Shamseddin Giwa, Lagos (2026)

03/02/2026

Almost 8yrs into the marriage and I still beg,the last time my husband had an er****on was last year August,around October I confronted him on why he refuses me when I make advances at him,he didn't say a word,I involved his cousin(male) but he lied to him that it was just a month,and I told him to divorce me if he's no longer interested that intimacy in marriage to me is a big deal,the more he denies me,the more disconnected I feel,whatever the case he should seek medical help but he said he's fine
———-
I’m sorry you are going through this. The place of intimacy is critical in marriage such that it is valid basis for divorce.

There are different reasons why this may be happening:

- External stress
- infidelity
- lack of attraction and connection
- health challenges
- orientation

The first step to proffering a solution is get to the bottom of why it’s happening to begin with. If it’s health related, the solution will be different from if it’s lack of attraction etc

Sexual issues can be very heavy on the ego and confidence of men so much so that they struggle to even think about it let alone talking or seeking a solution that involves speaking about it.
Unfortunately, it often needs one form of professional help or the other which goes beyond what the average can offer self so the issues keeps on getting worse, damaging relationships that depend on it eg marriage.

If there’s to be any solution, he needs to be involved in the process. That you can influence.

Have a conversation with him letting him know the effect of what he’s doing and how damaging it is to the marriage. Let him know eventually it will get to a breaking point that your marriage may not survive and as such demand that he seeks help which you will be involved in.

You’ve played the card of involving his family member, albeit a cousin. Let him know. If he doesn’t seek help, you’d be escalating to the family leadership and demand an exit.

Hopefully, that gets him to seek help.
Ensure you are involved in the process as it won’t be easy for him to stay committed to it.

That’s a good place to start.

03/02/2026

One day you realise he has just stopped caring. There’s no more desire to talk and on rare occasions when that happens, it’s about basic things like the children’s welfare. He’s no longer excited around you but you know he’s excited around others which frustrates you.

The marriage which one held so much beautiful promise, now reduced to you two living like estranged tenants living in the same house.

You have been trying but your approach hasn’t brought results. You are tired too.

Intimacy is effectively dead, when it happens, it feels like a painful debt being paid to avoid complains. What sort of intimacy comes with zero emotional connection? Boring, dry, short, literally.

But how did you get here? Why are you here?

Different reasons could include that he’s just evolved and his needs have changed. It could be that he’s found someone else, it could be he’s tired of you and things he used to complain about, it could even be more complex.

What then?

You need to figure out why the marriage has become this way. Of course you’ve tried and you still don’t know. Get professional help.

You cannot solve a problem you don’t understand.

Some reasons hold hope but if unfortunately, what he feels for you is just completely dead and he has lost the desire to fix it, you may have waited too long.

For now, get help. You have a marriage to repair.

It doesn’t matter how long this has gone on for, if you still wish for it to be better and still desire the marriage, get help. Even if you have gotten to a point you are contemplating divorce, you still need guidance on the decision you are about to make.

03/02/2026

Everyone imagines you ought to be married because your siblings are so they keep passing insensitive remarks and reminders, mounting pressure.

In return, this gets to you and takes you to an emotional place you don't want to go; a place that makes you question your Creator and ask why.

It is the same for wealth, where you put in your all but it seems people around who put in much less get the results, again making you question not just you but your overall existence and decisions.

Your Lord has not forgotten you nor has He forsaken you. Life works with the concept of time and everyone's time comes. Yes, it very difficult to understand this when you are the one struggling but if you stay steadfast, uphold good values and never give up, your time too will come.

For now though, refuse the urge to hate on others. Yes, it is tricky to question your own luck without risking jealousy but you need to refuse it and be genuinely happy for others. Your genuine happiness for them contributes to the speedy answering of yours.

It's not easy, I know but you are strong enough. Your time is near, if you believe it is, so, believe it is.

Share this hope to your loved ones, someone you know needs it.

03/02/2026

"If you leave him, where are you going to get someone else to marry you?"

Nobody's happiness is tied permanently to one person. nobody goes in a marriage desiring it to break but to think this will prevent you from getting another is false. Yes, you'd be back in the pool and just like before, it is not a walk in the park. Unlike before, there are even more factors applying to you but don't ever allow yourself to believe that you are a reject simply because you've been in a previous marriage that didn't work out.

"If I tell him I am divorced, he'd just run"

Yes, you can and you should. Let it be one of the first things you say about yourelf. You are correct to think that not every man would want you but then you also would not want every man. To hide this from him is to set yourself up wrong. Tell him the whole truth upfront before "Mr & Mrs Solomon Makinde" help you tell him a distorted version of what really happened, a version that may paint you as a witch or worse.

"I can't tell him I already have a child"

You have a child and that child is a blessing to you. Whether you like it or not, that child is a part of you and you should be looking for a man that can take care of you and love you as you are. Contrary to what people would have you believe, there are still men out there who would love you right, stand up for you and accept your child. Your child is not "my nephew/niece", your child is not "family living with my parents", your child is your child.

