Clear Focus Coaching

04/04/2023

05/07/2019

06/11/2018

How do you feel
What do you think
What do you want?

Easy question but when did you last asked yourself that?

29/06/2018

02/09/2017

"Kitty...Kitty...Kitty..."

As I am standing in the kitchen, I could hear him outside calling "Kitty...Kitty...Kitty!" If you get the chance to roam around my neighborhood in Jerusalem you will hear my husband calling the local cats to feed them the left over fish or chicken that I have from Shabbas.

Since I got married to my dear husband 33 years ago, I was introduce to cats. FYI, for a girl from Yerushalayim, cats were of extreme disgust. Why? As far as we knew, cats we only found in the trash bins digging for scraps of food. Some say that cats arrived to Israel through the British who had their mandate over Israel in the early 1920s and some say that they are a Gilgul Transmigration of souls from the times of our exile from Egypt.

But all in all, the conflict of interest was from the beginning of the marriage between my husband and me... to love the cats or not - to have them in our home or not- to adopt them or not - to feed them or not?! My fight to get my way was endless. I simply did not want them in our bed or in our bedroom or in the house or outside. My husband was fighting for his principles too. Who won? Nobody!

Rabbi Nachman said, "Every one has a place in their soul that we need to see it and cherish it. There, LOVE EXISTS!"

Love departs when there are conflicts of interest - the conflict between loving him as he is or needing to change him to suit my needs.
Conflict between my ego and what is.
Me needing to control (which is an illusion) or letting go.

For years this battle was going on. Sometimes, I will comply and at other times so did my husband. Until I realized one day that instead of thinking that I need to be in control, I am going to let go and see the side of my husband that I did not appreciate...the side of the him that I noticed but yet I chose to look at it as a handicap rather than an attribute. After all, I fell in love with his kind heart and his generosity but only when it serves me. Whatever was conflicting with my early limiting beliefs and ego was not welcomed.

In Rabbi Nachman in Torah 34, he asks us to "Cherish the Good point in our friends." I opted to ignore the good points in my husband until I finally realized that it did not serve me. I realized that I was not open to new ideas, to new experiences. This attitude brought us to dissension and separation. I would make him wash his hands and brush his clothes every time he pet the cats or have them on his lap. I was also very resentful at the attention he would give them every time we would go downstairs and when we returned home - he would always call them (not me) when he chanted, "kitty, kitty, kitty."

I was resisting to receive and let him influence me to find within me the abilities to be merciful, kind, soft and not stuck with old beliefs and behaviors.

All this time, my husband - my partner in life was coming to awaken and bring more light to a dormant attribute that I wasn't aware of and needed to cultivate. I finally realized that my light was short circuited rather then revealed.

I came to realize that love is not always about the things that my partner can give me. Rather love is an opportunity to share what I can give back to my husband - to let go of the audacity to mold him to have the same set of rules and beliefs as mine. When I let go and see beyond the differences, I could love and appreciate him more. I now see that those kind attributes are needed inside of me to become softer, more accepting, giving and loving without conditions.

Don't get too excited. I didn't adopt any cats nor did I move them into the house, however, any leftover food I have, I set aside to give "our cats" outside.
And before I let myself resist, I ask where is it that I can bend, be softer and be more accepting. It is not about the cat's - it is about me.

Life brings us many teachers to help us find and reveal a side of ourselves - even if it is through the stray cats in Jerusalem.

Now, please excuse me as I go outside and call out...
"Kitty...Kitty...Kitty..."

-

14/08/2017

"Cheka Nachriye".... "Why aren't you eating" I said to my mother - and then realized with surprise and dismay that I was speaking Persian to my mother!!
Ever since I was a little girl my parents prided themselves for speaking to us ONLY Hebrew. They had a conviction to speak the Zionist language. As they were brought to Israel through the first Youth Aliya and grew up on the lap of Zionism.
Any signs of Old County actions were not welcomed. One of the rules was no Persian speaking at all unless they wanted to tell each other some secrets for us not to understand what they were talking about.
I remember in the Radio there was a program name "Rega Shell Ivrit". A moment to learn Ivrit, Hebrew. This program would announce new Hebrew words that were to inculcate to the language as new items were introduce to the daily living
like "Television" or "Computer" and more. Mom and Dad would make a point to use it any opportunity they had. My parents were not high educated graduates however they took anything about Israel the land the language very seriously.

