16/01/2026
If you haven't experienced the utter helplessness of losing your child bit by bit, you're lucky, but if you have...
Dear Mom, (Dad and Family), It's Not Your Fault.
As a drug and alcohol counselor, it’s been an honor to work closely with individuals who struggle with addiction. It's immensely gratifying to see people who have given up on life recover hope and make life-saving changes in a short time. As the addicted person becomes well, it’s essential to look at the family history. Returning to a safe, supportive environment is crucial when recovering from addiction.
Because addiction is a family disease, everyone needs to make changes. To facilitate this, family members attend rehab weekly to participate in educational family programs. The faces change, but their stories are similar. Some are spouses and siblings. A few are Dads. But for the most part, the common thread in families struggling with addiction is Mom.
Mom, you made the calls to rehab.
Mom, you cleaned up the mess.
Mom, you paid the bills.
Mom, you kept the secrets.
Mom, you protected them.
Mom, you put your life on hold.
Mom, you did your best. Now it’s time to stop beating yourself up.
Dear Mom, it's not your fault.
In group therapy, one Mom gave voice to her pain. Her son’s addiction had taken a significant toll on her. She was exhausted and had tried everything she could think of to put her son back together. But no matter how hard this Mom tried, she couldn’t get him clean and sober. When her son was small, Mom said she could fix his scraped knee with a kiss and a Band-Aid. Mom helped her son with his homework, fed his hungry stomach, and soothed his feverish brow. Mom changed his diaper and wiped his runny nose. But her child's addiction was beyond her control. Mom threw up her hands in the group and cried. “I failed my son.” There was a moment of silence before heads began to nod. Mothers around the room agreed. Logical or not, these women felt like they had failed as Moms.
It doesn’t matter who Mom is; she will struggle with guilt. Mom wonders, was her child’s addiction her fault?
Mom, you ask;
What did I do wrong?
Didn’t I do enough?
Did I do too much?
The answer is simple.
Dear Mom, it's not your fault.
When your child struggles with addiction, your head and heart play tug-of-war. What you’re seeing and what you’re hearing doesn’t add up. You want to believe your child, but your instincts tell you differently. Worse yet, when you confront your child, they get angry and shut you out of their life. To stay close, you give in to their demands and say yes when no is the correct answer.
After a time, you realize that helping them isn’t helpful, and the guilt you felt at not being able to fix your child led you to do too much for them. Which, in turn, only enabled their addiction.
Mom, you did the best you could, considering you didn’t have all the facts. When someone struggles with addiction, they don’t tell you the truth. They say what you want to hear. You can’t make informative choices when you don't know the whole story.
Dear Mom, it's not your fault.
It’s natural to want to trust your child. Your nature is to nurture and take care of them. If only love could fix this. But it cannot. To help your child, you will require a support system and firm boundaries.
At first, setting healthy boundaries will feel cruel and unloving. Stay the course; boundaries help your child experience the consequences of their actions, increasing the likelihood that they will choose recovery. However, don’t expect a thank you for doing the right thing. Most who struggle with addiction will not appreciate you saying no. They may even become verbally abusive and revert to emotional extortion.
You may hear things like, You're a terrible Mom. An uncaring Mom. A selfish Mom. As you hold your boundaries, their behavior may escalate. Substance abusers act up because it works. However, rewarding manipulative behavior is never a good idea. Instead, talk with your support circle. You will feel guilty. You will second-guess yourself. Your head will tell you, you’re the worst Mom ever. But you’re absolutely not. You’re a loving Mom doing a hard thing–the right thing.
Dear Mom, it's not your fault.
Please know you didn’t cause their illness. You can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. But you can influence the outcome. Someone has to make the hard choices. Don’t wait for the impaired thinker to do it. Lead by example. If they refuse help, start with you. Be prepared to attend meetings and, most importantly, reach out for support. There is hope. Addiction is a treatable illness, and statistics show that when families are educated and in recovery, their addicted loved ones have a greater chance of succeeding.
Lorelie Rozzano
www.jaggedlittleedges.com
