Maitra- Emotional Distress Helpline

26/06/2020

Some fond memories from 20 years celebrations 2018 😊
Happy to share with you all.
Feeling excited, grateful and connected.

Maitra Helpline is the Emotional First Aid initiative of IPH, running strong and steady since 1998. Calls of distressed persons are attended to by specially ...

26/06/2020

Maitra is now 22, and going strong.

That's a long way to go for a helpline for resolving Emotional Distress... Especially when run by volunteers (trained and supervised by professions at Institute for Psychological Health : IPH) .
Is that bad news ir good news?

Well we think it's good because it indicates that the stigma and shame about taking help in mental health issues is reducing. More and more people are considering Mental health as vital as Physical health. Above all, the immediate access to an empathic listener reduces the distress and often the person can resolve the problems with little bit of help.

Isn't that a wonderful thing, rather than to withdraw and close the door to life?!

16/05/2020

Excellent video in Marathi by Prayas Health Group, on finally facing the long term trauma when, as a child, one has experienced sexual abuse.
Link thanks to Mr Hirlekar.

लहानपणी झालेल्या लैंगिक अत्याचाराचे परिणाम आयुष्यभर सतावतात. ते लपवण्यापेक्षा सरळ सर्मोरे जाण्यासाठी काय भावनिक संघर्ष करावा लागतो आणि मार्ग काय, व कशाने थीदा सुकर होऊ शकतो त्याचे जिते चित्रण खूप संवेदनापूर्ण रित्या केले आहे.
प्रयास हेलथ ग्रुपचे खूप कौतुक की अशा अनेक गोष्टींवर खूप चांगल्या व्हिडीओज केल्या आहेत.
लिंक बद्दल श्री हिरलेकरांचे आभार.
#लैगिकअत्याचार #आवाज_उठवा #तुमचा_दोष_नाही

For more, visit: http://prayaspune.org/health/safejourneys/menulist.html?page=8_8 Does our society acknowledge child sexual abuse? How important is it to com...

12/05/2020

Hallowed Motherhood
The story behind the glory

Motherhood is one of the most glorified status symbol concept, far older than Cloud and 5G technology or Bitcoins, and also far more universal and fraught with danger. The yearly saga on Sunday (11 May '20), called Mothers Day, a largely commercial venture, was deflated by COVID. However, social media was as usual studded with cute photos, heartfelt sentimental posts and emotional songs dedicated to Moms. Of course we need to honor and appreciate the sheer dedication, involved efforts and unfailing love of (most) mothers, not only to their children but usually to all members of the household, and are largely taken for granted.

Since long, the niggling restlessness has made me wonder why we deify Motherhood .. sing praises and make mom look like a cross between a Saint and a Magician-Entertainer who is sent by God to save the world. But all the while she is more of an unpaid labour at worst and an efficient service provider at best; everything including a doctor- Nurse, teacher, cook, event manager, administrator, counselor .. (Wo)man Friday in short. All this, irrespective of whether the woman is working outside of home or not.

There are plenty of videos of poems recited and songs dedicated to moms, & short films made to give that glazed high of glory. All come out promptly around Mother's day in May and once more on Matru din in India (Amavasya- No moon day) in the month of Shravan. Once this servicing is done, the engine needs to run fine.

There's this sleek video showing a series of interviews of prospective candidates (men and women) for a high profile job: 24/7, 365 days - no holidays.. And yes, you don't get paid..Surprise!! Job profile says Mom! And the interviewees then show this enlightenment dawn on then. I guess they would crush home, hug Mom, and fall sobbing on her lap.

Likewise, there's this sweet poem recited by a sweet girl in all sincerity that says: 'मा अब तुम अपने लिये जी ले!" (Mom now, you live for yourself). While the thought is touching, i wonder if that mom has any energy left now to go.out and have fun..Chill.. do whatever she pleases, after the kids have grown up and husband has been busier and in laws grown older. She may have lost touch with her friends and is not that savvy or interested in traveling alone. For that matter she may have her own health issues and limitations.
Not that it should be a dead end, but it's so not ok that all her life she needs to cater to everything and everyone, often keeping herself last on the list.

