Shamseddin Giwa, Lagos (2026)

03/04/2026

I’m sorry you are going through this but now that you have found the Facebook accounts of her baby daddy and her mother, what exactly do you think will happen?

You’d report then they’d warn her and she’d just leave your husband, apologise to you and everything will become okay again?

The reason this affair exists is because your husband has chosen not to stay loyal to you. It doesn’t matter how many women you keep going after; if your husband doesn’t stop, it will continue.

Your focus is supposed to be on him. The woman out there owes you no loyalty, she also is not in any marital arrangement with you.

Fave your husband and take it up with him instead. Why not your husband’s mother instead of this woman’s mother?

In how you handle this, hold him responsible. Any moves to fix things should begin with him.

03/04/2026

I am a wife and mother to 2 beautiful kids. my marriage was very good at the beginning every one would admire ..later my husband started mistreating me..this man took my virginity,I know no other man.so he started cheating on me and wen I confront him he beat me...I slowly started losing feelings for him...wena get sick he don't care,he behaves as if nothing.i felt bad and prayed .notin changed...I ended up cheatin on him with 2 men...I got a spirit of lust ..I flirt with any man dat approaches me...I don't love my man n I know he doesn't love me but I couldn't leave cz of kids...I totally changed from a good gal to a whore..I can't leave my marriage I want it to work but I don love him
Please what do I do
——
I’m sorry you are going through this. Hopefully the fact that you reached out is a pointer you truly want to try and make things better.

The marriage started good like you said but something broke. What exactly broke is not too clear based on the amount of information given but it allegedly led to him cheating and domestic violence.

Let’s establish something, it should never have degenerated to this point. Many cases are more of two people being aggressive at each other as against one on the other but even that is not acceptable and should never happen.

However, the point you had affairs with the two initial men, you became the very thing you accused him of.
When it became a case of flirting with any man that approached you, things had spiralled into a new level, one that should never have been.

It is possible for a “good girl” to sample “the streets” but oftentimes, they lack what it takes to handle it.

Both of you have stepped out according to what you’ve said but to stand any chance, you both need to track back to what broke originally in the marriage because that’s the point you lost a beautiful thing.

What’s done is done, don’t beat yourself up for it. What’s most important now is how to move forward.

Detach from other men, go back into your space, begin in the home by just being human and kind, nothing fancy. Build up from there to where you can resume talks and hopefully it can get deep enough to agree to try for your home and marriage again.

03/04/2026

Think about it well and you’ll discover one of two things:

It’s either you always had the power to stop your husband from cheating and just didn’t know how to do it or you are married to someone who absolutely doesn’t care if the marriage ends or not.

A lot of wives are enablers who position themselves as completely helpless victims not realising this very mindset is their biggest undoing.

Many of the men today were raised believing and knowing that the women have been raised to dread the tag and stigma of a divorcee so they weaponise it and use it against them.

And it works!!!

Would you rather stay in your marriage with a husband that cheats or leave the marriage and become a single divorced mother.

I promise you, many (if not majority) of women will rather stay back.

You want to know why men continue to cheat? It’s because men know there won’t be any consequence, nothing will happen. You, the woman, will get pi**ed for a while, you’ll behave yourself for a few days or weeks, but her a few gifts, come home early on those days; problem solved.

Where the case is escalated, there’d be family and friends to talk to her not to “throw away” her home.

A man will cheat because he knows he’ll get away with it. Many of the men will not do it if they know they’ll lose their marriage for it because suddenly the affair will not be worth it.

03/04/2026

I just report it to his friend that he should do justice when my husband here he angry what am finding on his phone and what is my own problem as he was spending money and he report me to my family even my father is begging him and ask me to beg him and ask me to write apology letters and affidavit that I would check his phone again ever since then my life as not the same I always think of what I saw in his phone and how he don’t feel am think I don’t think I can ever happy with him this life is not fear with woman
——-
I’m sorry you are going through this.

However, this is not about life being unfair to women. This particular issue is happening because you have removed your own choices and say.

You are surrounded by men with wrong orientation but the bitter truth is that you can choose to exit the marriage given how you are being treated.

It is very humiliating that the person mediating on your behalf is negotiating you (a legal wife) writing an undertaking not to check his phone where he has been found to be engaged in extramarital affairs.

The question to ask is why you are still in such an arrangement. Is it finance? Is it the fear of what society will say? Is it the fear of what family will say?

Family already betrayed you in negotiating an undertaking. In the end, what will you do to liberate yourself?

03/04/2026

I've been married for 5, courted for 4 years.

My husband is a very good husband and a responsible father. I do my best to remain a good wife too. But my husband as an attitude dat ave been managing even b4 we got married which is been discreet). Like I only know wat my spouse only wants me to know about im. I don't even have access to my spouse phone.

