24/08/2015
ON HEALING AND GROWTH...
It seems to be that when we incarnate, we have different life themes that come up time and time again. I see our evolution as a kind of spiral. So often I feel I have conquered an area of my life, only to find myself a few months or a year down the line with a strange sense of deja vu and confronted with similar circumstances. And yet, somehow, there has always been some kind of evolution. The next challenge may have the same theme and the same feeling to it, and yet it somehow penetrates to a deeper level. It may dredge up a more deeply buried level of shadow for healing, and often the little cues from the Universe as to what is there become more subtle and refined. I believe that this is a reflection of how we have refined our awareness and consciousness, so we almost re-manifest the lessons to achieve a more refined sense of mastery over them. To me, this is what ascension is all about. Bringing light to our shadow and our shadow into our light so that we are no longer beings of duality, but instead exist as a unified consciousness.
This all sounds quite abstract, so here is a more tangible example of how this healing spiral of evolution works. My life is incredibly busy right now. I maintain a strict schedule so that I can achieve all that I wish to achieve within a day. With two months left until I give birth, there are many areas of my life vying for attention, and to feel like I am achieving all that I desire across all areas (including diet, exercise, education on birthing, education on early parenting, moving house, setting up businesses etc etc) it means I need to be very conscious of how I value and spend my time. Rather than feeling stressed by this though, I am loving the intensity of it. The feeling of packing my day full of experience, of achieving so much, of being both productive and nurturing myself, of preparing my body and psychology for what’s ahead… it feels so deeply satisfying to be so powerfully in flow and radiating my light out to the world through action.
With this intense focus on my work and self-development, I feel less of a desire to meet with people socially or to spend time relaxing. This is the opposite of what I was expecting of pregnancy; I thought I would be super chilled and pretty lazy, and yet here I am living a life more rich and full than I think I ever have done! But the demands of the outside world haven’t lessened and this is where my challenge lies.
This morning, after a weekend of intense work, Tim was living at a different pace to me. He needed more sleep and so slept in, whereas I was up and powering my way through my morning routine. As much as I wanted to stay focused, I felt that I should slow myself down and spend some time with him snuggling and relaxing. But each time I pulled myself out of my zone and cuddled up to him, I felt this churning anxiety in my solar plexus. I wasn’t in the space to slow down and relax. I have so much energy inside me that needs to be expressed, and I wanted to get on with things. And yet I didn’t. I lay there until I felt more and more agitated, quashing out my instinct or inner voice that wanted to get on with stuff and instead overriding it because I felt I ‘should’.
I was about to get up and carry on with things when something bubbled to the surface and I burst into tears. It was like the feelings I’d repressed that were building inside me bubbled over. Now, here is where I was presented with a choice. I had the option of either feeling a bit low and emotional, or starting to play detective with myself and really getting to the bottom of what was causing it. Being a bit of a growth ju**ie, I just about always choose the option of evolution and deepening my self-knowledge.
I realised that I was very resistant to stopping what I had been doing, and I felt agitated and frustrated. But I looked at the situation logically. Nobody was forcing me to slow down and cuddle my boyfriend (haha it sounds so absurd, it’s like there are infinitely worse things that could be happening!!) So what part of me chose to do it even though it felt like the wrong thing to do, and why was it causing such an intense emotional reaction within me?
As I asked myself this question, I let an answer formulate from within. I realised that I would feel a huge sense of guilt if I didn’t stop and give Tim attention. And so, almost like I was on autopilot, I dropped everything to avoid the sense of guilt. Then I peeled it back a level deeper. I realised that I didn’t feel able to say ‘no’. That I wasn’t worth ‘no’; that my needs in the moment somehow came second to Tim’s. The memories of every single time that I had been unable to say no and just given myself away freely because I didn’t value myself came surging to the surface, of course starting with the abuse I experienced as a child.
But even as I felt these revelations, I still found myself crying and like I hadn’t quite got to the bottom of things. Then I finally uncovered the deepest layer. I was scared that if I didn’t drop everything I was doing to nurture Tim, he would abandon me. If I wasn't everything he needed in every moment, whether it was detrimental to me or not, he wouldn’t love me any more. BAM. I had got to the bottom of it. Every time I say no to someone, I am scared they are going to leave me or that they won't love me. As soon as I reached clarity over this, the tears stopped flowing and my energy came back.
What is so amazing about this is that this deep healing of a childhood wound that has had a major impact in my life was activated by such a simple situation. In our relationship, with our knowing and understanding that it is never about each other but that we act as catalysts to dredge up and provoke each other’s shadow to the surface for healing, we were both able to detach from what I was experiencing in the moment and dig deeper to find the true underlying cause.
Life is perfectly designed to give us what we need in every moment for our greatest growth. So, when you next find yourself frustrated, agitated, angry, upset or feeling any emotion that doesn’t feel good, remember that you have a choice. It is a gift. You can either try to block it out, to think positive thoughts or to ignore it all together - or you can start asking yourself questions and try to learn the lesson. Try to find the hidden gem within the mud. Because when you do, you can rest assured that another piece of the puzzle has clicked into place. You have healed and transformed a part of yourself on a deep level, opening up the gateways of abundance and greater flow in your life :)
Love Ananja xx
