04/18/2026
Birth story P.5
Around 1am the involuntary pushing was now happening every contraction. At this point, I was on my bed resting in child pose, and alternating labouring on hands and knees, and lizard pose.
At 1:25am, the head starts to become visible with the pushes. For the next 52 minutes, I reach into the cosmos, while simultaneously into the most primal and earthy part of my existence in order to bring my baby earthside.
During this 52 minutes, with each contraction I push my baby further down. With each pause between,
I could so viscerally feel baby sliding back up. For 52 minutes I was told “this sensation is safe, the stretching is intense, you’re safe to go with it”. I asked “will my tailbone get out of the way?” They said yes. I screamed, I groaned, I roared, I cried. I was so sure there was no way on earth this is how babies are born. So sure there was no way on earth that this baby will be born this way.
I felt myself tear. I felt as if I was being absolutely split in half. “Ring of fire” doesn’t cut it - the sensation is so much more nuanced and sharp than this colloquialism.
I remember thinking that surely only three more contractions and baby will be here. And those came and went. A new bargain with myself: five more contractions and baby will be here.
I remember knowing the importance of not pushing past what my body was ready for, and not asking of what my body was not needing. But being right on the cusp of birthing this baby, and lingering in this space of such great intensity, I knew I couldn’t be here forever. I finally had a moment of realization: THIS IS SELF SACRIFICE. This is where I become mother.
A new bargain with myself: I will deal with the repercussions of birth, whatever they are. If I split in half, I will figure out how to be repaired back into one piece. It is time to birth my baby.
With a fierceness and power within myself that I have never met before, I became a mother to my daughter. With earth shattering power, not only did I birth my babies head, but she flew out all in one go. My husband, her father, caught her.
My baby was born.
I was reborn.