Resli Costabell

23/02/2023

Could you please help me? I'm looking for answers to the following question:

What is your idea of a perfect world?

(There are, of course, no right or wrong answers, so please just spit 'em out. This is for a project I'm working on.)

A few examples from other people, to get your brain cooking:
- "People act with compassion and take responsibility"
- "Everything works the way it's supposed to work"
- "We minimise our physical footprints and maximise our emotional footprints"
- "There are carefully designed policies and procedures, and people feel motivated to uphold them"
- "People have more ways to get what they want in life"
.. so hit me up! What are some of your ideas of a perfect world, please?

11/11/2022

Remember when this sign went viral?
My claim to fame: The Sign Lady is my beloved aunt, Joan Austin. The link in the comments takes you to an article with loads more of Aunt Joan's signs.

I got to wondering what would happen if workplaces posted pithy thoughts to stimulate thinking and stir conversations.

Perhaps such brain candy could be posted in virtual meeting rooms, for people to ponder together (or ignore, if they wish) before the meeting starts. Or there's always the office, if anyone goes there anymore.

If your organisation posted a weekly piece of brain candy, How might that affect:
- the degree to which staff believe it's a great workplace?
- efforts to break down silos?
- people who find it tricky to start conversations?
- seeing colleagues as humans, not just as completers of tasks?

What do you think?

24/10/2022

What do to if you've finished your presentation, but you don't want to stand in awkward silence as if you're buffering?

Here's a quick way to you'll signal that you're finished:
1. Pause for what seems like too long.
2. Give a small quick jerk of a nod.
3. Say "Thank you".
4. Pause again, as you look at the camera or look around the room.
5. Leave with your dignity intact.

PS: This post is not a political comment about Sunak. It's purely about his presentation skills.

PPS: Somewhere out there, a plank of wood is feeling aggrieved by knowing it would have made a livelier presentation.

The incoming Prime Minister praised Liz Truss's 'dignity and grace' in a 184-word statement before pausing at the end, then awkwardly sidling off stage

20/05/2022

I'm on an app where we give stuff away to neighbours. This evening, I collected a parcel a stranger had left outside for me. I removed the item from the carrier bag, then returned the generous stranger's carrier bag by pushing it through her letterbox.

It was quite difficult to stuff the bag through the letterbox. The carrier bag was empty, but felt as if there were something in it.

Then it occurred to me: My hands were full with the free gift, two dog leads connected to two unruly foster dogs, the carrier bag, and two bulging still-steaming dog poo bags.

The dog poo bags were the same colour as the carrier bag.
.. do I need to tell you the appalling realisation that leapt into my mind?


Having read that, how are you feeling right now? My guess is a mixture of horror and hilarity. Some things are "Awfully Funny". That is, they're so awful that they're funny.


Here's a tool you can use: the Awfully Funny tool. Here's how:
1. Ask yourself: "Would be funny if it happened to someone else?".
If the answer is No, then don't use this tool.
If the answer is Yes, forge ahead.

2. Decide that the situation is Awfully Funny. You don't have to *do* anything. Just *decide* that it's funny.

3. Laugh. Maybe tell someone else, so you can laugh together.

When you decide something is Awfully Funny, you'll feel entirely differently about it. Part of what's going on:
1. You're reframing it. It's no longer just awful. Now it's Awfully Funny. And it'll probably make a great story.
2. Laughter is a great way to reduce tension. You know how people can have nervous giggles? Well, this is your chance to have horrified belly laughs.


Below are examples (some names changed to protect the guilty) of people who decided something awful was actually something Awfully Funny:


Denise: Denise was on a radio show, describing NLP belief change techniques. Denise used the classic example of something you used to believe with all your heart, but no longer believe. That is, Denise described how many of us used to believe in Father Christmas, but now we all know there is no Father Christmas. ... Denise said this on the radio. ... in mid-December. ... right about the time at which a lot of parents were driving little kids home from school. The radio station cut to a break, and everyone burst into laughter. It was Awfully Funny.

Ali: Poor Ali was ill with food poisoning. He realised he needed to get out of bed and get to the lavatory. In Ali's haste to kick the duvet off his shivering almost-vomiting body, he back-kicked himself in the last place any man wants to get kicked. It was Awfully Funny.

