24/01/2026
JANUARY CAN BE A DIFFICULT MONTH
This is a very long post so please feel free to scroll past, but for anyone who may be struggling right now, this is for you.
***TRIGGER WARNING***
I am writing this in the hope that it helps those that may be struggling right now. That are finding January hard. That may be finding life in general nearly impossible. I know I have been.
I am writing this to give hope.
These photos were all taken in a January. My very first Red January. I put my all in that year. Probably too much if I am completely honest. Because when I focused on RED I couldnt focus so much on what was actually going on.
In these photos I am actually very seriously ill. You cant see it though. Because it is my mental health. I am rock bottom here. I spent so much of my days planning how to end my life. I was obsessed with it. The negative thoughts were ruling my life. I was a mess. I was a terrible Mam, a terrible work colleague, a terrible friend. I saw no way out.
I planned it for months. Right down to the very last detail. I knew exactly how it would play out and even better, no one would EVER know what I had done. Because they didnt need the guilt and pain of wondering how they never realised or blaming themselves. When truly, it was all me.
March 2017. The day came. I felt lighter. This was it!! I could finally make things right, finally make people happy.
Yet, it failed! It didnt end!
At first as I was furious. I couldnt even get that right!! I was a disgrace.
But then I broke down. On my amazing best friend. My walls started to crumble and finally I felt an actual release. The words came out loud and they terrified me. Oh my god, what had I actually done?!
From then, talking helped. Antidepressants helped. But finding me ME helped.
It has taken a long long time and a very tough fight, to get to where I am now. Am I "recovered"?
No.
I never will be. I believe I will always have periods of darkness. Though less frequently.
But I will fight! And I will succeed! And I will NEVER let Depression think I am not worthy of the air I breathe.
I will dedicate the rest of my life to helping others realise their worth. Because everyone deserves to be here. Everyone deserves to have someone believe in them.
If you, or someone you know is struggling, please please reach out. It is hard. It is scary but I PROMISE, you ARE worth it.