Then there's the video of a daughter in law in a marathi serial giving her husband a dressing down for taking his mom for granted and neglecting her emotional needs.
Excellent in its sarcasm and content, but I wonder if it makes a dent in the mindset.
Or that brilliant poem "मा तुमभी गलत हो सकती हो" (Mom you could make mistakes too) you would find on YouTube, recited with verve and n warmth .. yes, mom doesn't have to be a Supermom. Cannot be. Let's wake up to reality..You, me, and ALL the Moms, young and bold.

What we need is a change from the very beginning. When a child is born and is growing up, teach him/ her, gender neutrality and human sensitivity. Teach consistently by example and action. They know when it's hollow.. their gut way smarter than you imagine. They catch a lie and they Learn... It's ok to be dishonest and manipulate. It's ok to disrespect and exploit. All you need is to be powerful and streetsmart ankur even you need to hug and play 'sweet', when to cry or throw a tantrum or use another person to get their way. They see the other adults around behave or imply that it's their birthright that Mom Must be Always Perfect; She doesn't need rest or involved help nor appreciation.
Our advertisements, movies, serials and popular fiction promote this emotional milking of the concept of the Mother wearing golden handcuffs of Divinity.

All those years as Teens and Young adults, children grow used to it. Moreover, many Mothers enable it, even take pride in the fact that they do EVERYTHING for the kids (& family.) This in itself isn't the problem, provided they have taken steps for self -care , growth, set boundaries and defined how she would like to be respected . Love can't happen without mutual respect and sensitivity.

So while it's great to treat Mom to a lavish dinner or buying her a diamond ring or a "women only " holiday tour, let's think whether it is what She really wants.
Or is it more to feel smugly content for having done something grand? And then take pride in posting pictures on social media; adulation and envy from others is a great mix.
Is it more of our need to diminish the guilt?
Does this alone make up for all Mom has done?
Or would it be better to actually hold her hand, look in her eyes and listen ton her rambling.. and share little tidbits from your life.. and laugh at her stupid jokes and take time out to watch a dumb serial. Surprise her with a visit from her best friend from school , or bring her that string of bakul flowers whose fragrance she is wistful about.
Moms look nice by your side, not in a photo album and n certainly not on your wall.
Be there For and With her.. just a few intense or easy casual minutes on your own once in a while.
And yes, please let her be just a Woman, a person. Don't make her God .. that would make her invisible and too sacred to touch.

30/04/2020

April is over, and May will swelter beyond imagination. So should we brush aside APRIL, the month of flowers and showers... And also the Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) Awareness month.
In the tidal wave of Corona preoccupation with information & research related posts, controversies, rumours, neverending 'News' updates, the Little problem called CSA of Little children, is swept away into oblivion. As we draw to the end of these 30 days snatched away from the cause, we reinforce the trivialization and denial of the terrible demon that has ruined many a child's emotional make up and healthy development of Self.
Almost everyone is aghast, pained and disgusted when they hear of any CSA incident; and yet, there are 'reported' incidents of CSA in almost 20 -25% children here in India. The world over, the story is no different.

You don't need much intelligence or general knowledge to figure out Why.

1:They are 'Children'. What do they know/ understand what's happening?! Then HOW can they be traumatized?

2:. Oh it happened just once or twice! (Therefore it's not important and will /must be easily forgotten.)

3: It's best to keep quiet. Speaking up will be painful for the child, and more importantly, it will stigmatize the child and the family.

4: After all, the perpetrator is 'loved and trusted' family member or friend of the family, or a respected powerful person (eg teacher / employer etc).

5: No one wil believe the child was not at fault. The future of the child will be ruined if one speaks up. The whole world will know.

6: After all, the child belongs to XYZ caste/ community/ class/ social strata/ gender / sexual orientation ... So ...

On and on.. a hundred reasons to Shut Up and pretend All is Well.

The spectre is far closer to home than we think. If you really think hard n clear, you would find at least a few victims in your family or close circle. May be even you would have some foggy memories from your own childhood safely buried deep and assumed forgotten.
It's the conspiracy of silence that emboldens the Perpetrators who are just like you and me.. 'Normal' average people. They don't look like the typical leering filmy villains. They have a special knack to spot the vulnerable amongst kids; little ones, prepubescent or teens. They slowly groom them by gaining trust. They invade the mind of the child with love or fear or curiosity and tempt them with gifts and praise.