Last year November,I I discovered a change of attitude in husband 😭and I somehow got is password without is consent and the moment I opened is phone, the first page I saw really shocked me, my husband was having a romantic chat with another woman.Dis is the first time I'll experience dis in the years we've been together. It really shocked we, I was confused,I couldn't hold it so I challenged him immediately.U won't believe dis man changed his password immediately.I wanted to know if I have wrong im but my husband never admitted dat he's cheating with another woman, with my investigation, I find out dat dis woman is a mother of three girls, she is not even as prettier as I'm and my husband buys materials he uses for work from her, I'm confused, and dis woman never stopped calling and texting my husband. My husband keeps telling me dis woman is just a friend. My husband wants me to forget dis matter and move on with him. Like how can I trust a man like that, and each time I tried to talk about dis matter it usually results in a very eated argument, even presently we don't even talk to each other in the house, we're just living like roommates.

———
I’m sorry you are going through this but the woman hasn’t done anything to your husband. It’s a direct case of infidelity. He’s always been secretive so chances are there’s always been something to hide.

The password change and not wanting to address it reflects a lack of deep remorse.

What to do:
Let him know the consequences of his actions on your marriage and make your demands directly. Also, let your energy in the home reflect the state of affairs eg. You cannot be this upset and everything else will feel normal; that will only make him think it’s okay for him not to address it.

If no change, escalate and bring in trusted third party mediators.

03/04/2026

Yes, a man is supposed to be bold and in charge in his marriage but what chance does he have against a meddling and dominating mother who raised him to never be able to have a mind of his own around her?

Imagine being the wife to such a man and you are looking up to your husband to make decisions, unfortunately, you’d only be just another subject of that woman.

You will never truly have a say in your own home and marriages. Everything from what you cook, how you eat, how you spend, the number of children and even the names of your children will need her approval.

To try to break free would be to be seen as a bad wife. It doesn’t matter how unreasonable her ideas are, if you object you are bad.

There’s no winning with such women who oftentimes have destroyed their own marriages with the same character and as such feel threatened by anyone coming into the lives of their children especially sons.

All of a sudden you understand that the brother or sister inlaw who had always been painted bad to you was not really bad, the person decided to break free of her toxic control.

This is the point you look at your husband and know he’d have to lead the charge to break her hold else your marriage would suffer. Yet, what chance does a son have against a mother? A dominating and toxic one but a mother all the same.

Welcome to the reality of many wives (and indeed husbands)

03/04/2026

Nobody goes into a marriage with hopes it won’t work out but that’s life. Whenever the discussion is on the need for women to have a means of livelihood, there are always those who speak defensively, almost making it seem like it makes you less of a wife or mother to do so. Yet, many of the people going through abusive marriages belong to this category, stuck without a way out.

Everyone’s got their own family to take care of so help doesn’t always come, your best bet being yourself.

I have had many reach out for counselling sessions, some married to the wealthiest people around, even royalty but cannot even afford the sessions to help themselves.

What’s worse is how the whole world would look at you thinking you are wealthy yet you are stranded.

Your husband has a responsibility towards you but that’s not enough. It is important to have your own. This is one of several seasons.

Many will cite children as the reason they are staying back but the truth is that it’s not really the children as such, it’s the fact they don’t have the means to take care of the children.

In the end, it’s your choice.

03/04/2026

A mama’s boy is a man whose relationship with his mother crosses regular social boundaries especially on issues of independence and decision making.

Marriage is supposed to make a man a husband and that is a position that needs a lot of independent thinking and bold smart decision making.

Ordinarily, the support of a mother should be a plus but when almost all the decisions in the marriage are dictated by the mother then there’s a problem.

There’s nothing attractive about a man who cannot take charge and do things on his own. What’s worse is that mothers who do this to their sons often raise said sons to never be able to stand up to them so even when the mother is clearly in the wrong deliberately, nobody can talk to her let alone correct her.

Marriage to a mama’s boy is a nightmare better avoided than resolved because it is quite difficult to solve. Yes, possible but difficult.

A man whose independence of thought has been taken away will run to mama with everything. So, even where there’s an attempt to help show him what needs to be done, he’d tell mama who will feel threatened and ensure she blocks it.

It can be as bad as the mama deciding when they have s*x, how they have s*x, where they give birth, what name to give the child, what they eat (where she hasn’t taken over cooking), she decides it all.

If that sounds ridiculous, imagine mama deciding your tenure as wife, when you are divorced, when another wife comes in, which person said wife will be.

If you are married to a mama’s boy, mama can never be wrong, even where she cheats or maltreats you, you have to be the one to apologise and beg. How she apologises is that she accepts you begging her and for that you even have to be grateful.

Where is her husband you ask? Well, commonly, husband may no longer be in the picture or where present, a victim of her overbearing nature so he also cannot talk.

What’s the way forward?

Learn your ropes because everything with her can get you into trouble and destroy your marriage.

