Positive Change Counselling

12/05/2025

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Offering gentleness and a nurturing and comforting presence is so important.

Those are some of the most important qualities that I am constantly aiming towards.

And I also know, that sometimes, I can take those things too far.

When we approach people with too much gentleness, we are sometimes (unknowingly) projecting our own fragility and sensitivities onto others.

We sometimes assume a person might not be able to “handle” something because of our own trauma, or our difficult past, or perhaps because we simply have a low tolerance for it.

I have projected this sense of fragility onto others (plenty of times) in my lifetime and have assumed others carried the same sensitivities that I did - and many times they didn’t!

To add to that, there were many times that my extreme gentleness felt deeply disempowering to others.

Offering gentleness to others without mirroring a sense of encouragement and courage to face the truth and pain in their life can rob them of expanding into more of their capacity.

It can rob people of feeling confident enough to do the sometimes hard and necessary work it takes to face important and relationally disconnected aspects of themselves.

This doesn’t mean we rip people’s wounds open or force them to see things they simply aren’t open or capable of seeing.

No. That doesn’t work either.

I am talking about offering a little bit of both energies when the time and moment calls for it.

We can offer people gentleness and acceptance and validation and witness them for exactly who we are.

And we can also express our boundaries and we can hold people (and ourselves) accountable for hurtful behaviors (without shaming) one another.

We can make space for our relationships to mirror back to us the shadowy parts of ourselves that lay in our hidden and unconscious parts.

Connection and accountability go hand on hand.

And life sure has a funny way of offering us mirrors to hold us accountable, and to keep us humble, and to keep an eye out for us when we begin to lean too far in either direction.
// Silvy Khoucasian

PS: Want to explore working together? Message me “work with me” to book a free consultation ✨

12/03/2025

This! 💜

11/30/2025

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Improved skills = better relationships.

11/26/2025

💜by

11/25/2025

💜 This is an excellent less than 5 min video about evidence-based ISTDP, the kind of therapy I offer.

"My role is not to 'fix' you. It is to be the 'servant' of your healthy will."

"Are you ready to set your will free?"

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

11/21/2025

11/20/2025

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A part of grief is learning to accept what happened and finding a way to live with the loss.

You cannot forget, but you can learn to live with what happened.

Grief occurs when something unexpected or unwanted happens.

11/13/2025

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Rethink your definition of hope. We often confuse optimism with passively waiting for the best. But the graphic reminds us: True optimism is an active state! It requires taking purposeful action and inspiring others along the way. Time to shift from ‘everything will be okay’ to ‘I will make it okay.’

11/11/2025

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People pleasing.
This is the one that unlocked a new level of understanding for me, and how I learned about my own areas of emotional unavailability.

I NEVER thought I was emotionally unavailable, despite often finding myself in relationships with or pursuing emotionally unavailable people. After all, I felt my feelings strongly and I was very attuned to other people’s emotions, so that must mean I was available, right?

What I’ve slowly learned is that by downplaying my own needs and feelings in order to hold space for and meet the needs of everyone else, I wasn’t being honest with myself OR them.

I wasn’t actually letting people see me.
I was controlling the narrative, and would often end up being passive aggressive later on down the line because I hadn’t been open about what was working for me throughout the relationship. Sometimes I didn’t even know, because I was so desperate to be accepted that I was just trying to be who I thought they wanted me to be.

Emotional availability is being present to your feelings and needs and being willing to share them, and allowing the other person to have their own feelings and responses to your needs. It’s vulnerable bc we’re never sure what’s going to happen.

And of course, we people-please for a reason.
I didn’t do this on purpose; it was what I was raised to do in my family system because many parts of me were shamed early on, so I developed the ability to hide them.
I still sometimes have to fight the urge to downplay my own needs and to actually speak up when my feelings might inconvenience someone.

But I see it now.

Hiding your actual needs and feelings doesn’t allow other people to see the real you. They don’t get to know the real you or hold space for the real you. They don’t get the privilege of helping you when you need it, or get to show deeper sides of their personality if they’re only ever responding to one aspect of yours.

In case you missed it, The EQ School can send daily texts to your phone — which is great if you’re trying to spend less time on social media but still want reminders that help you check in with yourself, and to remind you of why you’re doing the work.
https://hdly.me/theeqschool

11/10/2025

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When your nervous system doesn’t feel safe, it can swing between extremes. One moment, “My partner is horrible!” The next, “It’s all my fault; I should be grateful.” This is called splitting, a trauma response rooted in insecure attachment. It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you from pain and uncertainty.

When your nervous system feels safe, something new becomes possible: emotional integration. You can feel anger without losing sight of love. You can see your partner’s strengths and hold them accountable for their impact. You can honor your pain while staying connected.

11/07/2025

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“Your feelings are valid” doesn’t automatically mean “your reaction is appropriate.”

It’s true for our children — and it’s true for us.

Every emotion deserves space to exist. But not every impulse deserves to lead.

Validation isn’t permission — it’s understanding. It’s saying, I see why you feel this way, while still learning to choose what comes next.

That’s the work — for both parent and child. To honor the feeling, and still take responsibility for the energy it releases into the room. That’s where awareness becomes love in action.

And how do we do that?
We pause before responding.
We breathe before speaking.
We let the wave of emotion crest and fall — and then meet the moment from calm instead of chaos.

With our children, it means holding space for their feelings without matching their intensity. Naming what they feel without trying to fix it. And helping them find safe, respectful ways to move those emotions through.

Because when we show them what it looks like to feel deeply and still stay grounded, we teach them something far greater than control — we teach them emotional mastery, built on compassion. And that mastery changes everything.

It turns power struggles into understanding.
Outbursts into opportunities for repair.
And everyday moments into lessons in trust —
the kind that strengthen connection, one calm heartbeat at a time. ❤️

Quote Credit: ❣️

Follow & for more

11/07/2025

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When was the last time you said ‘no’ to yourself? Setting internal boundaries is just as important as external ones. Are you taking breaks when tired? Limiting self-criticism? Making time for your goals? Use this visual as your checklist for a healthier, more balanced you.