From mild sexual tone in conversation/ chat to showing p**n or reading sexually graphic material, to touching, fondling and /or seeking to be fondled, to molesting and r**e/ in*******se... everything is a form of CSA. Any child below 18 comes under this umbrella and is protected by very stringent POSCO Act in India.

Often the perpetrator is known and familiar with the child and the family, mostly a young adult but could be an elderly person or even an underage person him/herself..
Unfortunately, this is where boys and girls are treated as 'equal', both being vulnerable to CSA.

During lockdown, children who are abused (physical/ emotional/ verbal/ sexual) by someone from their own family, feel trapped and helpless. The others in the family and neighbors need to be alert to telltale signs. Take some proactive steps. Reach out. Give confidence and protection. Involve the local police if needed. It is a crime that's mandatory to be reported if known to anyone.

Now with easy access children and adults have to Internet, the dangers have grown multifold. Sexting, cyber bullying, child p**n and grooming over social media is rampant. The danger is greater where there's poverty, loneliness, lack of awareness, family/ parental discord, separation/ divorce of parents, death of a parent or serious illness of a family member and lax laws with delayed course process and doubtful justice. Predators now have the whole world at their finger tips. It's big business.. a multi million dollar/ rupee empire.

What can/ should we do?
Talk to the child about CSA. It's never too early to make them aware without scaring them.

Have a rock solid relationship with your child, where the trust can't be breached by others. They need to feel safe to come and tell you whatever happens, without being scolded or punished.

Believe the child whenever he/ she tells you something odd/ strange, even if it's about a person you trust/ respect totally.

Train them to say a Loud NO, shout, cry, kick, hit.. Whatever... and tell you promptly about Anything that made them uncomfortable by Anybody. That often scares off potential perpetrators. They bank of creating a rift between the child and the parents/ family.

ALWAYS, but Always, Make Time to hear them out immediately if they want to tell you something.
And if they don't have the Words to explain, help them on by asking gently patiently to describe what happened and what they are feeling. Encourage them to draw, write, use toys and other ways to express.

Hold, hug, make them feel secure, loved, wanted and untainted.

Watch out for the Signs:

Change in body language, demeanor, behaviour, sleep or eating patterns, academic progress;/interest in regular activities; mood fluctuations, being withdrawn, crying spells, anger/ irritability, precociousness, secretive behaviour, sudden closeness to someone older, being lost in thoughts, clingy behaviour, refusal to go somewhere or attend some class/ meet someone that family likes/ trusts, aggression, sexualized behaviour with others (children/ adults) and so on.

Take help yourself. You are going to need a lot of courage, emotional stability and belief in self to support the child, should anything untoward happen.

Hold hands. Hold your head high.
Show your child by example: "It's not your fault!"

CHILDLINE:1098 (toll free) call for help; pan India, for anyone below age 18 years.
Police helplines : 100, 112

14/04/2020

DAY 21 : Let's play Kabaddi

What?!! Sounds odd eh? When we can't even go out to walk, I am talking about kabaddi. But this, dear friends, is to be played in our mind. Look at the odds; so many against you at a time, the necessary toughness of mind, staying calm trapped in adversity, using strategies to defeat what tries to beat you down. Yes, we are playing kabaddi with adversities that seem to loom from all sides. We have to hold on and win.
Adversities and obstacles are opportunities to get creative in finding solutions, become resilient and learn to flex your mental muscles.

So here's a short review of all we have done in the past 20 days, for ready reference.

◆ Be in the Present moment. Avoid getting entangled and weighed down by the patterns from the past.

◆ Focus on Factors Within Control. Instead of 'Why', focus on What can be done and How.

◆ Choices come at a Cost. We need to be aware and take responsibility of the outcome of our decisions.
Apart from Yes & No, there's also.a May be. By choosing to sit on things we pay a bigger price in increased anxiety.

◆ Instead of being fixated on the worst possible scenario in a problematic situation, imagine all the different possibilities. Objectively weigh the chances of all and see what's most likely. Then draw out a game plan of what you can do in case that happens. Recall your resources.

◆ Look at the positives in life (within that situation), instead of only thinking of the negatives. Use the power of gratitude and belief.

◆ Be in touch with your Self; body, mind and soul.
Practice slow and deep breathing for stabilizing. Scan body for relaxing tension as well as for early warning of disturbing thoughts and emotions. Write to get clarity and then resolve.