Tom: In a phone call, Tom was telling me lurid, graphic, and extremely personal medical details. He asked me to pause, because there was a knock on his office door. Tom returned to our phone call, sounding shaken. The knock was one of his staff. The staff member told him that Tom's team was in the meeting room, waiting for Tom to chair the meeting. He also told Tom that our phone call was somehow being broadcast into the meeting through the fax machine. Tom's team had heard every word. Tom and I gasped in horror. But it was Awfully Funny, so we turned our horror to laughter.


Ok, people, hit me up: what are some of your favourite Awfully Funny stories?

13/04/2022

People shriek and run away when they see me walking my foster dogs.

For the record: they appear to be frightened of the dogs, not of me.

Also for the record: this posting isn't just about dogs. Dogs are a metaphor for any fear that you suspect is not entirely rational. That fear might be presentations, meeting the in-laws, speaking first in a meeting, receiving feedback - whatever.

What concerns me: parents who keep a child away from dogs, because the child is afraid of dogs. I understand that parents don't want their child to experience fear. But if they keep a frightened child away from dogs, here's what happens:
1) The child's only experience of dogs may be whatever happened that caused the fear.
2) In avoiding dogs, they don't get the opportunity to create positive experiences of dogs.
3) They're left with their fear. And that fear may build over the years, as the person has dozens of experiences of being frightened of dogs, but no positive experiences of dogs.


Adults can be the same. Sometimes we develop an irrational fear of something, so we avoid it.

The good news:
1) Fear can keep us safe. It's useful to fear walking into traffic. That's not an irrational fear.

2) Do you fear something because you had a bad experience with it a couple of times? Then congratulations! You're a very quick learner!

3) You don't have to. But if you want to, you can create new positive experiences, to supersede the scary previous experiences.

NB: I am NOT saying that if someone is afraid of dogs, you should force them into contact with a dog. But instead of going along with the fear, or even indulging the fear, offer a different framing of the situation. Several times, the dogs and I have run into someone who says they're scared of dogs. I'll say, "Oh, but these are NICE dogs. See how they wag their tails? That's because they like you."

What all this has to do with the photograph:
I was walking the dogs. We encountered a trio of young Londoners. All three were frightened of the dogs, and sped away - despite my saying that the dogs are old and gentle.

But as we strolled, the dogs and I kept running into the same three people. And the trio kept being startled and anxious.

From across the street, I caught the eye of the young woman who was the most frightened, and said, "The dogs are old and harmless - they're 13". She paused, and thought aloud: “Seven dog years in a human year. That’s … um… 91!”. The woman was clearly seeing the dogs in a new light. Getting a tight hold on the dogs' leads (leashes, to you Americans!), I asked if she'd like to meet the dogs.

Reader, she did it! Hoo-hah! The woman was still clearly nervous. But she didn't let her fear stop her. She came over, and gingerly began to stroke the dogs. Then her friend came over, and did the same.

Their fear and anxiety morphed into giddy excitement and giggles. They started filming each other with the dogs. I asked if I could take a photo, too.

The woman in the front was the most frightened. But look at her now. Her friend, in the pink shoes, is trying to hide behind her a bit. But she still touched those dogs! As for the third member of the trio? He stayed on the other side of the street. But I'm glad the two women gave themselves the opportunity to move past a fear.

01/04/2022

I think I should win some sort of award for best April Fools' Day prank ever.

Several years ago on April Fools' Day, I convinced someone that:
Neil Young (the musician) was going to stay in my spare room in the basement for two weeks,
with his ex-wife,
and with his current wife's knowledge and blessing.

I kid thee not. And the person I pranked was not an idiot: he was an international business consultant, as well as a musician.

This happy April Fool memory was on my mind this morning, when I replied to a client asking whether I can do something on Influence. Yep, I think I can.

PS: Penn and Teller say "magic is ugly". That is, once you know how it's done, the effect loses its shine. That's why this posting won't include an explanation of how I convinced someone that Neil Young and his ex were staying in my basement for a fortnight. But trust me: I am a freaking genius of April Fool.

30/03/2022

Quick tool for feeling calmer and de-stressing:
Take a full breath in, fairly quickly.
Now breathe out, making sure the out breath lasts longer than your inhalation did.

A few of these will take the edge right off any anxiety.

