Liz Vigar Counselling

07/01/2026

“Mirror mirror on the wall”

Narcissus, a figure in Greek myth, was a stunningly beautiful youth who rejected all admirers, including the nymph Echo, leading the goddess Nemesis to punish him by making him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool. Unable to possess the image, he wasted away or took his own life, and where he died, a flower bearing his name (the daffodil) grew. The myth gave rise to the psychological term narcissism, meaning excessive self-admiration and self-centredness.

Of course unhealthy narcissism is not a sign of healthy self-love but rather a manifestation of a deep self loathing and extremely poor sense of self-worth. But I am not talking here about full blown narcissistic personality disorder, but of the narcissistic wound which many of us may be able to identify with.

The psychoanalyst ‘Heinz Kohut came up with the theory on what he calls the ‘tripolar self’ and one of the elements to this is the need to be mirrored. Kohut said children need to be shown by one or both parents/carers that they are special, wonderful and welcome and that it is a pleasure to have them around. They learn how their parents value them through subtle cues; gesture, expression, tone of voice etc. The child looks to the parent for the answer to the question ‘mirror mirror’ and if, at least a reasonable percentage of the time the message is: “you are”, then the grandiose-exhibitionist need is met. If parents are too disturbed or preoccupied and the child never gets enough of these early positive messages, the grandiose-exhibitionist needs are traumatically frustrated. They are then repressed because it’s too painful to be in touch with them when the child has no hope they will ever be gratified.

So what does this look like then in adulthood? I think the scale can vary wildly depending on the deficit and what has happened for us. Sometimes we can put ourselves down in the hope that someone will contradict and compliment us. Or we put on a sort of ‘false self’ that is overly confident, loud - boastful even. Sometimes, as kohut suggests, feelings of insecurity and worthlessness can be interrupted by surges of maladaptive boasting. This is the powerful need for mirroring bursting momentarily through the barrier of repression to strive for gratification.

However it might manifest, what we are doing is trying to cover a deep sense of shame and low self-worth and to strive for any kind of positive affirmation from others, in an attempt to prop up our own fragile mirror.

I think perfectionism in its more extreme forms, can also be a way to cover up our imperfections and weaknesses, perhaps even convincing ourselves just as much as everyone else that we are more than good enough and we don't have weaknesses. Maybe we try to surround ourselves with perfect people as, if we come into close relationship with others, the ‘messiness’ of just being a human being and their imperfections may point to some of our own flaws we don’t want to be reminded of so we keep a distance. If we look good and ‘shiny’ to everyone around us then we might just convince ourselves that we really are that good! Or will we?

When I was in counselling training, we had to present the theory of different needs in childhood and I got mirroring. We decided to act out the different parts of how this may look and the comment at the end of the feedback I got for my caricature of a lack of mirroring said, ‘and I think you enjoyed it’. This made me smile because I think if we are honest we could all identify, at least on some level, with the need to be special, adored, noticed and admired. We could probably all think of ways in which we may have tried to cover or make up for deficits in our own selves that we would rather nobody see.

If we have been adequately mirrored we would have a healthy self-love and of our own worth. There would be more balance as we would accept that we are not perfect but could be confident that, despite our imperfections we are valuable, desired, wanted and loved. To heal from a deep narcissistic wound takes, time, patience and courage. Courage to look at ourselves - our experiences and reactions to others. Probably most important of all though is the encouragement, gentle honesty and love of close friends/family. This can help us to begin to be able to hold up our own mirror that says ‘yes, there may be things you would like to change and improve, you are a work in progress but you are ok - more than that - you are of great worth.

23/12/2025

Lift up your head

Do you find Christmas difficult? It can be so hard to join in with all the festive excitement and joy when our circumstances seem to dictate otherwise.

We can feel sad for all sorts of reasons. We might be struggling with loss which can be painful and profound - Christmas can be a poignant reminder that someone we loved deeply is no longer with us to share in what should be a joyful time.

Or maybe you have a very tough family situation that is difficult to bear. Maybe you just want to get it over and done with.

There could be many other reasons, loneliness, financial burden, illness - to name a few. It's ok if you can't quite get on board with all of the hype and celebration.

I was walking the other day with my dog, not feeling all too great myself. As I walked into the woods the first thing I noticed was the amount of birdsong. It was really quite striking and the whole woods seemed alive. I began to lift my head to look around - noticing the golden sunlight streaking through the trees. I breathed deeply just taking it all in. As I walked I continued to enjoy just being in the moment, even if for a short while and felt grateful to be able to walk in such a beautiful place.

When it feels so difficult to find something good in our situations and we can feel so low, it is hard to lift up our heads. But I would ask, what else is there to do?

I sometimes cringe at the concept of 'gratitude journalling' as it feels quite trite... Like 'whistling in the dark' - making a mockery of the deep and sometimes distressing struggles of life.

But if we can find one thing that would cause a little spark, that would enable us to just lift our head for even a moment it is worth it and we remember that there is also beauty in life that is awesome to behold - even if it is sometimes extremely hard to find!

Whatever it is that would lift your spirits today - a walk in nature, coffee with a friend, a favourite film, perhaps you too can find something, however small, to cut through the dismality and help you to lift up your head.