◆ Talk in a way that the listener can understand.
Listen to understand; not to answer. Listen to the pauses, tone, pace and find meaning beyond mere words.

◆ Don't assume, accuse or label. There always another side to things. Everything is not black or white. Open your mind and heart.
Respond; don't react impulsively.

◆ Go by Facts; not by perception, generalization or prediction. Ask, don't assume or interpret randomly.

◆ Practice Assertiveness. Choose your battles wisely.

◆ Let go of past hurts. It's toxic for you. Separate the person from unwanted behaviour. Don't paint it all black.

◆ Be in the Here and Now. That is the only truth. Be mindful in everything that you do with a Stoic approach. Improve your resilience quotient

◆ Uncertainty is inbuilt in the cycle of nature. It creates miracles from the chaos, even though there's also damage. We are seeing enough examples of that right now.
Permanency is stagnation, and actually it's an illusion we create to feel we have control over life.

◆ Slow down. Find what Really Matters to you.
Respect and Nurture that.

Have a great life, no matter what.
Reclaim happiness and the Freedom to be You.

13/04/2020

DAY 20: Reclaim your Self-respect

Self-respect, your birthright; and why would you not have it?
In the past few days, a dark shadow other than the Corona scare is eclipsing the good that's emerging in Society. People are at home ALL the time. No escape in the face of torture, violence or abuse if it's happening at Home. The spectre is emerging in an occasional anguished post on social media or in the news. We can't shut our eyes or look away awkwardly.

The victim can't sigh from relief or breathe free even for a while when the perpetrator is a family member who now can't go out, whether for work or leisure. The bashing is not only from the usual 'normal' rage, but also from the frustration of being in 'lockdown'. The victim is a rightful punching bag. Though the victim is often a woman (mostly the wife), at times it's the man who is at the receiving end.

Children are either terrified spectators or direct victims themselves of this violence. Violence could be verbal, physical, emotional, sexual or a mix of these. Often the culture of violence, disrespect and humiliation of females, gloating over the fear of weak and trapped individuals, is something that's fulminating underneath the routine humdrum of daily life. We manage somehow to hide it, or find solace in some respite.

The idea is to demean a person so much that he/she loses sense of self, rob the identity and make him/ her grovel for mercy of the powerful.
Absolute Control gives a high like nothing else.

We need to put a stop to this mindless abuse, which we allow just by keeping quiet and being on the backfoot. Look up directly in the eye.. and say NO! Nothing scares a perpetrator than the realization that you are not afraid. And you will Talk. The shame and stigma is for that person to bear.. not you.

And if you see it being done to someone, step in. At least report it. Just that should reduce the sting. You don't need to be Superman.

Being assertive is not being aggressive.
It is about knowing what you want, having clarity about your reasoning and goals, and taking responsibility for one's decisions and actions. It is speaking your mind CALMLY.
Being assertive is about knowing your strengths and support system, and not being afraid to use it. It is about loving yourself and believing you are ok, no matter what. .
It is about respecting your own worth.
You are Enough.

You don't need an approval or a certificate, especially not from those who do not value others. Age, gender, class, caste, status or education should not be the power drivers.
You are Enough! You are Worthy... Just Because. :D

12/04/2020

DAY 19 : Forgive a Hurt

"Don't tell me to do that!" That's the spontaneous response anyone would give. We hold on to past hurts, insults, injustice done unto us (whether factual or assumed), as if that is what gives us a purpose in life. Keeps the fire of anger, resentment, negativity alive. Seems like that becomes the concrete foundation of our identity. Letting go feels scary. What if we become a Nobody!
That's so sad. Why would we want our own identity to be based on something that Is negative and eats you up from within?!

But that's human nature. We are sensitive and idealistic. We have some fantastic life rules, all aimed at aggressively making ourselves content, secure and happy.
All relationships have to be caring, enhancing and equally invested.
All people must always see to it that noone feels bad, unwanted, lonely, or cheated.
The world must be fair, at least all my near and dear ones..And of course my boss and colleagues.
I must be loved and cared for at all times.
I must be an ideal person in all ways.
And so on...

