Creative Connected Parenting

09/21/2021

Well, it's been a minute, hasn't it? My life, like yours, has been on the spin cycle lately. When I've been hanging by a thread and my family is depending on me to make sense of the madness, I try to come back to what I've learned from Dayna Abraham, so I want to give you the chance to try it out too. She's offering a Mastering Meltdowns workshop for the first time in a while, and you can sign up here: amelia.bowler@gmail.com" rel="ugc" target="_blank">https://calmthechaosworkshop.com/meltdown-mastery/?affiliateidmm=amelia.bowler@gmail.com
I've been a member since the very first wobbly version, and over the years it's been refined to meet every worry, question and challenge. The amount of expertise and dedication poured into this resource is staggering. I mean, I've read a LOT of books and research papers on kids and behaviour, but Dayna has captured the essence of connected parenting and made it actually workable. I really hope you dive in and soak it up!

Discover how to handle meltdowns, tantrums and outbursts without losing your cool.

07/30/2021

Dear Parent, if your child is having frequent emotional outbursts, it’s only human to feel angry, worried, offended, and overwhelmed. 😲😡😖

If your child is overreacting to stress and has difficulty controlling their emotions, then a warmer approach that builds trust will be more effective in teaching those missing emotional self-regulation skills than becoming stricter and more discipline-focused.

It is not easy. There are lots of factors to consider as you try to understand the root of the behaviour and your own reactions.

Stick around, I have more tips here. You can also read more in my book, 📕 The Parent’s Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Your Questions Answered. Link is in the bio.

Hang in there! You are not alone. 🌺

Artwork by We Got This ART

❤️

07/28/2021

Words can trap us or set us free. Take "disability" for instance. If my community expects me to perform in a way that is painful or unfeasible for me, 😞 then I must either:
▪️ struggle to keep up appearances
▪️ accept my differences and look for ways to adapt
▪️ push back against those expectations
▪️ drop out and stop trying

If I pretend to be just like everyone else, I will inevitably fall short and burn out 😣. For me, the term "disability" is a way to describe the way I'm interacting my community's expectations.

If those expectations were to change or the barriers removed, then my differences would remain but the "disability" would disappear.

Being "disabled" means there's a gap between expectations, accommodations, and the resources I have right now. The word "disabled" doesn't tell the whole story, but it acknowledges a part of my experience, my body and my environment.

I'm thankful for the word "disabled". 🙏🏼

"Disorder" sounds like an ugly word to me, though. ⚠️ It describes a permanent "problem" or a "flaw," and where is the problem? It's inside me. It sounds like an illness 🤒. How can a "personality" be disordered, like a blood disorder or connective tissue disorder? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can't get comfortable with that.

How about you? Are there labels that you wear with pride, and others that make you cringe?

We can always use more kindness 💖. One kind thing we can do is replace stigmatizing terms with more inclusive language. 💬

There is still stigma around both neurodiversity, disability and mental health. I still hear people trying to use terms like "differently-abled" or "handi-capable" to avoid saying "disabled".

As we become more aware of these terms, we can be more mindful and compassionate in how we choose our words. We can help destigmatize conditions.

What are some of the replacements you’ve been using?

Art by We Got This ART

07/21/2021

Children who have disruptive and challenging behaviour are still whole, complex, and full of amazing potential.

They have specific needs and struggles, and when those children get the right kind of help, they can start to express their gifts and interests in a much healthier way.

In different contexts, your child's behaviour could be interpreted as determined, creative, passionate, independent, and brave. The world needs rebels, free-thinkers, warriors, and leaders.

Fortunately, behaviour happens one moment at a time. If you pick up a copy of my book, The Parent’s Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Your Questions Answered, you will see opportunities to make a significant difference in your child's behaviour and his or her life.

Have you read it? If so, let me know if any of the exercises or insights have helped bring out the gifts in your child.

Artwork by We Got This ART

07/19/2021

Did you know that sensory self-regulation techniques don’t just help kids but they help parents too? Here are a few ideas:
1) Open a window or stand outside. What do you hear?
2) Turn on a song, give yourself permission to wiggle from start to finish.
3) Pick up a scent you like (lotion, candle, herb, fruit). Inhale.

What else can I add to the list?

Artwork by We Got This ART

07/16/2021

Parents deal with a lot of pressures that can leave us feeling overwhelmed and emotionally reactive. When we are less reactive, we can support our children better. Mindfulness practices help, even if we can’t do them consistently and only squeeze in one-off sessions. Here are a few suggestions:
🌬️ Breathing exercises;
🌸 Meditation; and
📝 Free-writing.

What have you tried that leaves you feeling calmer?

Artwork by We Got This ART

07/14/2021

Our reactivity interferes with our warmth and responsiveness to our children’s distress.

We can’t just suppress our aggressive or avoidant behaviour when we are worked up. Here are some ideas to help boost your calm and deal with stress before you snap:
🌷 Mindfulness activities
🌷 Sensory self-regulation techniques
🌷 “Learned optimism” habits, e.g. reframing situations
🌷 Identify your triggers

Let me know what works for you!

Artwork by We Got This ART

07/12/2021

Some children struggle with expressing how they feel and what they need. Which of these do you think your child’s emotional self-regulation is affected by?
A) How well-behaved they are
B) Parental warmth
C) Parental responsiveness to your child’s distress

If you answered B and C, then your answers match up with findings by Daelmans and Martines for The World Health Organization.

Your child’s emotional self-regulation improves as they grow. You can support them with your warmth and responsiveness. It has less to do with how “good” or “behaved” they are. Thoughts?

Artwork by We Got This ART

07/09/2021

Behaviour therapists often tell me that they understand the importance of
⭐ Listening
⭐ Validating
⭐ Caring

but they feel unsure in their practice because their course work focused on technical skills and theory. Formal training in empathy and rapport-building would make these brilliant people even more effective.

Share below if there's anything else you wish you had learned in school ⤵️

Artwork by We Got This ART

07/07/2021

Do you have a favourite parenting podcast or do you host one? 🎙️❤️ Name or tag them below! ⤵️

Image credit: AILes from Pixabay

07/05/2021

Did you know that there is no standard measure for "normal" child behaviour? (I actually gasped when I learned this.) 📏

I had always assumed that there was some profile that my child could be measured against, but I was completely wrong. ❌

Clinicians have used the Child Behaviour Checklist (CBCL) 📋 to total up how many disruptive behaviours were observed and compared with a sample measure, but this measure does not account for:
*️⃣ Culture;
*️⃣ Gender;
*️⃣ Family Setting; or
*️⃣ Trauma;
and many of the behaviours measured are actually part of "normal development" for most children.

These days, researchers are working on new tools, such as the MAP-DB (Multi-dimensional Assessment Profile of Disruptive Behaviour) 🗺️, which can describe more subtle challenges, like aggression versus temper loss. However, these tools still do not explain WHY❓ the behaviour is happening.

You can work with a professional (or professionals) to try to identify the factors unique to your child and family and help you come up with customized support.

📌 Save this post for when you're feeling discouraged, and share this with someone who needs to hear it.

06/30/2021

Not all trauma-related behaviour is intensely disruptive or emotionally heated. You might notice the effects of trauma come to the surface when a child attempts to avoid a difficult situation or seeks a distraction from anxious thoughts.

A trauma-informed approach to behaviour does not rely on pressuring or ignoring a child who is in distress. Instead, parents and therapists can help children to build coping skills and handle anxious thoughts in a healthier way.

Artwork by We Got This ART