02/23/2026
It's Masking Monday, and today's subject is ADHD masking specifically:
I'm AuDHD with central APD and situational mutism.
I frequently talk about autism on this page;
it has been my psychological deep dive for the last 2 years, and because
autism
APD,
SM,
and AAC
are so closely linked, I've really focused on unmasking and accommodating myself in these areas.
Even though my ADHD realization came first, I didn't really understand what
ADHD masking was or even that it existed.
I didn't understand what it looked like, let alone what it felt like.
After all, I was just behaving as me, right?
I didn't realize that what I was actually masking were my ADHD needs:
- vestibular engagement
- proprioceptive engagement
- either dead silent or extremely loud environments, depending on focus required
- sensory stimulation for dopamine and somatic regulation
- freedom of access without stigma
And many others I'm still in the process of exploring.
________________
The reality is that just living our existence,
spending 5 minutes in another's presence,
already requires us to hide our needs.
ADHD demands that we
get up and move,
throw our bodies around and make hard impact,
babble to ourselves,
stimulate our vagus nerve constantly,
spontaneous task switching at OUR whimsy,
throw ourselves into things enthusiastically...
Just by sitting in a room with another person, I'm painfully aware that my
leg bouncing
potentially might be addressed by the other person who will ask me to stop it.
I can't just stand up and run to the other side of the room, tap on the wall in a fun rhythm, and then run back to my spot.
I can't just put on a song and scream the lyrics with it.
Not when I'm sharing space with another person when repeat experience has told me that not the
first time, but the
fifth,
sixth or
hundredth time...
It will be - I will be - too much for them.
________________
The closest I've come to that so far is with my neuroaffirming autistic partner, and even then,
my autistic needs,
which are very different than my ADHD needs,
are easily accommodated by them while my ADHD needs frequently throw them off.
This is a testament,
Not to the idea that my ADHD is too much for them,
but that I have clearly masked these ADHD needs just as hard as I used to mask my autistic ones. and that I will have to consistently stop minimizing them so my partner can acclimate and accept me fully.
________________
People don't have to tell us "you need to be perfect" in order for us to understand that there is a social pressure to "be perfect,"
and they don't understand:
it's not a behavioral choice, it's the equivalent of telling us to not be "who we are".
Every moment in nearly
every environment
!!SCREAMS!! at us,
"this is not a safe space for you to relax your control over your behavior."
________________
When I see parents of neurodivergent kids concerned that their child isn't spending time in the way they anticipate with other kids,
frequently opting to be by themselves...
I let them know that one the biggest parts of my healing process with societal-neurodivergent trauma
IS
spending time alone,
recharging with myself,
allowing myself to be as zany as I need to be for my ADHD
and as sensory-removed as my autism needs to be,
plus they both seek
sensory engagement
AND
hyperfocus...
It's so exhausting trying to explain to other people my needs,
let alone trying to defend why I need what I need in the way that I need it...
Can I compromise on these needs?
Well I can pretend to, yes.
But in doing so I end up not actually getting the need met, which means that after going through
all that effort
it almost would have been better to not try at all because the compromise is
a pale imitation of what I need.
________________
Once I have given myself plenty of me-time, to be as I naturally am without limits,
THEN I might potentially engage with other neuroaffirming people...
And these are the people who are the least likely to tell me to
change my behavior
and/or who see it as par-for-the-course.
With these people I do a second type of healing where I allow myself to naturally exist as I need
and of course as they need, working to build environments we can coexist in together that help us.
________________
Here is a neuroaffirming example of what that might look like that is not specific to ADHD -
I'm too early in the unmasking process to give a proper example of that just yet, but never you fear, it will be written about when it happens!
________________
The other night, my partner and one of our close friends and I were playing boardgames when I realized that as much as I still wanted to see this friend, I was still far too overstimulated from the day.
I asked if we could switch to texting, and they both immediately agreed, even though the one prefers speaking and the other prefers texting.
It was greatly appreciated to have a moment like that where we were all engaged together in the same room but not having a verbal demand to verbally engage.
We talked about how in the future this could look like
me wearing my headset to reduce outside sound,
all three of us texting,
and my friend who prefers speaking using voice chat to communicate.
________________
Help for ADHDers and autistics really is about finding neuroaffirming spaces and people,
and that starts by making sure your mindsets are drawing you to those types of people.
I highly recommend parents follow Neurodivergent Parenting: Think Outside The Box and The Occuplaytional Therapist to get started on that process.
For people who are autistic and/or ADHD, I also recommend:
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network
Actually Owltistic
The Autistic Teacher
Autism Goggles
Applesauceandadhd
NeuroWild
Neurodivergent Rebel
________________
If you've been patiently hanging onto today's writing prompt, I'm looking for ADHDers and AuDHDers specifically to represent ADHD here:
What are the ADHD needs you've been masking?
Which ones feel like they could belong to both autism and ADHD?
When is a time you felt your ADHD was accommodated fully?