My Mom was 58 when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. They estimated she had it for at least five years.
When my Mom decided to do alternative medicines, it was the first time anything holistic was even spoken of in our homes. I took a leave of absence from work to become my Mom’s caregiver. It was quite risky as I was a single mother of three at age 32. But I wanted to see for myself what this alternative medicine could do to save my Mom. I drove her to all her appointments and cared for her during day, then went home to my kids after their school. I simultaneously did every therapy and test she did, revealing to me that my stressed out, tired body had lots to look after. So I began doing the remedies given.
I got thinking that, in my family, no one really went to the doctor other than the dentist, optometrist, etc. That was especially true for my Mom. She was the perfect role model for putting herself last. Looking back, she never prioritized herself but instead always swept things under the rug to keep the peace and not rock the boat. She internalized everything, taking on everyone’s stuff. I can remember her body deflating when she would see certain energy sucking people coming for visits; she would grin and bear it, literally.
Mom’s attempts to heal and save her cancerous body were too little, too late, as the cancer spread so rapidly. She was determined to lick this and she would push herself but the fear in her eyes and heart came through as she slowly and angrily couldn’t do the things she loved anymore.
At the end, the family took turns staying with her and tending to her sore body. I remember her angrily saying this was the worst way to go, “with no dignity left.” Those words tormented me tremendously, to know she suffered silently for so long with so much unsaid, undone and unhealed in her life. The last eight months of her life was a blur. But I made a promise to myself and my kids to not fall into those footsteps of not looking after myself, and to be present and healthy for my children and future grandchildren.
Mom gifted me with the introduction into alternative medicines and the learning to place myself as a priority. Unaware until much later after Mom’s passing, I realized my body was responding and resonating to the alternative remedies and treatments. I continued to seek out more help for my long list of ailments. My new journey and mission was to heal myself from candida, IBS, acid reflux, numerous skin issues, celiac and low blood pressure to name a few.
Along with the grief (and previous years in apprenticeship as the next perfect co-dependent, role modelled by my Mom), I turned to earth based medicines to help me deal with the overload of emotions and mental chaos I was experiencing, as my unhealed childhood traumas and abuses came flooding forward, wave after wave. The loss of my Mom and the effects it had on our family dynamics triggered the defrosting of my freezer burned, buried traumas. The remembrance of my physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse became so overwhelming that I turned to the only thing I knew would sooth my pain… equine healing. I returned back to my childhood memories of being with my Grandfather with the horses in nature together; it was my one and only safe space to be.
During one of my equine experiences I was introduced to a Shaman whom I respected. Her powerful presence was something I had never been exposed to in my life and I spent a couple seasons with her. Later on a friend introduced me to another Shaman and although I wasn’t ready to enter his class at that time, I joined his healing circles for the next two years. After that I began a two and a half years of self-healing shamanic training, at the same time as my training in Healing Touch for animals. At that time I had no intention of working with humans, only animals, but knew I had to heal myself in order to do so.
In late 2009 I was hit with the awareness of how engrained addiction was in my family, and in my own imprinting, when my son had a drug induced psychosis attack. Again, my world was thrown into what seemed “dis-repair.” Not having any idea what psychosis was, we began our learning around it and how to take care of my son as he recovered. This was the beginning of years of being witness to my son choosing to numb himself of his pain; whether it was street or prescription drugs, he wasn’t ready to heal. This experience helped reveal to me this numbing pattern within myself, my family and my close relationships.
My shamanic training is what healed me through this and helped me to recognize themes and behaviour patterns that are passed down through our ancestral lineage. I learned to respect other’s choices and the life paths they have come to live by respecting myself and speaking up for what is not tolerable for me (placing healthy boundaries for self). If someone is choosing to numb themselves with addiction, co-dependency or any form of distraction or suppression, it’s because they are not ready to face their fears, pains, wounds or traumas. And if forced to do so, it may cause more harm than good.
No relationship outside ourselves takes precedence over our inner relationship with self. I learned that no one is going to show up and save me. It’s hardest to heal oneself and we need to put ourselves first and ask for help, and understand we cannot force another to do their healing. We can only heal what is happening within us because of the mirroring of our outer relationships for us.
Another gift from my journey with my son was when he lived with us while he recovered. I could not leave him alone and had to wait for my husband to be home and after supper when my son went to bed, I would go out to the barn to do chores and be with my horses. As I did this every evening for a year, my horses would facilitate healing sessions on me. I was early in my schooling for Shamanism, Reiki and Healing Touch training but I knew what they were doing - scanning my body for blockages and running energy to remove congested and trapped emotions. They helped me heal and soon they where teaching me to help them heal as they where constantly working on me (and every healer needs healing to keep the energy system flowing and be in balance).