Seek professional help. If you are lucky and he joins you on your program, then you can hope the personnel is able to get to him and help his decisions.

03/04/2026

Part of the basic things you should be able to provide before contemplating marriage is your own space to take the wife to.

No matter how nice your family is, that’s not her space and she won’t be free to express herself as needed.

If you cannot yet afford a space of your own, you are not ready to be married.

Even where you have a space in a family house, get another that is free of drama.

Where there are exceptional circumstances, ensure you keep your family in check and protect her from the drama and troubles of your family. That’s your first role as a husband.

Also, teach your folks how to respect her by respecting her first.
You have a wife but because your mother is in the same space, you go to eat her own meals and spend all the time with your siblings. You are telling them it’s okay to disrespect your wife because you don’t respect her.

No matter how small it is, get your own private and separate space. Surely that’s more honourable than taking a wife to a family house. It also helps to drive you towards growth because in the end, the family house is actually not yours.

03/04/2026

When you expect a wife to keep apologising to you even you are wrong, it is not "being the head of the home", it is being abusive.

Many wives today have been pummeled into physical and psychological abuse to the point they believe it is their duty to apologise even for being correct. They have been sold the narrative that it is always the work of the wife to make it work by apologising to her husband no matter what.

Marriage has also been painted as the ultimate so they'd do whatever they can to protect what they have, even if it means being in daily abuse.

Gender doesn't define who is wrong or who needs to apologise, actions do. If you have been wronged, you should not have to apologise "peace to reign" because in truth, that is not peace.

Nobody is born to be correct everytime, sometimes you'd be wrong in marriage. Apologising takes nothing away from you. If anything, it strengthens your position, making your marriage healthier.

But no, many have an overload of ego so for occupying the position of husband, they can never be wrong culturally and even religiously. For others, it's because they grew up seeing mothers swallow abuse because they couldn't afford to leave, they believe it is how it should be.

This, we need to change.

03/04/2026

How many times do you hear about father or father in law issues in marriages? Now compare that to the number of times you hear about mothers and mothers in law. Clearly, you’d see a trend.

The same wives who once complained now have children who are married and suddenly become that which they used to complain about.

Many marriages have been ruined because of mothers who encouraged their daughters wrong, mothers who hijacked the ability of their sons to have a say in their own homes.

Such is the toxicity of many mothers that they’d try to blackmail their sons citing how they carried him and breastfed him to grow but really does that mean you hijack his home?

It may seem easy to just ask him to be firm but exactly how easy is it to stand up to a mother who’d lie and a master at the dark arts of manipulation who raised a suppressed son that can never defy her?

You go to your daughter’s home lying and stirring up fights, trying to get her to do things according to your own greed. What’s your gain if her home gets destroyed?

You go to your son’s house and suppress his wife, suppress even him doing things you used to complain about and fight your own mother in law for. Is it until you destroy his home?

At some point, you have to sit and tell yourself the truth. Your mother is human and as such can be wrong. It is your responsibility to protect your home from intrusion even when it is coming from family.

This is not saying to sever ties but stand up for your home and spouse.

This is mother and mother in law, there’s sister and sister in law episode too. Why?

03/04/2026

I enjoy a big boost in my marriage because of the relationship between my mother and my wife.

As much as both of them have played their part as well, it is important to note that the biggest factor is my own role and position as the person bringing them together in the first place.

What are the things I have done to ensure it is smooth?

1. Defining firmly what sort of family I want to form and what sort of relationship I’d like both women to have.

2. Understanding what it would take to create it including studying the characters of both and figuring out how to balance.

3. Being a firm MAN. One that can be fair even in the face of potential backlash. Meaning each side understands that I love them but that I love the other too. Also that I will protect them from each other if the need arises. I am not afraid to call out firmly but calmly whoever needs to be because regardless of position, we are all human.

4. By ensuring that there’s a continued orientation of both on what the other is like, background, value system, temperament etc as the one with the most extensive knowledge of and relationship with both sides. Eg. Teaching the wife what my mum doesn’t like so she can avoid it, explaining to my mother how to be there for my wife etc.

5. By being as responsible as I can so that my conduct doesn’t become a reason for tension.

6. By ensuring even during misunderstandings with either, I don’t badmouth or present that person in a terrible way to the other because when the misunderstandings end, the reputation or disrespect created will be difficult to erase or undo.

7. By celebrating each and letting them know what the other is doing to help make me happier after all, that’s the goal both of them would like to achieve.

8. By embracing advanced conflict resolution positioning such that even if there’s an issue, I can mediate and help douse the tension not make things worse.

9. By establishing order as it should be meaning in my own, my wife is a co owner, in my mother’s home, we are both to follow her calls. Eg. If my wife sees me washing plates in my mother’s home, it helps her to easily fall in line on expectations.

Shamseddin Giwa

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