Jen Nicholson Counselling

22/11/2025

So many families are told that strict parenting is the only way to raise a respectful, resilient child…
But neuroscience paints a very different picture.

When a child is met with harsh consequences, shouting, or power-over discipline, their brain goes into protection mode — not learning mode. What looks like 'good behaviour' is often fear, shutdown, or masking… and the long-term cost to emotional wellbeing is huge.

If you’ve ever wondered why strict approaches seem to 'work' in the moment but fall apart over time, this visual breaks down exactly what’s happening inside a child’s developing nervous system — and why connection-based parenting builds stronger behaviour for the future.

What are your thoughts on strict vs connected approaches?

I’d love to hear your experiences below — especially what helped your child feel safer, calmer, and more understood.

22/11/2025

Have you ever noticed how your child can go from calm to explosive in seconds? Dan Siegel’s Upstairs / Downstairs Brain is a simple way to understand why.

The 'downstairs brain' is in charge of big emotions, survival instincts and staying safe. It reacts quickly – think fight, flight, freeze.

The 'upstairs brain' is where problem-solving, empathy, and reasoning live. It helps children make good choices, manage feelings, and connect with others.

But here’s the catch: children’s upstairs brains are still under construction. That means when emotions overwhelm, their downstairs brain often takes over.

This isn’t 'bad behaviour' – it’s biology. When we see it this way, we can respond with compassion, co-regulation, and strategies that help a young person move from downstairs to upstairs.
Resources to support educating a child around this model are available in our Resource Store.
EMOTIONS and MY BRAIN
This extensive resource pack based on Dan Siegel’s Upstairs and Downstairs Brain
helps and educates children and young people on the concept of the upstairs and downstairs brain can help them recognise how their own brain functions and develop strategies for self-regulation and emotional intelligence.
The pack comprises explainers, emotions scale resources, practical activities including upstairs and downstairs brain choices (behaviours), stress response, amygdala hijack, explainers for both adults and young people and activities to consolidate learning around parts of the brain and functions. Also includes 5 skin tone range of emotions.

Varying resources to suit ages 6-16yrs. Now also available as an 8 week intervention.
Electronic download available at link in comments or via our Linktree Shop in Bio.

FOLLOW for more posts in our series, When Worries Take Over.

14/10/2025

05/10/2025

Ever wonder why children need calm, loving support to manage big emotions?

It’s because the part of their brain that handles emotional control — the prefrontal cortex — is still under construction.

This area, responsible for impulse control, planning and emotional regulation, goes through a huge period of growth between the ages of 7 and 12, and doesn’t fully mature until the mid-20s (or even later).

So when a child explodes, acts impulsively, or struggles to calm down… it’s not because they won’t — it’s because they can’t yet.

Every moment of co-regulation, empathy and guidance helps wire their brain for lifelong emotional resilience.

What helps you stay calm when your child is struggling?

IN THE RESOURCE STORE - instant electronic download with secure global checkout.

EMOTIONS and MY BRAIN

This extensive resource pack based on Dan Siegel’s Upstairs and Downstairs Brain
helps and educates children and young people on the concept of the upstairs and downstairs brain can help them recognise how their own brain functions and develop strategies for self-regulation and emotional intelligence.
The pack comprises explainers, emotions scale resources, practical activities including upstairs and downstairs brain choices (behaviours), stress response, amygdala hijack, explainers for both adults and young people and activities to consolidate learning around parts of the brain and functions. Also includes 5 skin tone range of emotions.

Varying resources to suit ages 6-16yrs. Now also available as an 8 week intervention.

Electronic download available at
link in comments.

05/10/2025

02/10/2025

Reminder: Give yourself unconditional compassion!

01/10/2025

I often work with parents who have followed advice to be very positive with their children. They give them lots of praise, they have reward systems and they ‘catch them in good behaviour’. Their children are surrounded in positive reinforcement, with a ‘well done!’ each time they do a somersault or draw a picture.

And then it backfires. They had thought that rewards would make their child more likely to do things, but in fact it works the opposite way. They offer a sticker or a reward and the child refuses to budge. The more positive they are, the less cooperative their child becomes. One family told me about their son who had loved painting – until he won a prize. From that day onwards, he stopped painting.

What’s going on? For some children, positivity can feel like pressure. They respond to pressure with avoidance, and so the more positivity there is, the more they need to avoid. The harder their parents try, the more entrenched the avoidance gets. The answer is to step back and resist the urge to praise. Don’t make a big deal out of their achievements. It feels strange, but sometimes being a bit more offhand gives them the space they need to do the things they want to do.

This is the Pressure Paradox, and it’s one of the three keys to understanding your demand avoidant child. If you don’t understand it, then the harder you try, the worse things get. You put so much effort in and yet everything seems to be stuck.

Come to my webinar next week to hear more about the psychology of demand avoidance. It’s about so much more than demands. There is a recording option.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/understanding-and-helping-your-demand-avoidant-child-tickets-1472494212829?aff=fb6

21/08/2025