PookyH

25/03/2026

Last call for anyone who'd like to come and learn about / discuss EBSA and school anxiety this evening. We kick off at 7pm. Recording will be sent to everyone who registers

Practical strategies for parents and professionals supporting children who are struggling to attend school

25/03/2026

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆'𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲. 𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗶𝘁.
When a young person is anxious or overwhelmed, the part of the brain that processes language and logic has largely gone offline.

Reassurance often doesn't reassure. What helps is felt safety: a nervous-system-level sense that this moment is survivable.

I've developed the SAFE framework - a simple structure for those moments (what do you think?)

𝗦𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁.
Before you approach, notice your own body. Unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders, slow your breathing. This might take three seconds. An anxious young person will pick up on your tension even if you don't say a word. You can't give what you don't have.

𝗔𝗰𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗹𝗲𝗱𝗴𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴.
"I can see this feels really big right now." Not to fix it, just to name it. Validation isn't agreement. You can acknowledge that something feels terrifying without agreeing that it is dangerous.

𝗙𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺.
Sit with them rather than facing them. Resist the urge to fill silence with words. Two minutes of quiet company allows the physiological spike to start settling. Your presence is doing the work.

𝗘𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁.
Only once the intensity starts to settle, offer small choices: "Would you like some water, or would you rather just sit for a bit?" Micro-choices restore a sense of agency. The problem-solving conversation comes later.

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This is a slide from a session I'm running for the first time later this week. I'm really looking forward to it. What would you add, or what's been your experience?

Please share this if it would be useful to someone in your network.

24/03/2026

𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗯𝗮𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗮𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲. 𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗮 𝗻𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲.

When a child with EBSA can't get to school, the instinct is to get them in anyway. Keep the routine. Don't let the gap grow. For years, that was the standard advice, and it came from a genuinely good place.
But for many children it made things worse. Here's why...

Think about a dog. If you're afraid of dogs and one bites you, your brain doesn't learn that dogs are safe. It learns your fear was justified. Exposure made things worse, not better.

If school is the thing that bites, pushing a child in before anything has changed teaches their brain exactly the wrong lesson. Every hard day confirms it: school isn't safe.

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝘀:
• Get curious with child about what makes school feel hard. Listen first, fix later.
• Identify what needs to change, whether that's sensory, social, academic pressure, or something else entirely.
• Make adjustments before increasing attendance, not after.
• Then return gradually, starting small enough that each step feels manageable and safe.

The goal is a nervous system that learns: school is okay. That only happens when the experience backs it up.

Please share this if you found it helpful

𝗜'𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂. 𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝘃𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗮 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗘𝗕𝗦𝗔, 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝗱𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲?

22/03/2026

𝗡𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝘃𝗶𝘁𝗮𝗹. 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁.
I talk about nothing time a lot. The importance of stopping, removing all demands, giving yourself space to rest and reset. Especially for those of us who are neurodivergent, it isn’t a luxury. It’s essential.

Today I actually did it. I am simultaneously horrified at my lack of productivity and quietly proud of myself.

What made it possible was someone else giving me permission. My partner told me the most important thing I could do today was rest. That was enough.

Sometimes we can’t give ourselves that permission. We need someone to hand it to us.

If you’re supporting a neurodivergent child, or a neurodivergent adult, or honestly anyone who runs themselves into the ground: telling them it’s okay to stop might be the most useful thing you do today.

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Please share this to your stories if you think someone in your life needs to hear it.

20/03/2026

On this morning’s ride I spotted the first bluebells of the year 🥰

20/03/2026

𝗦𝘁𝘂𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗼𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹.
The motivation is there. What's often missing isn't effort or time, it's an approach that fits how their brains actually work.

𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗯𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗺𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗮𝘁𝗲.
They can't push through low-interest tasks on willpower the way neurotypical brains can. It's not a discipline problem. It's how the wiring works.

𝗦𝘂𝗯𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗴𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀.
A student might revise one subject for an hour and feel fine, then be exhausted after twenty minutes of another. That's not attitude or effort. Some material activates these brains easily; some costs significantly more.

𝗦𝗼 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝘀?
𝗔𝘁 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹: allow movement during work, pacing, fidgeting, standing. Permit earbuds with music or white noise where possible. Schedule lower-engagement subjects when energy is highest. Switch activity every 20 to 25 minutes. Reframe active breaks as fuel rather than reward.

