SEND HUGS, Chesham (2025)

11/12/2025

When my children first started having difficulties at school, I tried to get support for them. When they continued to struggle, I asked if the school would apply for EHCPs for them.

I was given many reasons over the next few years why their schools would not apply. These included:

- their needs were not significant enough because they weren't behind academically
- there were other children in the school whose needs were more urgent
- it wouldn't be granted because the school hadn't spent £6,000 on them
- it was too risky, because if the school applied unsuccessfully it would affect their track record with the local authority (LA) and make it less likely that their next application would succeed.

What nobody told me (in fact, one SENCo actively denied it) was that there is one legal test which determines whether a child is entitled to an EHC needs assessment, and neither of the two parts to that test is anything to do with any of the excuses listed above.

They also never told me that I could apply myself, and applying is easier than it sounds. Many LAs have specific forms to fill in, some use online portals or hubs, and some ask for evidence that various hoops have been jumped through before they will accept an application.

None of these local requirements is specified in the law. All the law requires is that you write a letter to the local authority demonstrating that both parts of the legal test have been met - and that's a very low bar.

Both my children's schools thanked me when I finally applied for their EHCPs myself. It reduced the administrative burden on overstretched SENCos, and my children's needs were becoming painfully obvious without the support they needed.

The process is still pretty painful, and since I've been doing EHCP draft reviews, I've come across some shockingly bad drafts, which are not worth the paper they're printed on. But it's usually possible to persuade the LA to improve the draft without going to tribunal once you remind them of the law.

My next EHCP workshop will be on 31 January 2026 in Downley Community Centre. If your child needs support, come along and let's get the ball rolling.

Booking link is in the comments.

10/12/2025

I've been staring at a blank screen for hours, and started several different posts in between trying to get everything else done.

I eventually turned to my Facebook memories for inspiration. Today, all I have to give you is this: the Tenth of December Feeling.

09/12/2025

As I was driving my 13-year-old to school this morning, Pink Floyd came on the radio.

"Ha! 'We don't need no education'! I don't need to go to school."

"Actually, that's a double negative. Two negatives make a positive, so you DO need an education."

"OK, well, you and Daddy both said no when I asked you for money yesterday. That's a double negative, so now you both owe me £100."

Lots of pointless arguing ensued, including me pointing out that she had already been borrowing against her future pocket money and so owed me money.

As we arrived at the school, she concluded with, "OK, well if you cancel the money I owe you, I'll forget about the £100 that you owe me."

Does anyone else find their child has an unshakable sense of their own (false) logic and the ability to argue the back leg off a donkey?

Please make me feel better by telling me how your child has tried to outsmart you recently!

08/12/2025

I have a small person at home today.

When I asked him this morning what was wrong, he went to our "Why am I out of sorts?" chart and pondered deeply.

He was quickly able to identify that he had a headache and was tired, then he pointed to "I'm sad" and "Something feels wrong". He couldn't work out what the "something" was, but he hasn't felt like eating today, so I suspect there's a bit of stomach churning going on.

And then he said, "Wait, there's something missing from here."

He asked for a pen, and made the addition you can see in the photo, then pointed to it.

"Are you scared today?" I asked.

"Yes."

"And what are you scared of?"

"Christmas. Everyone's excited about it and they keep talking about it. I don't know what people are going to say or do next. They might be loud or jump up and down. There are too many people around. And I hate seeing things that remind me of Christmas everywhere all the time."

My daughter loves Christmas and plans for it obsessively. She tore down her Hallowe'en decorations and put up Christmas ones in her bedroom as midnight struck at the end of Hallowe'en.

We have a house of two halves downstairs - my daughter was given free rein on one room, and she's put up the tree, the stockings and a ton of other Christmas decorations.

The kitchen, sitting room and dining area remain a Christmas-free zone. There are no decorations, no cards put up, and no different foods.

I love Christmas, and would never want the festivities toned down too much in school when most of the children are excited and enjoying it. I used to be on the PTA at my children's old school, and would go in on the first weekend of Advent to help put up the decorations.

But if you're not a lover of all things Christmas, it can be pretty relentless. I wonder whether schools could have a Christmas-free quiet room somewhere that people could go to for a sensory reset if all the excitement gets too much for them.

07/12/2025

I recently wrote a couple of posts about role play as a PDA trait.

Another defining trait of PDA is surface sociability which belies a lack of understanding of social dynamics.

What does this look like in practice?

What we see in PDA is complete incomprehension of social norms and hierarchies. "Because I'm your mother" and "Because he's your teacher" do not compute.

