHAVIORAL issues.
Doctors forget that human beings aren't robots.
Our internal functions aren't merely anatomical.
Our functions are also SUBJECTIVE and should be evaluated in terms of FREQUENCY and INTENSITY.
For instance, Doctors should be asking about
*Intense SENSORY sensetivity
*Frequent ANXIETY attacks
*Weekly INSOMNIA
*Intense bursts of CREATIVITY
*Daily INTRUSIVE thoughts
*Frequent periods of HYPERFOCUS
*Daily struggles to IDENTIFY and ARTICULATE EMOTIONS (Alexithymia)
*Frequent problems PROCESSING INTEROCEPTIVE experience like tiredness and thirst
*Frequent DISSOCIATION
*Overwhelming LACK of GUILE
*Annual (or more frequent) BURNOUT
*Intense lack of PRAGMATIC LANGUAGE literacy (body language, tone, facial expressions, etc.)
*Frequent MENTAL DISORGANIZATION
*Intense SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS
*Being OBSESSIVELY focused on PATTERNS and/or symmetry
*and having an Intense DESIRE for more extreme PROPRIOCEPTIVE input
All of which are things which usually DIFFERENTIATE ND minds from Typical minds (at least through their intensity and frequency).
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And of course Doctors should also be trying to eliminate the
"Misogyny in Medicine Problem"
Because, as for charting those BEHAVIORAL differences and ASYNCHRONOUS MILESTONES...
What good does it actually do, when Mom takes notes?!
...if Doctors of ALL kinds are systemically dismissive of women??
...and if most primary, child caretakers ARE female (or at least NOT male)??
If female observations of a child's differences are written off as "hysterics" and exaggerations--
as projections of her "immature, or inferior subconscious." (Blech. Freudian hogwash)--
then how is a Mother, supoosed to get her child's doctor to PAY ATTENTION??!!
Answer: SHE OFTEN CAN'T.
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And so, Autistic Kids--
with LOVING and OBSERVANT parents...
who GO TO THE DOCTOR....
whose caregivers ASK QUESTIONS--
They STILL go undiagnosed
and unsupported!!!
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In fact, those kids get traumatized over and over,
and gradually they learn to mask as much of their true self,
as possible.
Which of course, makes it HARDER for them to get an accurate diagnosis, later in life, too!!!
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Because after years of masking, they don't show ENOUGH "PROBLEM BEHAVIORS" for a doctor to bother analyzing!
Of course not!
They hide their burnout behind video games, impulse shopping, and moderate substance use.
They have learned to stim visually or to engage in something considered socially appropriate, like hair twirling or crocheting.
After decades of corrections and punishments, they have hundreds of life hacks developed to conceal their executive dysfunction.
And they use their echolalia sparingly, to make it seem like they are engaged listeners.
Plus, if they work outside the home, they overperform--
going above and beyond, to hide their inability to work well in mixed-Neurotype groups.
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Doctors too often say, "A diagnosis won't make a difference, if they're doing okay,"
But they're WRONG.
Okay isn't the same as GOOD.
Okay isn't the same as HAPPY.
Okay isn't the same as psychologically HEALTHY.
Okay isn't the same as SAFE and CONNECTED and THRIVING.
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Sometimes, your child is going to need help...
And (in many cases)
AUTISTIC PEOPLE NEED DIFFERENT KINDS OF SUPPORTS than Allistic and NeuroTypical folks.
Supports to keep them HEALTHY and SAFE, CONNECTED and WELL.
So be proactive.
Seek out a diagnosis
(or if they are an older teen, at least help them to begin the process of self-diagnosis),
and start looking for online spaces where Autistic folks are WELCOMED--
Neuro-affirming spaces where they can unmask.
Help them find those lifelines BEFORE critical burnout hits
and the ship starts sinking.
It might, quite literally, save their life.
