14/11/2025
Healing happens slowly.
Who expects you to be better soon when you have forever?
When all this life is is a becoming.
Coming into being.
Just you.
What if it doesn't take one lifetime, but several?
Grief, sadness, depression and being heavy has become something we culturally perceive as wrong, want nothing to do with, must overcome and change as quickly as possible.
I did it too to myself, when I needed me most. I ran away. As fast as I could. To leave the horror behind. Why dwell in it, when you can run?
I told myself I would pick it up later, at a better time, with more strength. In all that time I've been longing, yearning and aching for a warm hug- someone to wrap me in their arms and let me fall apart, finally. Cry, let loose the inner Oceans, safe from drowning in them, the deep waters, and be held, comforted- like a child. And then shake it off and run off to play again.
How can one heal, arrive, move through the dark nights if no time is given, no space is held, no comfort is received and your heart grows cold and dry? Numb and still in shock, a hollow ghost haunting your own life.
You are a zombie dead walking through your life.
You forget why you are here.
Healing must be intentionally chosen.
And you can only choose it when you accept that you are broken.
Can you tolerate the version of yourself, that isn't happy, full of joy and has no plans, wants, desires, dreams or room for anyone else in your life, but retreats, withdraws, hermits and chooses solitude?
Denial is strong in certain 'spiritual circles'.
No light language, light codes or mental magic wands will change whatever you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually experienced, felt, saw, hurt, the breaking, the physical change in your body.
It goes deeper than even you expected.
You skipped steps, because you were in shock. Alone. Terrified. Petrified.
You know now.
You ignore other people's advice. It's so easy to be clever, when you have no idea what you're talking about.
You drown out their voices so you can hear AND trust your own.
You even defy the limitations and visit the gatekeeper. Now. Luck in your hands and on your left shoulder. Conscious of where you journey.
You don't need to cast runes, do sejdr, speak magical words, do particular rituals, drink cacao, ayahuasca, tap dance, howl to the moon or gather with a coven round a sorceress's table.
You just ask.
You are allowed passage. Because you are ready. Your intention true and honest. And your quest brings balance.
The movement is inside-outness. You know this path.
You find her.
You.
You are your own guardian angel.
She sits there in the bed you still sleep in.
The sheets haven't been thrown out yet, but will be.
She's a raw, hairless alien. The radioactivity still has an effect on her system, the toxins in her cells still. But mostly it's the nerves, the skin, her heart and her soul that suffer from knowing what she can't remember. Anaesthetic memory loss.
The heartache is shallow still, but will pull her back in its dark embrace when the adrenaline, the morphine and the toxins recede. When her ability to move returns and the physical excruciating pain lessens.
The worst is over but bad is yet to come.
You find her there. And your heart opens with unlimited lOve. For her.
You wrap your arms around her. And from your state of peace, your hard earned new-found stability, your grounded reassurance that everything will be alright, cause you survived and lived to know it, you are finally able to comfort this broken human in your arms, that everyone one else left alone.
And she finally releases the inner Oceans, dark, stormy, all consuming. Her pain is that deep. It holds ancestral grief, creator- creation separation wound, and everything else that has drawn to its gravitational super massive dark hole.
But because you no longer fear grief, darkness and heavy emotions, you lOve, truly, unconditionally. And you cry with her. Knowing that this kind of magic is deep, transformative, thick, holy.
I rock the me that I was in my arms until there are no more tears.
It's three in the morning. I don't care.
I have swollen eyes in the morning and I'm late for work.
I am ok with that.
Healing takes time. Years. Sometimes a lifetime.
Don't ever tell me that you can choose joy whenever you want.
I believe only those who don't know grief, heartache, life threatening illness and having body parts removed will claim that.
It's ok to mourn. Even if you mourn your ego. It's ok to mourn versions of yourself you release for healthier ones.
Loss is loss. Love doesn't judge.
The web between everything is love. It doesn't judge your creation or your action. It loves everything and everyone without judgement.
So why do we judge ourselves and each other?
If someone you know is grieving, do me a favor and hug them. A long warm hug.
If you run from them or shy away- ask yourself if you do that because you are afraid of your own darkness.