If you have to hide the above to get him/her then you really don't have him/her. Be who you are as you are it, Love will find you if you offer value.

03/02/2026

When last did you kiss her?

No, not the side chick, I’m asking about the wife.

Today, yesterday, last week, last year, never?
Oh, it’s not about kissing yeah?

“It doesn’t matter” you say but brother, if it is something your wife desires then it matters. Oh sorry, I forgot to ask if the wife matters.

Yet, given all the excuses, you are the one in chat messages, found to be offering head to a random girl. The same you that says kissing is disgusting?!!!!

Now, this is specifically about kissing and head but it could also be about other things.

Your wife is begging for money to buy food in the house, food that you’d eat the best portions of. Yet, the same you that gets cranky and sometimes abusive the times you manage to give her, is the same one offering to buy unsolicited luxuries to a side chick.

“Let me take you to Dubai” has not dropped money at home for feeding.

How you treat your wife says a lot about who you really are.

If this message makes you feel uncomfortable, please introspect and ask yourself why. If you find yourself guilty, please do better and begin immediately.

It would be a shame to lose a good wife and destroy your home for this.

03/02/2026

In-laws are humans and no matter what you do, not every human or Inlaw will like you.
There will be people who will not even like you for putting in your best.

Given how important family is to many of us, it is normal for this to be an issue one is concerned about.

In the end, ensure you give your best and leave the rest. An Inlaw that will like you will find a reason to like you. One who wants to dislike you will fabricate a reason to dislike you even where there’s none.

Whatever it is, don’t give anyone that sort of power over you. Many have lost their peace and happiness trying to impress in-laws who can never be satisfied.

Know when to let go and focus on what you can control.

03/02/2026

Blunt truth:

Shamseddin always says positive things about his spouse. It is because there is positive to say. That’s the first place.

If your spouse is not saying positive things about you, begin from an introspection. Don’t begin by blaming the spouse for not saying it. He cannot say something that’s not there after all.

02/02/2026

I woke up today wondering how the economy is for many and despite all our needs, still choose to be grateful.

Collect money for upkeep from the husband, get to the market and realise it can no longer cover.

Give money to the wife, she’s returned with less, pleading for more.

In the face of the economic state, please be kind to one another in marriage. It takes a lot to go out, provide and see it not do what same amount used to cover but together you can still be happily if you rely on your Creator, stay as one and minimise quarrels.

One day it’ll all make sense.

02/02/2026

I have been married to my husband for 5 years now. I had some male friends, we were close before we got married that he had to make inquiries about me from them. Barely a month into the marriage he started complaining about why I'm still friends with them when I'm already married to him. He kept complaining until I started ignoring them one after the other. They call to check up on me once a while and he always gets angry when they do. Recently he started accusing me of sleeping around with men cos he thinks I don't want to let go of the male friends. We live separately cos of his kind of Job. When he came to visit me, we had s*x only for him to say I am sleeping around cos I was loose. He packed his bags and left the next day. I've cried myself out everyday cos I know I have never cheated on him or even do what he's accused me of. I'm hurt and broken now he calls and acts like nothing happened even sending me texts of I love you. I don't know what to do cos I really don't want to talk to him anymore
————
I’m sorry you are going through this.

5 years is enough time to build trust in marriage but unfortunately, there’s still no trust in yours.

This is important because without trust, it won’t matter if you are celibate even, to him, everything will have a meaning and it would feel like you are sleeping with the whole world. That part is on him to fix.

On your side, it’s okay to have friends but if the friendship is such that it is affecting your marriage negatively then you should adjust. The complains have been coming from a month into your marriage and 5 years on, the complains are still there. Regardless of the lack of trust on his side, I believe this can be made better and a balance reached.

Now to the issue of being loose, I do not know whether this is a claim or this is exactly how it is.

This is a serious issue because if it is a false claim then what exactly is left in the marriage where you have been falsely accused of sleeping around?
On the other hand, if there’s any part of it that’s true, then you wonder how the marriage will recover from that level of infidelity.

Distance is making this worse. Seek professional help immediately.

02/02/2026

Dear wives,

We love when you wear our clothes and it's extremely s*xy, However, the wahala is that you will see average top and skip, only to pick the most expensive designer shirt and turn into Pajama top that you'd be shaking 'ordinary' bum bum about in.
The times you do wear something to cover the seduction, it is one's finest boxers that you return later as baggy shorts.

See, we know you have found us out but please, this is an appeal. Use the clothes that are not as expensive. They are there too ehn.

Thank you.

** Please, we are not saying you should stop altogether o, just not to use our 'bestest' clothes

Signed
For concerned husbands of Africa

02/02/2026

It takes a lot to get me speechless….
But, wow!

We are making jokes of very seriously poor marital orientation and conduct.

02/02/2026

The same wives who feel it’s okay to apologise to husbands by wearing s*xy lingerie or just parading n**e without verbally saying it feel a man who apologises by parading in boxers and making s*xual passes is insensitive and manipulative.

This may sound funny but it is fundamentally wrong.

Shamseddin Giwa

03/02/2026

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