ConnectionLab

31/05/2024

Dear followers - I'm leaving Facebook.

It has been such a joy to connect with you all here, and this platform is currently giving me more useless distraction than meaningful connection - and that's what I am all about!

I feel a great urge to simplify my life, and spending less time online is part of that. Mildly ironic follow up - I'm still on Instagram (for now) - so if you want to stay in touch, find me there (link below).

I'll also pop the link to my newsletter in here, in case you prefer an occasional email with relationship tips & musings and my offerings.

Thank you for connecting here, and hope to see you someday in the offline world!

Love,
Anke

Insta: https://www.instagram.com/anke.verhees/
Newsletter: https://connectionlab.us10.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=a78695325b6f716c7a25695d2&id=b8a7f0b164

08/05/2024

Help! Mijn partner wil niet in relatietherapie!

Ik hoor het veel bij een eerste gesprek of een telefonische intake; dat een partner meer in relatietherapie wil dan de ander.

Dat is normaal, want jullie zijn twee verschillende individuen. Soms kan het voor de een minder acuut lijken, of zijn er angsten ("wordt het juist niet erger als we erover gaan praten?" "ik ben niet handig met over emoties praten"). Ook dat is heel normaal.

Weet dan dat juist al die dingen hierboven meegenomen worden en juist iets zijn wat we in therapie gaan onderzoeken.

Ook als je denkt dat je niet handig met emoties bent (spoiler alert, bij mij op de bank zie ik eigenlijk nooit mensen die niet over hun emoties kunnen praten als ze daar de ruimte voor krijgen). Of als je het liever zelf op wilt lossen (nog een spoiler alert, als dingen al lang spelen, en er verandert niets, dan lukt het dus niet zelf en kan hulp zoveel brengen).

Mijn collega EFT therapeut Lars heeft dit mooie stuk geschreven met tips als een van jullie wel en een niet in therapie wilt:

https://www.eft.nl/nieuws/help-mijn-partner-wil-niet-in-relatietherapie

05/04/2024

The thing I say to all new couple therapy clients

I have been seeing many new clients recently, and what strikes me over and over again, is how long they've waited to seek help. When they come to me, most couples are really struggling and are sometimes even on the verge of separating.

Often, they have struggled for years like that. Most couples wait an average of 7 (!) years to seek help. Imagine how much hurt, disconnection and painful moments that must have been.

So the thing I say to my new clients is most often: "I wish you would have come sooner."

Not that we can't work with tough spots, struggles and being stuck in interpersonal dynamics you can't get out of - that is for a big part the essence of couple therapy - but because it would have saved so much hurt.

It prompted me to write this message, since I know there is still a lot wrapped up in seeking support for many people. Maybe you feel shame, maybe you think "you should be able to do this yourself", or you shouldn't be 'dramatic' and muscle through. Whatever your conditioning (and we have a lot of that all together!), know that it is normal to not always have it together as a couple. Life is tough sometimes, and most of us never really learn how to navigate upheaval, conflict and struggle in our relationships.

There is so much you can do and learn in this realm, and so much can shift because of that. I often see it as my mission to provide hope to couples that reach out. In couple sessions you not only learn as a couple about 'you together', but also about yourself and how you view the world.

It can be extremely invigourating and empowering to learn these things, and it can create so much space for love, intimacy and connection with your partner.

So if you are reading this, and things are going 'mweh' in your relationship, and you would like some help figuring out how things can be better, consider me as a great place to tune up your relationship (just like you would your car once a year). Reach out! And of course you are also welcome when things have gotten really tough. That is what I am here for.

Don't wait too long. Come sooner.

You can book your session here (https://calendly.com/anke-11 - online or in person in Arnhem) or simply reach out if you want to share.

Love,
Anke

19/02/2024

I believe that better relationships build a better life, and ultimately a better world.