And if any of this doesn't happen at times, or by people who are significant to you.. or in case of some personalities, by just anybody, God help you! That is a sore which we scratch all the time and let it fester. The pain reminds us not to trust again; not to get fooled or be treated like garbage. An unhealthy defence mechanism.

We forget that it is a thing of the past which we constantly carry in the head. How much ever we seek redressal, clarification or revenge, it will never really heal. Instead, if we just offload the burden, throw it away in the dump, and move on, we feel lighter and the soul doesn't take on a bitter tinge.

Forgive and forget is cliché. Not easy and not needed too. But yes, it helps if you forgive the person whose action or words caused the hurt. That places the focus on What you didn't like, and not on painting the person all black. You don't then look at that person as an enemy, but become aware and cautious about certain traits or behaviours that may rub you the wrong way. It reduces the impact of the hurtful thing on your Present, by not connecting your mood to that thing from so many years ago.

Forgive the person. After all we humans are known to err or lose perspective.
Do not, however, forget the lesson learnt.
Don't forget the emotions you felt, the sensations that raced through the body that time, and the reactive thoughts that you probably regretted later.
Warn yourself if ever you start going the same path. Pull the brake.. pause..And take another route. You have the power to change the course of the event.

Just the same way, do forgive yourself for the things you feel you ought not have done. Pick up the courage to say sorry. May be that person will heal faster..and surely you will.

We are not God. We make mistakes. We can make up. We learn.
Just the act of forgiveness with awareness and compassion lifts a load off the mind. You can then breathe free and feel the urge to engage in something constructive and positive.

If the person is really important to you, then it makes a lot of sense to forgive and to ask for forgiveness with all sincerity, and to accept it if it comes your way.
And if he/ she isn't, then why are you giving him/ her so much space in your mind and allow the anger to smother your vitality? Point to.poner.

Accepting yourself and others unconditionally gives the flexibility that is the one tool that fixes all misfortunes.
Focus on what you can do. Be in the Now
Love yourself. Spread the love. Let the energy light up your surroundings.

11/04/2020

Day 18: Make a Wish List

If only I had the time....
If you had put a rupee aside every time you thought or said that aloud, I bet you would have easily collected many thousands by now. Borrowing from that popular and apt forward circulating on whatsapp these days: Now in the lockdown days, if you haven't picked up a new skill, cleaned your cupboard, had that long awaited conversation or clarified a misunderstanding, it's not Time you lacked; it's intent, inclination and initiative.

Time is what you have now, big time.. in spite of Work At Home and Work From Home. Can't run away from your thoughts anymore. .. unless of course you want to pile up more excuses.

Let's get started.

1: Pull out a big sheet of paper and list down all the things that you wanted to do but didn't or couldn't. Include the things that you Should have done, but couldn't or didn't. ;)
(Don't worry, noone is going to call you Bad.)

2: Now segregate them in 3 categories.
A) Things that can be started immediately and continued even after the lockdown ends. (Now)
B) Things you plan to do or start in the next one year. (Soon)
C) Long term life altering things or one time Big things you have always wanted to do. (Promise to me)

3: Once that's done put numbers on the 3 lists as per your preferred priority, realistically keeping in mind the feasibility.

4: Then take a large sheet and write these things in 'Large Handwriting' in 3 columns under Now, Soon, Promise to me.
You could also write them down all according to the possible timeline using colour codes for the 3 categories.

5: Against each of the items in the list write a estimated date. The ones in the Now column could be a bit more defined, the ones in Soon in terms of months rather than dates and the ones in the Promise column may be months and/ or year.

6: Put this chart on the wall of your room where you can see it as an enthusiastic reminder of how you can be happier.
For those who don't like it displayed in the open, you could put it inside the door of your cupboard or under your bed or wherever you feel you can access it daily.

7: Egs of NOW: things you can do right away and continue: learn to cook, play with my kids, talk to parents, clear up a misunderstanding, start a kitchen garden, do an online course, spend time with your spouse, revive a hobby, clean the attic, donate for a cause etc..You get the drift?
SOON : takes some planning and resource building. Eg: plan for a trip, buy an expensive gift for someone special, long term commitment for a social cause or family responsibility, rebuilding a relationship, skill building for career enhancement, learning music or a sport or something you haven't done before etc
PROMISE TO ME : long term commitment: Egs: self care, planning for future security, planning for a lifetime fantasy etc.