Relationships are critical to a child with PDA. They won't obey you "because I said so", but they'll be the devoted follower of anyone who builds a genuine rapport with them and treats them as an equal.

Behavioural norms are often imposed from the top down. People in a position of power decide what behaviour is acceptable, and enforce it on those with less power.

A child with PDA will not understand why anyone has the power to impose rules on them which make no sense, and will protect themselves by kicking against any loss of autonomy and control.

Show them respect and explain why things need to be done a certain way, and it’s a different matter - they will choose to collaborate with a person they trust, to the best of their ability.

Non-compliance is then a case of "can't" rather than "won't". They want to collaborate, but something stronger prevents them from doing so. Punishing non-compliance is futile and can damage relationships further.

A child with PDA will see all (trusted) adults as equals.

When my PDA child develops a strong relationship with a teacher, she sees herself as their friend. At primary school, she liked them to give her jobs to do. She makes or buys gifts for her teachers and likes to chat and joke with them.

She has always seen herself as a third parent to her little brother. When he fell over or banged his head, she would rush to get to him before me and send me off to get an ice pack or a plaster while she comforted him.

She expects to be involved in decisions about his schooling and is offended when I don't let her read his school report.

This sense of responsibility and disregard for hierarchy is one reason I think childhood is particularly hard for children with PDA - but also explains why I think my daughter and others like her will be amazing adults.

06/12/2025

This week, I received a gift.

I didn't think it was a gift at first - in fact, I was pretty upset about it.

This term has been tricky in all sorts of ways. I've spent a lot of time dealing with meetings, emails and research to work out how to address the issues that have arisen. I've spent even more time and nervous energy just worrying about the issues. And my to do list fell by the wayside.

I was so busy firefighting that I lost focus on what needed to be done.

Days turned into weeks and then months, with urgent items still languishing on my to do list - just with some underlining and asterisks added.

I couldn't see the wood for the trees, and I ended up doing something impetuous. My lack of focus meant I wasn't earning enough money to pay the bills, so when a part time job came up in an area I'm passionate about, I applied for it.

And then... the application deadline came and went, and I received an email saying they hadn't received enough applications and were extending the deadline by another 7 weeks.

At first, I felt the way you feel at parties where you're talking to someone and they keep looking over your shoulder to see if they can spot someone more interesting and important.

Then I felt indignant that my time and other commitments were considered so unimportant that I could be kept hanging on for an extra 7 weeks without knowing whether I was even going to get an interview.

And then I realised this was a gift.

I thought about what the job involves and the existing constraints on my time. I thought about what I really want in the medium and longer term, and how I can achieve it.

I don't work well without a deadline - and my subconscious knows if the deadline is artificial.

What I've been given is an externally-imposed deadline to see whether I can make enough progress to be able to withdraw my application for a part-time job which I'm sure would be fulfilling and useful financially but would ultimately be a distraction from my goals. The planning has begun, and I'm buzzing with new ideas.

7 weeks to make a difference. What a gift!

05/12/2025

"Mummy, do you know what's really annoying? People keep talking about what their elves have been doing, and they don't even realise it's actually their parents. They need to learn that the elves don't move by themselves, otherwise when they grow up they'll just leave the elves to do stuff and their children will be disappointed - but when I tell them, they don't believe me."

"What?! Who have you been telling?"

"X, but he argued and wouldn't believe me."

"It's not actually your job to teach anyone that. Trust me - by the time they have children of their own, they'll have figured it out by themselves."

"But they really argue with me when I tell them - I don't think they will."

"Listen to me very carefully. It’s not your job. Let them find out by themselves. Please don't tell anyone else."

Ten minutes later...

"Mummy, does that mean I can’t tell them about Santa either?"

I was taken back to the fury of the parents who told me my daughter had told their children about Santa.

She had figured it out for herself and when she asked for confirmation, I gave it to her. I had always said I wouldn't lie if my children asked me a direct question. I had also told her not to tell her friends, but what can I say? She was 4.

Those two experiences scarred me for life - my child's indiscretions were seen almost as acts of aggression, and I was blamed.

The second occasion was in June - how was I expected to know she would randomly start talking about Santa?

Each time, I had a serious chat with her and explained that she shouldn't tell anyone else.

I then had to explain to her teachers that if they heard her talk about "grown-up secrets that we can't tell anyone", it wasn't a safeguarding issue!

Parents of children who believe in logic more than magic - it's worth having those conversations with your children now, before they spill the beans.