17/10/2025

“Ain't that what you want them to know?
all they get of you is what they get out of the show
The rest is mine, I guess the beauty and the mess
To hide” (Nickel Creek)

I woke up suddenly, heart pounding, a sense of panic spreading over me. I had been dreaming about my teeth. Not the kind of dream that you would think might normally perpetuate such a sense of fear, but for me it did. I could feel my teeth behind my lips and there was something wrong. They felt sharp, jagged and uncomfortable. As I ran my tongue over them, I realised that they had actually started to unravel… like springs uncoiling. I was doing everything I could to keep my mouth closed. I didn’t want anyone to see. They felt so uncomfortable and it was really tiring and distressing to keep trying to hide them. I remember meeting different people and keeping my mouth closed, not speaking for fear that they would see how ugly and hideous my teeth looked.

Life sometimes feels as though it is one big show. You play your part, you behave to each person in your life in a way that you think would appeal to them - the aspects of yourself that would feel most appropriate in each situation. It’s not that you aren’t being authentic exactly, but you carefully select what parts of yourself you will show, how you might present yourself. So much of what you are is hidden and most of the time, only the ‘acceptable’ parts are on display.

Of course in many contexts it is not always appropriate to be your ‘full self’. It’s not as though you would necessarily share with everyone your deepest darkest thoughts - it is normal to be selective as to whom you might let see those deeper more vulnerable parts of yourself.

So why do we sometimes hide parts of ourselves? Perhaps for fear that people will see and judge? Maybe we feel they are ugly and something to be ashamed of?

I think that shame is such a powerful emotion and can often prevent us from being our true authentic selves. We might fear criticism or rejection from others. Sometimes we can be harsh and critical towards ourselves and our imperfections are difficult for us to tolerate, let alone contemplating someone else’s acceptance of us. When we have acted defensively because of things that have happened to us, we can feel guilty and ashamed when really what we were doing was attempting to survive in the best way we knew how. I think that if we have experienced trauma, especially in our early lives, our sense of shame can be even more acute and difficult to overcome, since we may blame ourselves and this only serves to compound an already low sense of self worth.

Through increasing self compassion and deep understanding of ourselves, we can begin to re-frame our woundedness and come into a deeper sense of healing and self acceptance. As we have an increasing understanding and compassion for ourselves, it matters less what others’ think of us - indeed it only serves to increase our empathy and compassion for others' difficulties and woundedness. I’ve always loved the quote from Henri Nouwen on the subject of the wounded healer:

“Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not, ‘How can we hide our wounds?’ so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but ‘How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?’ When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.” Henri Nouwen

I believe that with a decreasing sense of shame and deep understanding comes an increasing sense of healing and wholeness and increased liberation to live more authentically.

21/09/2025

“Tell me what you fear and I will tell you what has happened to you.”
― Donald Woods Winnicott

Sounds ominous doesn't it? This is not about somehow predicting the future but, rather, interpreting the past. I often come back to this quote in my work - not just with clients but in my own personal journey. It is based on the theory that unresolved hurts, fears, traumas from our past, interfere with how we see the world now and others in it - sometimes triggering reactions reflecting the original traumatic experience.

Take, for example, fear of abandonment. This can manifest in various different ways. Perhaps you feel a constant need for reassurance or control - maybe you are hypervigilant to others’ reactions and emotions - always looking out for something to suggest there is an imminent threat of abandonment or rejection. Do you neglect your own needs for the preference of others - fearing conflict? Maybe you push people away in order to preempt being hurt. These are just some of the ways that fear of abandonment can surface but there are many more.

Through utilising these defences, you somehow, subconsciously think that you are avoiding future hurt and pain but, in reality, the hurt, pain and even terror, can be located in the past. Sometimes we develop unhealthy attachment patterns stemming from some of our most earliest life experiences. This doesn’t just have to mean abandonment in its entirety, but can also mean emotional absence or neglect. If someone for whom you were relying upon to keep you safe was emotionally preoccupied and too caught up with their own predicament and emotional distress, this can create anxiety and fear, having a profound impact later in life.

Abandonment is just one example but there are many different manifestations of trauma which are dependent on individual experiences.

The good news is that these patterns, although deep rooted, do not have to control our present and future. With time, self awareness and appropriate support, it is possible for these experiences to no longer define us but rather be just part of our experience. This all takes time, patience and a willingness to be both curious and courageous - trusting in the potential for deep healing and increasing contentment in the present.

29/08/2025

It's the relationship that is key

Attachment theory suggests that early interactions with caregivers can dramatically affect your beliefs about yourself, your expectations of others, and how you cope with stress and regulate your emotions as an adult

26/08/2025

Sunrise in Amble

This morning, while on holiday in my favourite place in the world, I woke early - very early. My mind restless and unable to get back to sleep, I decided I may as well get up and see if I could see the sunrise. The light here is beautiful and I don’t think I will ever get tired of looking at the sunsets and sunrises and this morning's sunrise was no exception. As I walked down to the sea, the sky slowly lightened to soft pinks and brilliant oranges behind the silhouette of the harbour casting a beautiful golden glow over the sea.

Carl Rogers described people to be as ‘wonderful as sunsets’. I think people are both beautiful and messy. Marred and wounded by life’s experiences, messy and uncontainable but nevertheless beautiful. To me it is symbolic of the beauty, depth and complexity of human nature. People can’t be contained, categorised or put into boxes. We are who we are in all of our expressions - strengths, weaknesses, sorrows, joys and everything in between. Beautiful as the sunrise.