8: All you need to do is: Just Do It. :D
Feel Free. Have Fun. Feel good about yourself.
Happiness grows in the garden within.

PS: It's important you WRITE in your own handwriting, not type and print.
Believe me, something strange works in the brain and you feel motivated to do it if you Write. Almost like auto suggestion,.. You make a commitment to yourself.

10/04/2020

DAY 17: Let Silence Speak

After a long long time there is Silence.
No traffic. No honking. No hustle bustle of people rushing about. No doors banging. No irritated outbursts . No screaming of hawkers competing for attention. No deafening chatter of crowds. No music blaring from odd places. No loudspeakers aggressively intruding on your inner space.

All you hear in spite of the sighs of sadness and fear, is the gentle tune Nature is humming as it rocks itself to comforting peace, healing itself. People actually Talk to eachother, and they Listen. Birds chirp. Animals call as they wander freely. Wind rustles through leaves, tickling as they giggle.

Silence speaks.
And you can hear your heart speak too. Thoughts that you hurriedly brushed aside; the endearing hand stretched out that you pretended you didn't see. I could have smiled. I could have said I love you.. or sorry . It all comes back.

Listen to.it now. Be Still.
Sit down quietly..Doing Nothing.
It helps if you close your eyes to avoid getting distracted. Focus on your breathing. Gentle and deep. Be with that rhythm.

Slowly get in touch with your inner self. Let your soul whisper to you. Hear the murmur of your senses telling you many untold tales. You had
earlier thought they were trivial. The pace of life has drowned that voice.

Be Still. Just breathe... And Feel. Sense what is happening around you. Visualize with eyes closed. Paint the image with the brush of sound and imagination. Savour it leisurely.
And when you are done, gently open your eyes.

How long could you be still? You thought it was quite long, right? Take a look at the clock. It was barely a few minutes.
SMILE. This realization is the beginning of your friendship with Self. Now you can do it every day as many times as you like. You will grow into.it.
The fine art of Just Being.
Freedom from the need to always rush about doing something as if time is running out.
The only time truly yours, is Now.

09/04/2020

DAY 16: The Insight Journal
(Alice in Wonderland)

These past few weeks have been days when strange has become normal, and unbelievable has become the new reality.
We have done things we have never done before, or even though we were capable of. We survived without things we though we couldn't do without and managed to get some priceless insights.

We have the luxury of time and mental space, which may are already utilizing well. It's really heartening. Even those who are working from home can use that precious travel time saved for things that were waiting forever for tomorrow.

We found our cupboards stuffed with things we hardly use, and our day filled with activities that became mundane or meaningless.
We discovered how laborious and tough 'menial housework' was and started respecting the house help, the driver, the cook and the watchman.

We were rattled with strange fears and anxieties, overcome with helplessness and anger. And we had to come to terms with the fact that we have very little control over things. Cooperation and coping became a necessity.

We have found courage, comfort and security having experienced and seen compassion, bravery, noble deeds, altruism in society.
We have felt pain and shame at what vicious negativity can do to mankind and how we have ravaged Earth.
We marvelled at nature bursting in delight all around us in the most dazzling breathtaking manner. We have prayed that it heals and that we retain the wisdom gained in these days.
We have felt the shadow of death and uncertainty breathing down the neck. And we have seen order emerging from the chaos time and again.

Spending time with family and with yourself over these days of lockdown, had given a lot of food for thought. Whether you were living alone, stuck alone far away from home , or whether all family members were bundled together, these times have shown you some nuances you were completely unaware of, in yourself and others. Some good some not so pleasant discoveries.. insights that will stand you in good stead forever.

These deserve to be written down in the Little Green Book. :)
It's for keeps!
So you can open it later on and marvel at what you discovered about yourself, your near and dear ones and about the world that we live in.
They need not be profound or earth shaking. Could be as simple as: "Oh I never thought I could eat brinjals and not puke." Or: "Wow..mom is so calm even though I am stuck alone far away from home. Never thought she had it in her."
They could also be deep realizations about what Really Matters in life. Take them in slowly. This is where you turn obstacles into opportunities of free training. ;)

Like Alice, we find a world turned upside down around us. But we also find a new harmony. It's our choice whether we keep the balance or waste it away after things return to normal.

Take charge. Choose life. It's giving you a second chance.