05/03/2022
In my masters thesis, I studied the physical activity culture of autistic kids and their families. “Autism gone wild” was a quote used by a parent to describe this event where one of the kids in my study would meet up with other autistic kids for bowling.
Every other night of this child’s week was structured around “preparing for adulthood” (aka building neurotypical skills)… but this was the child’s “night off”. It was evident that it wasn’t really approved of, but more of a reward for “good” behaviour the rest of the week.
In the moment I remember feeling confused and irritated by this comment (I didn’t know I was autistic when conducting this study).
Now, 5 years later, knowing that I myself am autistic, I understand with more clarity what this comment made me feel.
I felt angry, protective, and a deep sense of injustice.
The society we live in currently doesn’t allow for autistic folks to simply “be themselves”.
All of us are bombarded with messages along the lines of “be yourself”… but there is SO much privilege in GETTING to “be yourself”.
Autistic people don’t get to just be themselves.
We are judged, stereotyped, excluded.
“Good” behaviour = typical behaviour.
“Be yourself” = “…just not like that. Within this specific range of societally accepted behaviours”
When we view autistic behaviour as undesirable or suboptimal, we perpetuate ableism.
After 29 years of behaving “like myself but within that very restrictive range of societally accepted behaviours”, conforming just isn’t interesting to me anymore.
I climb posts in parks.
I notice things in painstaking detail.
I love talking to strangers but not eye contact.
I answer questions literally and ask even more questions.
I repeat sounds or phrases that feel good in my mouth over and over again.
I’m also learning to turn down the volume in my head when my internalized ableism goes “omg you’re so weird and embarrassing” (like I feel while writing this post).
I’m super freaking cool, and autistic folks are not zoo animals who “go wild” together. We see the world differently, and would love to share our views with everyone so we can build a collectively less oppressed world to live in.
