The Filter Free Life

22/03/2025

09/03/2025

What if the person who can’t leave your mind isn’t there because you love them or because they are special, but because they are showing you something about yourself that you refuse to see

03/03/2025

If you’ve never learned healthy communication you will avoid it.
Arguments/disagreements in relationships are good. Just like in sports you learn more from losing than you ever will from winning. It’s not you against me. It’s US against the problem.
Conflict for relationships is like going to the gym for your relationship- it makes it stronger.

There are two unhealthy ways I’ve experienced problems -
1. Being yelled at - right fighting. When you’re fighting to be right/win no body wins.

2. Dismissed/gaslit - yes I hear what you’re saying but I’m not going to respond, I’m going to ignore the problem, not address it and hope you forget
Or the crazy making that happens in gaslighting when they twist and turn the story and confuse or just deny it.

If someone refuses to deal with problems they are the problem. You simply can not grow and deepen a relationship with someone who avoids conflict or dealing with problems. At some point you have to say I can’t do this anymore. I want more for myself and walk away.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship that doesn’t care about your concerns or feelings?

26/02/2025

Some of us are wounded by someone who loved us.
I remember the first relationship I had after a split with a very unhealthy relationship. He was angry at me and I said to him “yell at me” - he was so confused. I said you’re angry at me so yell at me. I wasn’t use to this communicating thing. Some of us never learned that someone could be angry with us AND still love us and not abandon us.

Some of us as children blamed ourselves for mom/dad leaving that we only knew that conflict wasn’t safe. Conflict led to blowups, leaving, avoidance and love being taken away. We never learned or saw healthy modelling of conflict. So, now uncomfortable conversations are avoided because in the back of our mind conflict and anger are associated with abandonment.

19/02/2025

Choose people who choose you.
Choose people who grow with you.
Choose people who want to fight for the relationship.
Choose people who are brave enough to battle the storms with you.

Relationships aren’t easy. They will trigger our deepest wounds.
Do you want someone who is going to run every time they are triggered?
They’re choosing a familiar pain over and unfamiliar future.

They are choosing the pain of living without you over the pain of doing the work required to keep you.
They are choosing a life without you.

They may want more for themselves but when what they want makes them scared or triggered they will choose a familiar past over and uncertain future.

If YOU want something different YOU are going to have to be someone different.

16/02/2025

That is all.

15/02/2025

Do you miss them?
Or do you miss the idea of them. Do you miss who they were in the beginning and that’s who you are remembering and missing?

You created a version of them based on the potential you saw in them.

You can date someone for their potential
BUT and this is a big BUT
Only if they see their potential too otherwise; that’s a project.

When you find yourself missing them remind yourself of who they really were at the end of the relationship. Remind yourself why you deserve more. Remind yourself that you want someone who chooses you. Remind yourself what you want in a partner and remind yourself of who they really are.

Are you missing them or the idea of them?

14/02/2025

If seeing other people’s love is going to trigger you that’s ok. It’s understandable. Give yourself some grace. Let yourself feel this. If it hurts it’s because it’s important to you.

Feel it.

But don’t keep picking at the wound. Limit your social media usage.

Find connections today in other ways. 😘😘

I see you 🙂

14/02/2025

Whelp… another year no Valentine.

Valentine’s Day can be equally triggering for someone who’s recently single, someone who’s been trying to find love for a while or someone grieving the loss of a partner.

Your thoughts and feelings about your relationship status will affect how you feel about the day.

You’re comparing what you don’t have to what you think others have or to the idea of what you want.
Reminder:
You know there are many people who have someone in their life and are disappointed on Valentine’s Day.

I married a man on Valentine’s Day hoping it might make him celebrate it… it didn’t work.

If you’re looking at what you’re lacking you’re going to find it. I promise.

Last year I had a Valentine who surprised me with flowers. Shocked me!! And I do love flowers. But this year here I am again Valentineless.

What are your thoughts about your relationship situation? Journal on it or leave it in the comments below.

So here’s what you can do tomorrow:

Acknowledge any feelings you have. Any loneliness, sadness or disappointment. Feel them. Use the 90 second method.
If your feelings could talk - ask it what it would need.
Meet your own needs. We’re wired for connection but you can meet your own needs too.

Practice some kind of self love. Buy yourself the flowers or a flower. Get yourself a treat or some chocolate. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Make yourself a delicious dinner and savour your work and effort you put into yourself.

Stay off social media or limit your social use. If it’s going to upset you or trigger you - change your screen saver to say “don’t do it” lol. Offload the app for the day. Limit your use so you don’t go down a rabbit hole and hurt your own feelings.

Find other ways to get connection. Get a long hug from a friend or family member. Call someone. Don’t isolate and sulk. Reach out and connect.

What are some ways you “get through” Valentine’s Day when you’ve been alone? Let us know. It might help someone else.