It's similar to how you'd breathe if you were trying to blow out a set of candles: short deep breath in, long breath out. Except you don't have to purse your lips or make faces.

So make a wish to have less anxiety, then breathe and go!

These kids are trying so hard to blow out those candles, but it doesn't work for some reason. Those candles must be broken or something!Rate, Share & Enjoy T...

17/03/2022

Once I say this, you're probably going to notice it all the time!

"We apologise for any inconvenience". ... ever been told that?
- Maybe it was your pilot, telling you you're going to miss your connecting flight.
- Maybe it was the manager, telling you they double booked so they won't accept your tickets.
- Maybe it was WHATEVER was cancelled or postponed or changed in a way guaranteed to cause problems for everyone on the receiving end.

The key word in all of those so-called apologies: "any".

If an apology uses the word "any", it'll be annoying.
"We lost your luggage: sorry for *any* inconvenience!"
"The venue has changed and now you have a two hour journey: sorry for *any* inconvenience!"

The word "any" suggests that perhaps there was a wee bit of inconvenience. And perhaps there wasn't. And perhaps the person being inconvenienced is being oversensitive. grrr.

If someone knows very well that they're inconveniencing you, talking about "any" inconvenience is disingenuous. It's also a little manipulative. The responsible party is trying to gloss over the fact that those on the receiving end have absolutely been inconvenienced.

Don't be like that. Please.

Here's what you can do instead when you apologise: change just one little word:
Change "any" to "the".

When you change "any" to "the", you're acknowledging that the other person definitely is being inconvenienced. They'll usually appreciate that acknowledgement.
"Your delivery will be late. We're sorry for *the* inconvenience."
"It's not in stock. I'm sorry for *the* inconvenience."
"Our system is down. I'm sorry for *the* inconvenience."

When you need to apologise for inconveniencing people, use "the", not "any".

Here's my question for you: what's a fine or fun example of when a person/ organisation utterly and knowingly messed you over, then apologised for "any" inconvenience?

Here's one of mine: the last train was cancelled, leaving about 50 of us on the platform with no way to get home. The announcement apologised "for any inconvenience". I'd have thought the announcer could have worked out that being stuck in Milton Keynes in the middle of the night is definitely inconvenient. What are your stories of people apologising "for any inconvenience" - hit me up in the comments!

09/03/2022

True story:
Maaaany years ago, I was in charge of a group. There was a man responsible for preparing tea for 15 people by 1000 sharp.

He was late.

He told me it was the kettle boiled too slowly.

Now I knew what the script was supposed to be. I was supposed to point out that we'd been using the same kettle for a long time, and he knew how long it took to boil. I was further supposed to point out that he had done the tea run before, and should know how to plan his time. We'd tussle back and forth, with him denying all responsibility.

But I didn't feel like playing that particular game.

So I went with his excuse. The conversation was something like this:

Guy: The tea is late because the kettle takes too long to boil.

Resli: So it's the kettle's fault, not your fault?

Guy: Right.

Resli: Then let's get this sorted out. You need to give the kettle a good telling off.

Guy: ... hmmm?

Resli: It's the kettle's fault. So tell that kettle that its behaviour is unacceptable! Tell it to get moving! Tell it how 15 people are suffering consequences because it didn't get its act together!

The guy faced the kettle and drew a deep breath, ready to tell it off. He glanced at me. Then he started with a snigger that turned into a laugh.

Sometimes it helps to:
1) Refuse to follow the script. Particularly if you've had the same conversation - or variations on it - in the past.
2) Use humour.

08/03/2022

Empathy rarely begins with the words "At least".

When someone is in distress, sometimes I'm tempted to start a sentence with "At least". As in, "At least you still have an income", "At least she's no longer in pain", "At least you are still young".

What's going on:
It's painful to see someone hurting. I want them to feel better. I want them to feel better for their sake. *And* I want them to feel better so that I don't have to experience the pain of being with someone in distress.

What an "at least" statement can result in:
Think about times when you've been hurting, and someone has said an "At least" statement. How did you feel?
Sometimes the "at least" is a useful reminder.
But often, you end up feeling:
- unheard,
-pressured to be ok,
- tension.

Quick note:
When I charge in with an "at least" statement, it doesn't make me a bad person. After all, if I weren't a kind-hearted person, I wouldn't much care that someone is in distress. But the "at least" statement does mean I might not be supporting the person as much as I could.