When I found myself speaking Persian to my mom yesterday while I was feeding her I was astounded. - after all my parents did not encourage it much less spoke it to me. But I guess the dust of the language sent some seeds into my psyche that later on in life it just came up.
Mom now is not so cognitively clear however she is using a lot more Persian then she used to. I wish I could freeze those few times she speaks that I could practice more. I pray to G-d to give me one more chance.

11/05/2017

11/08/2016

Time to Take Time Out!

Do you remember when you were a child and you did not exactly behave mom put you in Time Out? Thinking that by putting us outside of the group of friends and activities was a punishment to learn that by being a lone is not such a good thing. Well, since then we carried that attitude to our adult life thinking that being a lone and taking time out from friends and activities with others is a punishment. Thought of inadequacy and there must be something wrong with me are the running theme in our head

A desire to be with others could lead to frustration, especially if you find yourself spending most of your time alone.
Rather than feeling as if your day isn't turning out the way that you would like it to be, consider spending time by yourself doing with activities that you enjoy.
Like working out, write in your journal, or meditate. You may also may consider rest and enjoy your own company. As if you drink from your personal well, Doing that you may discover that opportunities to be social begin to reveal themselves. You will have more to bring to your social arenas when you have spent time paying attention to yourself.

Our relationship with ourselves is as important as any other relationship in our lives. It is easy to think that since we take ourselves wherever we go, we don't have to schedule time with ourselves. The truth is that time spent in the company of others is attention we pay to our other relationships, and if we don't make time for ourselves then we deprive ourselves of our own company.
It is during these moments that we stop hearing what we are saying, and we slowly begin to lose our center. Our other relationships also begin to suffer because if we can't be present to ourselves, chances are that we won't be present to others. Enjoy your own company and you will find that others will want to keep company with you too.

As you do so please post what were the activities that you enjoy to do with yourself and what did you find out when you made that choice.

As always I would love to hear back from you.

Let's get reacquainted.

Hagit

30/07/2016

LETTING GO
OF THE
PERFECT COUPLE ON
THE WEDDING CAKE.


Hi Everyone,

Many years ago I was a big fan of the famous Hollywood couple Burt Reynolds and Lonny Anderson. Yes I know as I am sure none of you would remember or know what I am talking about but back then I was not frum.
To me they were the epitome of the perfect couple. They were both attractive and very successful in their acting. She was the perfect wife, socialite and mother to two beautiful kids and every time they showed up in public they looked so happy.

Until that dreadful day came when "People Magazine" publicized that their marriage is on the "Rocks" From there on there was no stopping to it everyone was so surprise nobody could take the truth, not the fans, not them and not me. How could it be? Every one were looking up to them with such envy. Everyone wanted to have what they had....

I remember the Johnny Carson Show when Burt was interviewed and He Said to all the viewers " I got Tiered of being the Couple on top of the Wedding Cake"...I. He was saying that he actually was not happy to live for other people expectation and pretending that everything was OK. He felt relief to let go of his mask and say that he was battling Alcoholism and Lonny was a drug addict the home was in shambles the kids are hurting, too. And to pretend that nothing was wrong was painful.

I was young then and I had a hard time understanding it. But the candid truth that I heard from him was admirable. I kept that image and the slogan for a long time in my head. This memory gave me a certain measuring tape to my marriage. When I started the 12 step program and the first sentence was "SAYING WE ARE POWERLESS OVER OUR DISEASE OUT LOUD TO THE GROUP STARTS US ON THE ROAD TO TRUETH.

Then I learned that what you see its not what really IS. Burt did the courages thing he finally took of his mask and admitted that he is NOT perfect and neither his Marriage. The admission brought him freedom and the authentic man he always wanted to be. He took his first step by Admitting.

How many of us are willing to keep on with the mask and live a life of lies thinking that we are all powerful and able to change and control the our situation without seeking a marriage coach or counselor?! for the sake of "G-d forbid" if the neighbors will know or if the family will know. And yet we are feeling miserable inside. No, I do not profess to go now and let every one know your dirty laundry, But can you tell it first to yourself and admit that there is a problem and it needs to be resolved?

Take the first step Admit and ask for help.

Hagit A.K Miriam GYE