Parents whose children still believe in the magic, please bear with us if our children let it slip, and try to be ready with a suitable response for your children when they question what they've heard.

Our children aren't trying to upset or hurt anyone. They may just be trying to help your future grandchildren!

04/12/2025

My son went into school full of excitement today, because he had something he wanted to share with his teacher and the class. He did some solid real learning last night, and was full of enthusiasm about it.

A friend of mine had seen the skeleton of a muntjac on a walk, and had sent me a map to show where I could find it in the woods. So after school, I took my son into the woods. He's been talking about wanting to find an animal bone or something for ages, so seeing a whole skeleton was a thrill beyond his wildest dreams.

This little boy who gets upset in the winter because long trousers are too itchy and uncomfortable and he gets cold in his shorts, who cries in distress if some food that's the wrong texture accidentally gets into his mouth, who can't stand the sensory overload of going into a shop, especially if music is playing - this boy excitedly picked up the skeleton and was fascinated to manipulate the joints and see the differences between the hinge joint of the knee and the ball and socket joint of the hip. He loved seeing how flexible the backbone was and identifying all the different parts of the body.

I managed to persuade him not to take the whole skeleton home, but we did pick up most of it, and took it home to clean up.

My daughter wouldn't let it into the house, so we cleaned it as best we could with hot water and an old toothbrush, then built a fire and boiled the bones over the flames for a couple of hours.

Since we had flames, he even asked if he could roast marshmallows, and although he usually hates that warm gooiness, he happily roasted the mini marshmallows which were all I had available and even ate a few.

It was a real red letter day for him, and he was thrilled - and excited at the thought of telling his friends and his teacher all about it.

This morning, we picked out the cleanest and most interesting-looking bones and he proudly carried them in a box on his lap in the car, going into school without a backward glance as soon as we arrived.

I did have to veto one thing, though. He announced on the way to school that his skeleton needed a name.

I had to tell him that I didn't think "Bob the B***r" was very suitable!

03/12/2025

"I was fine when I was growing up."

"We never needed all this nonsense when I was at school."

"We just used to get on with it, and it never did us any harm."

Sound familiar?

I went to primary school in the 1970s. I was never given homework, although we did read at home. We were allowed to read what we liked, and once we had demonstrated that we knew how to read, we were left to choose our own books according to our interests.

There was no national curriculum, and teachers were trusted to teach us what they knew we needed to know.

There were no SATs, and although we had spelling tests, there was no pressure. Assessment was presumably ongoing, as I don't remember ever doing an exam in primary school.

Children knew nothing about attendance targets, learning objectives and test scores. We were free to be children and to enjoy learning and playing with our friends.

I honestly think my children would have had no trouble coping with a 1970s primary school classroom.

We put so much pressure on our children to perform. We test them endlessly from the moment they enter the education system. They don't have time to settle into the classroom in the morning - they're straight into their morning numeracy and literacy tasks. Reading becomes a chore - another thing they have to be pushed to do.

From about the age of 5, my children told me they didn't like "doing learning". "Learning" involved sitting still and facing the teacher with their "listening ears" on, having to write the date and LO (enough writing in itself to exhaust my dyspraxic, hypermobile son) and producing endless amounts of written work.

Schools have become exam factories, where the joy is sucked out of learning for learning's sake.

I worked in professional training for 20 years. Over the last few years, the most common question I would get from graduates with good degrees was not "How can I use this in my job?", but "Do I need to know this for the exam?"

Neurodivergent children are the canaries in the coal mines. They're telling us that schools have become a hostile environment. I don't think I'd cope in a school these days without reasonable adjustments.

We should listen to them.

02/12/2025

A few weeks ago, I was driving my son to school when a realisation hit me like a brick. I drove the rest of the way in tears.

My daughter doesn't want to be home educated and won't change schools. Neither child will go to school with anyone but me. I realised this meant I could only consider schools for him that I could get him to and still get my daughter to school.

And that meant he might end up at her school.

There are some lovely staff at her school, and she has some great friends. For the first two years, they worked with us and did their best to support her, and I sang their praises sky high.

But the school joined a multi-academy trust over the summer, and a couple of key members of staff left. We were told nothing significant would change, but there have been huge changes this term, both in the way SEND support is organised and in the attitude.

I didn't think they could meet my son's needs before, and I'm absolutely certain they can't now.

Knowing I might be forced to send him there anyway because of the clash between his needs and hers and the impossibility of getting them to schools that are any distance apart broke me. I cried again as I submitted his secondary school application.