What you can do instead of saying "At least":

1) Fixing: Remember that you don't have to fix the other person. It's ok for them to feel bad as they go through rough times. Let them feel how they feel.

2) Relax: Relax physically. Release the natural tension of being with someone in distress. I find that when I keep reminding myself to relax, it makes a huge difference to both me and the other person.

3) Focus: Move your focus. Instead of focusing on how you're feeling, focus on the person in distress.

4) Be: Just be with them. That may mean listening. That may mean just sitting quietly.

Extra credit:
5) Breathing: synchronise your breathing with theirs.

6) Touch: touch may be as overt as an arm around the shoulder, a hug, or holding someone's hand. But you know what I find works really well? Sitting next to someone - literally shoulder to shoulder - so your arms and shoulders are touching.

NB: sometimes an "at least" statement is useful. Sometimes it's ok to try to fix. Sometimes it's ok not to be there for someone. The only thing that's definite and 100%: nothing I say is always true. (Not even the statement "Nothing I say is always true"!)

03/03/2022

Thoughts on the psychology of leadership:

In his inaugural address, Ukranian president Vlodymyr Zelenskyy said, "I do not want my picture in your offices... hang your kids' photos instead, and look at them each time you are making a decision."

HM Queen Elizabeth was married to HRH The Duke of Edinburgh for 73 years. In keeping with COVID rules, the Queen sat alone at his funeral. Her silent and poignant example stirred people's hearts.

Why are these examples of leadership so powerful? Methinks at least three reasons:

1) They are showing you - not just telling you - their values, their moral compass. Zelenskyy uses his family, not ego, as a compass. HM values doing the right thing, even at a cost to herself.

2) They are humanising themselves. Zelenskyy is jumping off the pedestal of the presidency, positioning himself as a loving father. HM is known more for being reserved than for displays of emotion. Yet we know she is grieving terribly.

3) They are being relatable. Zelenskyy places himself not just as a politician, but as a family man. HM abides by the same rules we all were abiding by (with notable exceptions. ahem.)

Whether or not you agree with Zelenskyy's actions or with having a monarchy (and please, let's not get into those here), Zelenskyy and HM are powerful leaders.

I've been called a "guru" by a couple of household name companies. Sometimes people think I'm some sort of wonder woman, and even seem a little awestruck. It's tempting to act in ways that play up to their expectations. Or, more accurately, that play up to my *idea* of what they expect me to be. Zelenskyy and HM The Queen - among others - remind me of the importance of staying true to myself.

But the three things I've identified are just a small piece of what can make Zelenskyy and HM The Queen great leaders. What are your thoughts? What earns them respect? What leads people to be willing to follow them?

01/03/2022

Why do you use "why"?

When we ask someone "why", they often get defensive. But don't take my word for it. Notice for yourself. How do you feel if someone asks:
- Why were you late?
- Why are you doing that?
- Why do you believe that?
.. do you feel a wee tinge of defensiveness?

"Why" is an interrogative word. Some of the other key interrogative words in English are:
Who / whose
What
When
Where
What
Which

Each is used to elicit slightly different information. You already know that "when" helps you work out timing, and "where" is about location. "Why" can elicit reasons. ... or excuses

Broadly speaking, start a question with "why" when you want to hear a load of excuses and defensiveness

What can you do instead? Avoid "Why". Instead, go for one of the other interrogative words.

When you swap "why" for a different interrogative, the questions above can be transformed into:
- "Which factors led to you being late late?"
- "What's your strategy behind doing that?"
- "How did you arrive at that belief?"

Some of my other favourites phrases for asking questions are:
"Tell me about"
and
"Would you like to say"
and
"To what extent"

Notice the difference between:
- "Why are you so quiet?"
versus
"Would you like to say what you're thinking?"

Notice the difference between:
"Why did you change that?"
versus
"Please tell me about your strategy behind making that change".

Notice the difference between:
"Why didn't you complete the task?"
and
"To what extent did you complete the task?"

What are some of YOUR favourite words or phrases for launching into a question that will result in useful information - not just excuses and defensiveness?

(The usual health warning applies: the above isn't true all the time, of course. NOTHING I say is true all the time