In the years that followed I experienced many more losses of family and key people in my life. With all the deaths and broken relationships I’ve experienced, I’ve learned to use my training in Shamanism and Healing Touch consistently. I especially love the life review and death right ceremonies to support souls in transitioning through life and at the end of life, as well as assist those souls whom have passed on. It’s the most beautiful and loving act one can offer to those we love.
It’s in these times of major changes and loss to death that my shamanic training got me through, as I healed so many ancestral lineage issues, themes, beliefs and behaviour patterns that I did not want to bring forward in my life with me. I ended so many unhealthy dynamics, cycles, dramas and abuse affinities by healing it in me first and then offering the ancestral lineage healing to others, as we can heal seven generations back and seven forward.
The beauty of offering ancestral lineage healing is just that - you offer and whomever in your lineage wants to receive, will receive. And it changes the consciousness of that theme, pattern or issue, whether your lineage is alive or passed on. The soul can heal and evolve as it learns to be present for self and others from a place of love, free from the baggage of fear, guilt, shame and un-forgiveness.
If we choose to close the door on a difficult relationship, we deny the teaching, lesson and gift from that relationship and we will end up doing the dance of life with that person again in another lifetime. We will pick up where we left off in another relationship until we heal the theme, pattern or cycle. We all will have varying degrees of experiences with abandonment, betrayal, rejection and self-worth issues. Through giving oneself permission to feel and heal our way through it, we learn to take responsibility for own journey into wholeness - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (P.E.M.S.). By gaining presence, acceptance, trust and healthy honoring of our self-worth, we will find our path, purpose and passion we came to live and enjoy.
After all I have experienced, the worst abuse I endured was that of spiritual abuse. I had my light snuffed out over and over so early in my childhood because so many of my adults were not able to be present. Then because I was perfectly imprinted, I learned to not speak up or stand up for myself. My P.E.M.S. bodies paid the price of being frozen in fear for so many years of my life, not expressing or communicating what my soul self could not tolerate. In doing so, I lost respect, admiration and affinity for the human race for a lot of years, as well as for myself. Thankfully through my healing and training I healed that perspective and belief.
Now my passion is to help people remember and realign with their true divine self by releasing the teachers of pain and embracing the teachings and gifts within it, and also by honoring and nurturing the soul self and placing self as priority.
I have created ways to do both soul healing and self-nurturing with energy medicines and massage. Shamanism, Healing Touch, Reiki and Sound/Vibrational Wellness are my certified trainings in energy work and foundation of my practice. Over the years I’ve added Hot/Cold Stone Massage, Raindrop (aromatherapy) Massage and Ayurvedic Kansa Wand Massage after noticing how so many do not self-nurture their bodies (P.E.M.S.). I knew there was a need for something different.
After recognizing the repetitive patterns of self-sabotage and self-neglect in clients, I knew I wanted to create something to meet their needs that was simultaneously healing/nurturing as well as subtle, gentle and time efficient for our busy lives. In my Shamanic Massage sessions I use the subtle and efficient shamanic energy with the earth medicines of my hot and cold stones, healing metal of Kansa Wands and essential oils to release the “mis-firings” in the nervous system, cellular memory and DNA. This promotes healing at the root and core of the soul self, while the client silently relaxes and realigns.
Set on a serene country farm near Edmonton, I work out of my equine barn, surrounded by nature and for those who like to get away, it feels like a healing retreat. When you arrive here the land, animals and nature help begin the releasing and rejuvenating experience immediately as you breathe in the elements.
I often combine a number of modalities I’ve been trained in: Spiritual (Soul) Energy Healer, Massage Practitioner, Sound and Vibrational Wellness Practitioner, Young Living Essential Oil Distributor, Equine Facilitated Healing (to access the souls presence on deeper levels using horses for humans), Equine Partnership Healing (to address issues and goals between humans and their horses), as well as an equine boarding facility, monthly moon/fire ceremony and co-creation circles, and workshops.
Going into fall/winter is a time to go within, keeping us in the rhythm of the seasons and cycles of nature. It is by going within that we connect to our presence, “the inner soul’s divine true essence.” Presence is everything… it’s important to take time to reclaim, restore and realign with the soul through nurturing, honouring and intimate quality time spent R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R-I-N-G the sacred soul-self that will empower us into balance.
My passion of educating and providing self-nurturing and healing modalities to my clients will always be driven from the core of my heart and soul’s promise I made to myself and the gift of teachings from my Mom and “our journeys home.” She went home to heaven and I came home within my heart and soul… to my REMEMBRANCE of the grounding, healing refuge I had tapped into as a child with my Grandfather, horses and nature.
Michele has made it her life’s mission and legacy to teach the importance of self-love and how it impacts the healing of ancestral lineages. You can contact her at 780-217-8146, infiniti-trails@html.com or www.infinititrails.ca for more information.