The feeling came back with a vengeance this week.

He goes to breakfast club and she's excused from form time. This allows just enough time for me to drop each of them at school more or less on time. But her school have suddenly started marking her late every morning. I find this hugely stressful.

This morning, my son had trouble going into school. It's been brewing a while, and today it took three members of staff and me half an hour to get him in. I left him crying and screaming for me not to leave him, trying to scale the fence as I turned my back on him and walked away.

As a consequence of the 30 minute struggle, my daughter was 15 minutes late for her first class.

The inability of your parent to bilocate is not a valid excuse for lateness, apparently. And that's why my son will probably end up having to go to a school that's not suitable for him.

The system has no flexibility for families with more than one child with needs.

01/12/2025

"Mummy, why are you being so soft?"

"What do you mean?"

"You took my phone away from me, and then I ran away from you and now you're giving it back."

"I want you to go to sleep. I realised that not letting you listen to your phone while you settle down isn't helping you to fall asleep. And you came back without me having to go downstairs and get you, which I appreciate."

"But you said I couldn’t have it, and now you're being soft."

"Do you not want to have it?"

"I do, but you said I couldn’t."

"Do you think that was reasonable of me?"

"No, it won't help me to settle down."

"I agree. So when you decided to come back to bed without being told, I decided to give you the thing that helps you to fall asleep."

"Anyway, the dog gives better cuddles than you. That’s why I went downstairs."

"I'm glad he gave you a nice cuddle, and I'm glad you came back to bed without having to be told. Shall we settle down now?"

"Yes, I'm tired."

Sometimes the "consequence" makes it less likely that we'll achieve the desired effect. I needed him to settle down and go to sleep, but he was messing around with his phone. Taking it away from him altogether got him all wound up.

He knew how to calm himself down - he took himself off for a cuddle with the dog, and came back of his own accord to go to bed.

It’s not about the power struggle - it's about what helps him to settle and makes his mind stop racing at 100 miles an hour.

He asked me to tell him a story, and I did, but he got too involved in it and kept commenting and asking questions.

He said he was hungry but full, thirsty but didn't need a drink, hot but cold, tired but wide awake, and couldn't get comfortable.

It’s a perfect description of not knowing what to do with yourself because you're overtired. And I'd taken away his regulation tool.

He chooses what to put on his phone, and it's basically white noise. He then puts it down beside him, turns his back on it and is usually asleep within minutes.

I was wrong to try to deprive him of that. Sometimes you need to hold your boundary, and sometimes you need to admit you were wrong and move on.

30/11/2025

I have been increasingly angry about the arguments of politicians and the media that the SEND crisis is largely caused by overdiagnosis of some conditions.

We're told that too many children are being diagnosed, leading to a massive increase in demand for support.

Now, this argument actually needs a lot of unpicking.

Are they saying children are being diagnosed who don't actually have these conditions?

This would be misdiagnosis, and would be grounds for action to be taken against medical professionals who are giving out false diagnoses like sweeties.

I don't think any evidence has been offered for this. Nobody is pointing at particular clinicians and saying, "That child does not meet the diagnostic criteria - you're wrong!"

But that is not what "overdiagnosis" actually means.

In overdiagnosis, the criteria for diagnosis of a particular condition are met, but the condition does not cause any problems.

So, for instance, I have had imaging which showed I had cysts in my kidneys. They're not growing, not causing any symptoms, and there's no risk that they'll turn into anything more sinister. They're just there.

Knowing they're there changes nothing, and not knowing would have caused no additional risk to my health.

You could say that the detection of these cysts was an overdiagnosis. Removing them would be over-treatment - treating me unnecessarily. It would be a waste of money.

Contrast this with autism and ADHD.

If they are being overdiagnosed, the criteria are being met by patients who have no difficulties associated with them. Either the criteria are wrong and the clinical bar for diagnosis is too low, or traits are being picked up incidentally when they are not causing problems.

To understand whether this is actually happening, let's look at how they are diagnosed.

Are they picked up through widespread screening of healthy children?

No.

Are they detected incidentally when looking for something else?

No.

Children are only assessed after a usually long period on a waiting list for those conditions.

They only join the waiting list if they are having difficulties associated with their autistic/ADHD traits.

So, overdiagnosis?

No!

SEND HUGS

11/12/2025

10/12/2025

09/12/2025

08/12/2025

07/12/2025

06/12/2025

05/12/2025

04/12/2025

03/12/2025

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30/11/2025

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