07/09/2025
It’s Only Words
I talk a lot about surviving grief, but you may wonder, what exactly does that mean? What does it feel like to survive grief? What does it feel like to know you’re healing?
I’ve survived my grief, and I’ve healed, but I’m not the same person I was before my loss.
I never will be again.
Surviving my grief doesn’t mean I’ve stopped grieving. I don’t think I ever will. I can’t be fixed. I don't want to be fixed.
Some people think surviving grief means being happy again. All the time.
I don't. I’m happy, sad, angry, confused, lost, found, and many more things all at the same time.
Here’s the thing…it's more important to me to be who I really am, than to pretend things I don't feel.
If I get stuck in one emotion, I try to be present to what else is happening. I give myself time to feel the pain of loss and time to find things that bring me joy and happiness. I couldn't do that in the first months of grief, or even years after my loss, that’s how I know I’ve healed.
I’m just like everyone else, I have different emotions, always flowing through me, always shifting, always changing. No one knows my grief; it’s mine and only mine. They see me smiling and laughing and they ask, "How are you?" and I say, "Great, but of course the person I love is still dead."
I'd much rather other people acknowledge my pain because that frees me up to have a better time. If you only see my joy and my accomplishments, and you don’t see my pain, then you don’t know me.
There’s no time limit on grief, but there’s also no limit on filling the empty space with happy moments, when you can, and when you’re ready.
I'm just like you...I suffered a terrible loss. But I'm still here.
Sure, I survived, but there’s more to surviving than meets the eye. I try to remember that what seems like time going by so slowly when you miss someone you love, is only a blink of an eye in terms of eternity.
If you ask me how I am, I'll tell you, but it will just be words.
And words…sometimes don't say very much at all.
Gary Sturgis - Surviving Grief
