Stephanie Underwood RSW

11/11/2025

Insecure Attachment Styles are coping mechanisms to protect ourselves from people. When we have an insecure attachment style we basically learnt that we can’t trust people, and that we have to be hypervigilant to make sure that we don’t get hurt by others. The coping is different - but the underlying root causes are the same.

11/07/2025

This is something that I often read on social media, and I wanted to debunk this the best way that I can.

The biggest difference between someone with an anxious attachment and someone with an avoidant attachment is the ability to self-regulate.

In a relationship with a partner who withdraws- a secure person might feel discomfort, but they don’t spiral. Can they experience anxiety? Of course they can. But the difference is that the securely attached partner can self-regulate, communicate, and if they feel repeatedly mistreated, they leave. The securely attached person will never self-abandon for a relationship.

Inconsistent behavior doesn’t create insecurity; it activates what’s already there. Let’s stop pathologizing avoidants and start understanding our own activations.

11/06/2025

Attachment isn’t about how you love. It’s about how you protect yourself when love feels risky.

Anxious or avoidant, both are coping mechanisms rooted in fear of disconnection. One chases. One pulls away. Same wound. Different strategy.

The goal isn’t to become “perfectly secure.”
It’s to recognize the pattern and choose connection over protection, one moment at a time.

It’s to teach our body, and our mind, that connection doesn’t have to be so scary.

11/06/2025

Attachment is formed early, built into our nervous system, and shows up as our default way of staying safe with others. But context matters. Different people and different levels of safety can activate different parts of us.

Healing doesn’t erase your past. It updates how you show up, and that’s real growth.

If you want evidence-based attachment education without the trendy TikTok twists, you’re in the right place.

11/05/2025

These two insecure attachment styles are each other’s biggest trigger. They bring to the surface our deepest fears: being abandoned, being rejected, and not being enough. They activate our oldest wounds, which is why anxious-avoidant relationships can feel like an emotional minefield.

When both partners are unhealed, one fearing closeness will push the other away, the other fearing distance means they’re being left - maintaining a healthy relationship becomes extremely difficult. Lasting love requires awareness. It requires two people who are willing to understand their own patterns, take accountability, repair ruptures, and communicate even when it’s uncomfortable. That’s what transforms the cycle.

11/05/2025

In this new article, I break down what the research actually says about how adult attachment styles have shifted over the last few decades, why avoidant and fearful-avoidant patterns seem to be rising, and how things like ghosting, hyper-individualism, and tech are reshaping the way we trust, bond, and show up in relationships.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it just me, or is everyone terrified of intimacy now?” this one’s for you.

Read it here:
https://www.healingnarrativescounselling.com/post/why-insecure-attachment-styles-are-on-the-rise-what-the-research-tells-us

Insecure Attachment Styles have been on the rise. Explore the research behind this trend and the cultural shifts driving it.

11/05/2025

Avoidance is a survival mechanism - not a choice. It only becomes a choice when we begin to actively work on ourselves.

11/01/2025

Much of trauma therapy today focuses on the body, on safety, grounding, and regulating the nervous system. And there’s no doubt that learning to feel safe in our bodies is a vital step.

But safety alone doesn’t heal the story.

Polyvagal and somatic approaches teach the body that it’s safe, helping to quiet the survival responses that once kept us alive. Yet even when the body calms, the story remains. Humans don’t just feel danger - we give it meaning. We create beliefs like, “I’m unworthy,” “It was my fault,” or “People can’t be trusted.”

That’s where schemas come in, the deep emotional beliefs formed when safety was missing. Without addressing them, we might calm the body but never truly change the narrative.

Real healing requires both: the physiological safety of the body and the emotional safety to rewrite the story. When regulation meets meaning-making, the past stops feeling like the present, and the body and mind finally agree: “I am safe now.”

10/31/2025

Abandonment isn’t “just” heartbreak. It’s a survival alarm.

When someone suddenly pulls away, ghosts, or cuts off all contact without explanation, our nervous system reacts as if our safety is under threat. That intense emotional pain isn’t us being “dramatic” - it’s our deep evolutionary wiring saying, “Connection is safety. Don’t let go.”

In Schema Therapy, we talk about schemas, deeply rooted beliefs formed in childhood about ourselves, others, and the world. They’re like internal maps that shape how we interpret everything around us.

The Abandonment Schema develops when care is unpredictable, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable. It creates a fear that people we love will leave - and a belief that closeness is fragile. So when abandonment happens again in adulthood, the emotional reaction comes from every past moment that taught us love might disappear.

Understanding this isn’t about blaming ourselves. It’s about recognizing the roots so we can finally begin healing, not from survival fear, but from a place of inner safety.

10/28/2025

If you feel intense anxiety when someone doesn’t respond or if you constantly seek reassurance to feel okay, you might be engaging in external regulation - a common pattern in those with an anxious attachment style.

Instead of self-soothing, external regulation makes you dependent on others to feel emotionally stable, creating a cycle that can leave you feeling even more insecure.

Healing means learning to balance self-regulation with healthy co-regulation. Start by:

✨ Noticing when you’re seeking external validation.
✨ Practicing self-soothing techniques.
✨ Reminding yourself that discomfort is temporary.

10/27/2025

Attachment has evolved to keep us alive. Secure bonds gave safety and belonging. In unpredictable care, anxious and avoidant strategies were smart adaptations that helped a child either cling for connection or pull back for protection. As adults those same strategies can look messy. Anxious says, “If I do more, I will not be left.” Avoidant says, “If I stay self-reliant, I stay safe.” That is protection, not narcissism. Different engine, different motivation.

Good news: security is learnable. Name the trigger, name the need, ask for one specific thing, and practice tiny doses of safe closeness and consistent repair. Save this, share it with someone who needs the reframe, and tell me which line hit you most.