09/06/2024
SELF VALIDATION
I will recount two of my own experiences here to begin with.
Before becoming an eye surgeon, as a Bachelor's in Medicine and surgery, I worked in two hospitals consecutively, after my internship. Let us call them Hospital 1 and Hospital 2.
When I first entered Hospital 1, it had an inexplicable welcoming vibe for me. As I sat in the lobby in front of the OPD, I watched the ward boys carrying trays of teapots and biscuits to every OPD. When I went in for the interview I was handed over the appointment of a Gyenac resident before I could gather what had just happened. I was overjoyed.
When I joined, there were well furnished resident rooms with old teak furniture and sumptuous breakfast laid for us in front of the pantry. All the meals were free for all the working staff, and in the days of landlines with pagers just making their fresh appearance, all the calls which the residents would make to their homes were also free.
Hospital 1 had helpful nursing staff and often senior nurses would teach us some insightful lessons around the hospitals as junior residents. They would appreciate our new abilities and developing skills and would applaud our feats as we grew into skilled and confident doctors.
Our senior Doctors were uncomplicated, and( I will teach you if you make yourself available when I need a resident) matured persons.
Sounds too good to be true, right? But it is true and is a personal experience.
Now comes the turn of Hospital 2. Everything here was the reverse of hospital 1. Senior doctors had no time to teach. Every phone call and all the meals were charged. Our rooms were 10/10 burrows with a bed. There was tough competition between residents to get a senior position or post, and nurses were never friendly and often very thin-skinned and combative, if you ever instructed them to do something properly.
Sounds false again, right? But it's true again as it is a personal experience.
Was I as flawless as I was treated with a lot of care at Hospital 1 Or as sloppy and negligent and inadequate as I was made to feel at Hospital 2?
What are we? Our surroundings are often chaotic. They may not be as clearly definable as Hospital 1 and Hospital 2 and maybe some kind of a weird mixture where we get mixed feedback about ourselves. Then how do we assess ourselves?
This is when self- validation comes into picture.
Self - validation is defined as being aware and accepting of our own thoughts and feelings or our internal experience. Self-validation helps us
1.Being aware of our emotions about certain events. These emotions could be positive or negative but we need to be aware of them.
2.Knowing our needs, wants and priorities.
3.Developing self compassion. Often we are hard on ourselves but when we realize we can be as compassionate with ourselves as we can with others we learn to do it.
4.Encouraging ourselves to do a certain task when we become aware of our fear
5.Inspiring ourselves when we know or are reminded of the times when we used our skills, values and qualities to succeed. This also increases our self esteem.
6.Knowing where we stand and developing a focus of where we are going.
I will give you a third example. When I started writing poetry in my mid thirties, everyone praised me, at least on my face. But was I as good as the praise I was getting?
When I met other poets, read famous works, or read works of other better poets, I got a near to real assessment of where I stood. It came out of awareness. I knew the value of what I was, and where I needed to go. This happens only with the help of a habit of self-validation. Today, I have unabashed favoritism of some of my own poems which mostly lie unappreciated. It happens with self esteem and more and more accurate awareness of where one stands.
Lack of the habit of self-validation leads to a shaky self esteem and over sensitivity to criticism.
Trisha is a working mother and fanatic kitchen cleaner. She keeps her kitchen s**k and span. One fine day, a tiny cockroach crawls out in full view of everyone in the family watching. Trisha's husband Mohit says, “It's because of your habit of spilling leftovers all over the place!”
Trisha is enraged. Now let us take a look at two Trishas. One Trisha is unaware and has no self validation habit in place. Her husband's criticism stings Trisha, and she broods over the incident for days. Now every other criticism stings her and her self -esteem drops really low.
The other Trisha is self aware and can validate her feelings. I feel hurt by Mohit's comment, but I know that I keep the kitchen clean. Maybe Mohit is not aware of it, Or he was in a bad mood, or Mohit has a habit of criticism and that doesn't mean I compromise on cleanliness. Criticism stings this Trisha far less and her self esteem remains intact.
Most people who cannot self validate have developed this habit as kids, because their parents or caregivers have never validated their thoughts and feelings. Their feelings and emotions were disregarded. They were told not to be cry babies or their attempts at self expression were snubbed making them feel that their feelings are wrong. In the process they learnt to supress how they felt within. But the habit of self validation can be developed anytime and is valuable at every step of life.
Self validation has mindfulness as the major activity. Being mindful of the present moment; what's going on within your mind, or what are you feeling in your body, makes you aware of your internal state.
In summary, you are your best judge, because we live in an uncertain and a very dynamic world, where self care and compassion are indispensable.
©Maitreyee joshi
