I had that sinking feeling again.
I'd been having it often. Too often. It was becoming all too familiar and I didn't like it.
Another dinner time and there I was again, back in my uninspiring kitchen with it's dated decor and faded blue blinds, faced with the daily responsibility of putting together a tasty meal for me and my family. Sigh.
If you were with me back then, you'd have seen me open and close first the fridge, and then the freezer, (with a crying baby in one arm and a hungry toddler hanging off a leg - you know the scene) and then you'd have seen me open and close each door in turn, staring blankly into food cupboards as if inspiration would suddenly jump out, give me a high five and miraculously transform me into the next Masterchef champion whipping up some mouthwatering masterpiece from the mystery box that was the remainder of my weekly shop!
I was tired. So tired. My 2 children were both under 2 and I was feeling completely overwhelmed.
Not only that, I felt pressure to satisfy everyone's needs with this one magical meal that I'd eventually conjure up from the depths of my imagination! Oh, and of course it had to be healthy and nutritionally balanced so that when I eventually collapsed into bed hours later I could sleep safe in the knowledge that my family was well nourished and healthy!
One particularly bad day I recall we ended up eating jam sandwiches, sitting on the floor, surrounded by all the things I'd swept off the sofa in my stressed out state, while tears streamed down my face. I felt like a complete failure. I felt so many negative emotions... angry, guilty and above all, sad.
How had this happened?
Well, come back in time with me to a few years before.
Back then, I was happily married, with a beautiful daughter, and a part-time job as a Specialist Community Dietitian. I thought nothing of creating complex feeding plans for patients during the day and designing a 14 day meal plan for a weaning child and a husband on a special diet by night!
Life was rosy!
But then something happened that changed all that and left me unable to even put together a simple meal for my growing family.
Post natal depression.
Unfortunately for me and my family, we had plunged into a dark and desperate world. It arrived, like a black cloud, about 4 months after my second daughter was born.
The combination of me recovering from a life threatening illness during my pregnancy, a baby with colic and a 18 month old toddler had eventually taken its toll and I had a complete breakdown.
Suddenly, or so it seemed, I found myself unable to function on almost any level and would periodically hide myself in wardrobes and fantasise about running away from it all, or leaving the baby at the doctors or the health visitors clinic.
Hell. On. Earth.
If you’ve been there, you’ll understand.
I shouted. A lot. I cried. A lot. I was anxious. A lot. And the guilt... I was a long long way from being the mum I wanted to be and I had no idea what to do about it.
To cut a long story short, I eventually reached complete rock bottom and asked for help. At the time I felt like a big fat failure, but I later came to realise that was actually a very strong and brave thing to do.
My biggest blessing as a result of that cry for help came in the form of the charity Home Start who gave me a wonderful volunteer who would come over once a week and support me in whatever I wanted or needed to do.
She would entertain the children while I slept, or washed or changed out of the clothes that I’d been wearing day and night for days on end. Sometimes we would go out for a walk, sometimes we’d just talk, but always she would get me to think about the future and how different I would like that future to be… she helped me to focus on the solutions rather than the problems.
Ironically, considering my profession, one of my biggest challenges was feeding my family, and so together we worked on putting some very simple strategies in place, using my nutritional knowledge but within the constraints of the reality of life as a busy mum on the edge.
Now, years later I still use these simple strategies at home.
I love to eat well and I love to share my nutritional knowledge with others, but I’m even more passionate about keeping it all super simple and stress-free.
My culinary creations won't be winning any cookery competitions, but that’s not what I'm after. It's the little wins that make our lives as mums easier after all, don't you think?
My journey of recovery from post natal depression has also led me to learn some fantastic skills which have enabled me to let go of the negative emotions I experienced so often back then... anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety to name a few... and I'm now pleased to say that I'm really enjoying motherhood again and my children are really appreciating having a happy mummy!
I'm a great believer that things happen for a reason and in using personal experience to help others. So in sharing my story, and sharing what worked for me in my recovery, my mission is to bring hope to anyone else who needs it. It is possible to recover and to rediscover a happy healthy you!
If you want to learn more about nutrition and the link between food and health, alongside recipe inspiration and meal planning support so you can confidently feed yourself and your family well, you’re in the right space!
And if you need emotional support, I can help you with that too.
Contact me today to find out more about how I can help you. Today is the day! You can begin to feel better now.
Love from Liz xx
