15/10/2025
"My breast cancer truth is this – breast cancer is a lonely place."
Lonely. In a room full of people - alone. In a world of pink ribbons and races, of sky-dives and coffee mornings, isolated. Yes, there are people around me, supporting me, helping me, but breast cancer is a lonely place.
The people in my world can’t understand the effects breast cancer has had on me. The emotional and physical scars are hidden from sight, but they loom large in my head. The pain and the fear are constant companions, sometimes sitting quietly by my side, sometimes shouting loudly in my ear. The loss of my womanhood hurts more than any surgery, but it’s never talked about. Should I be grateful to be still alive? Yes, I’m sure I should. But nobody warned me that the “new me” would be so far removed from the me I was BBC (before breast cancer).
Nobody said that my confidence would take such a huge hit, that I would cry when I look in the mirror, that I would mourn the body I’ve lost, that my hair would never be the same as it was BBC, or that my eye-lashes would never be as long or as thick, that even after three surgeries my b***s would still be uneven, misshapen and numb. The list is so long that it’s easier to bury the effects and just keep pretending that everything is OK. The ongoing effects of hormone therapy, the hot flushes, the mood swings, the weight gain, the brittle nails, the aching bones, the muscle cramps, the insomnia. Small things, but so many of them that they seem enormous.
And alongside all of this - that fear: I’m NED (no evidence of disease) now, but will that last?
Everyone around me thinks it’s over, but it’s not. It will never be over. There will always be that niggling fear. A fear I carry alone, along with the aches and the pains.
I am alive, I count my blessings every day despite all of this. I have survived almost 7 years since I heard those fateful words and I hope to have many more. I have had some wonderful times and met some wonderful people because of my cancer. I have made friendships that are more meaningful than any I made BBC. I have laughed with friends at our bald heads and shared giggles as we all tried to avoid that one nurse who couldn’t get a cannula in. I have shared highs and lows with family and friends. I have found peace in the countryside. I've learned to say no to people who make demands on my time and to say yes to things I really want to do. But my breast cancer truth is this – breast cancer is a lonely place.
Breast Cancer is a Lonely Place ~ Jan