𝗔𝘁 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗲: experiment with background noise to find what works for that individual. Work standing up or move between rooms. Exercise before starting, not just between subjects. Use high-interest topics as a way into harder ones. Short bursts with active breaks. And if gamifying revision helps, it helps.

𝗙𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺𝘀𝗲𝗹𝘃𝗲𝘀, 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗵 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳.
Which subjects activate you?
Which cost more?
What conditions help you focus?

This isn't just about getting through exams. You'll be managing this brain for decades, and the earlier you understand what works for you, the better placed you'll be.

𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗴𝘆 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗳𝗶𝗹𝗲, 𝘄𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗴𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗲𝘅𝗮𝗺𝘀.
Revision that works with the brain rather than against it becomes possible. Not easy. But possible.

--
I'd love to know what's worked for ADHD students you've supported. What's made the difference?

20/03/2026

𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗙𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗜𝗺𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲, live webinar, next Wednesday evening.

Book your place here: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/when-school-feels-impossible-tickets-1981855441977?aff=ebdsoporgprofile

This one is for parents, teachers, SENCOs, and anyone supporting a child with emotionally based school avoidance. We'll look at what's really driving EBSA, how to break the shame cycle, and what progress actually looks like when it doesn't show up on a register.

45 minutes of taught content, then an extended live Q&A. The taught session is recorded and sent to everyone who registers.

Wednesday 25th March, 7pm GMT. £20, or free if you're a paid Patreon supporter.

Practical strategies for parents and professionals supporting children who are struggling to attend school

18/03/2026

Can confirm that London is still overwhelming and I’m still unable to take a half decent selfie. But the sun is shining and I had a wonderful day exploring neurodiversity with .world and 100+ young people as part of the Difference Matters project. A great day but I really really need the mountain bike ride I’m planning on my way home to decompress. I don’t know how I used to manage London every day.

05/03/2026

𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗻 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗴𝗲𝘁𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗰𝗸 𝗼𝗻 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝘂𝗻𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗿, 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁 𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲.

It's about how their brain processes justice.

For many autistic people, fairness works more like logic than preference. When something doesn't add up, it creates an unresolved problem. An open loop. And until that loop closes, the brain keeps returning to it.

𝗡𝗲𝘂𝗿𝗼𝘁𝘆𝗽𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝗼𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗽𝘁𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗰𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗽.

"Water under the bridge" works for a lot of people because it provides just enough closure to file the thing away. For many autistic people, it doesn't. The logical error is still there. Nothing has actually been resolved.

This also connects to monotropism. Many autistic minds focus deeply on one thing at a time. When that one thing is an injustice, it can take up all available mental space. Not because they're choosing to dwell. Because the loop is genuinely still open.

Three things worth knowing:
1. Moving on without resolution isn't just difficult. It can feel morally wrong.
2. This isn't stubbornness. It's a brain doing exactly what it's supposed to do.
3. "Just let it go" isn't a solution. Genuine acknowledgment is.

Please share this if you found it helpful or interesting

03/03/2026

𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗿𝗲𝗻 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 a version of themselves that feels safe enough to survive the classroom.

Not because they're dishonest. Because they've learned that who they actually are gets corrected, redirected, or quietly discouraged.

They sit still when their body needs to move. They make eye contact when it costs them. They laugh at the right moments and stay quiet at the right moments and nobody ever asks what it's costing them, because it looks like coping.

It isn't coping. It's performing. And it's exhausting.

Four things that help reduce the need to perform:
• 𝗠𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗿𝘆.
Not a special mention. Not a big announcement. Just the everyday language of "we all work differently here." When difference is normal, there's nothing to hide.

• 𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗶𝘁.
Know what genuinely lights them up. Reference it. Build it in. It tells them their real self is welcome here, not just the version that fits.

• 𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗶𝘁 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻.
"You don't have to be like everyone else in here." Some children have never heard that from an adult. Not once.

• 𝗟𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝘂𝗽 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗲.
Not who they're trying to be. The child performing normality needs to know the performance isn't necessary.

Belonging isn't about fitting in. It's about being seen as you are and finding out that's enough.

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Please share this if you think it would help someone.

03/03/2026

One of the funny things about being an author is that every now and then you receive a copy of a book you wrote in a language you can’t speak…

Ten Things I Got Wrong So You Don’t Have To (the yellow one) is now available in Romanian.. I’d love to find someone who’s going to read it in Romanian, anyone?

I really like this cover. (But, don’t ask about the spine…)