That’s why I trained as an EFT (emotionally focussed therapy) Couples Therapist - on top of all my Circling, Coaching and relational experience. I love doing this work and seeing people’s relationships transform before my eyes! I also love having better tools to navigate ‘the really sticky stuff’.
People come to me when things have really gotten rough, and they suffer beneath a lack of trust, a lack of intimacy, or confusion about how to find their way back to each other. This can show up as isolation, constant fighting, getting stuck in the same loops with each other, or never being able to really solve something. And, couples also come to me to simply learn, as maintenance for a good relationship they want to make better.
The way I see it (and as is taught in EFT) is that “the relationship is the client” and the people in it have simply been hijacked by a deep pattern, based on their attachment styles. Being in such a pattern - without being able to get out of it - can be deeply painful. It can cause feelings of hopelessness, frustration and exhaustion.
It is so painful, because your partner means so much to you, and this really cuts to the core of who you are.
Becoming aware of the loop you are in with your partner can be so liberating, and is the first step in untangling things. From there you can start creating different patterns.
That’s where I come in. As a neutral third party I create a space safe enough to open up and show parts of yourself you might otherwise keep hidden. In a real way you transform as a individual by doing Couples Therapy.
It feels like an honour to be able to do this work.
And I want to do lots more of it! If you feel touched by this post and could use some support in your relationship: I work locally in Arnhem or via Zoom. Simply reach out to set up a first session.
Details via link in bio.
Love,
Anke

16/12/2023

I just finished my education as EFT therapist!
EFT (emotionally focussed therapy) is a well-renowned and well-researched relationship therapy, based in attachment theory and systemic therapy. It is extremely experiential and focusses on emotions as a gateway to permanent transformation in relationships.
70% of couples report permanent repair of relationship problems, and 90% significant change.
I am very excited to have a stronger foundation in attachment and how to support couples to uncover their dynamics on a much deeper level - and helping them to change them.
I look forward to helping more couples and spreading more love!
❤️ Anke

08/11/2023

"We absolutely loved working with Anke. Her approach made us feel so safe to open up, be vulnerable and work through some really difficult things. She's truly helped us find a deeper connection, build stronger foundations of trust and discover and embed better ways to communicate honestly and compassionately with one another, even after being in a relationship for a number of years. We would 100% recommend working as a couple with Anke, whether you’re looking for some TLC for your relationship or are working through some much more challenging things!”
It is beautiful to receive a testimonial like this - that helps new clients get a sense of what others get from working with me.
It is sometimes hard to put into words myself, so I so appreciate clients taking the time.
As some of you know, I have stepped back from teaching Circling for the time being, and am solely focusing on coaching couples and sensitive people. It is such a delight to focus like this, and it has brought me a deep calm and simplicity. Whenever I tune into where my heart lights up, it is this: helping people have better relationships.
To that end I am also starting my training to become an EFT therapist next week! EFT (emotionally focussed therapy) is a very renowned and well researched modality for couples work. It tackles patterns and long standing dynamics that are in the way of deeper connection in a very effective way. I look forward to learning more about attachment in adult relationships and honing my skills in working with interpersonal dynamics as they happen in the moment.
If you are curious about working with me - you can always book a free, no strings attached, intake session (https://calendly.com/anke-11) and we can connect there.
Love,
Anke

12/09/2023

Are you confusing intensity with love?

That is such a common theme for people that are anxiously attached. I used to be just that - anxiously attached - and every time intense things happened in my nervous system in connection to a man, I thought "this is it, the real love from the movies!" I mean, it had to be that, because it was so intense, right?

Nope. What I was experiencing is nervous system activation. Which is very different from love, because that feels kind of quiet to me (I know now, after many years of learning and healing).

I wrote a blog about this - very important - distinction. It's also about my journey going from anxious attachment and a lot of drama in relationships, to secure attachment, marrying my love, having a beautiful son together and finding deep fulfilment in my relationship.

I'm not saying that was an easy journey and it definitely took time, but it was so incredibly worth it.

Turns out this is my best read blog by far (thanks Wordpress), so I figured I re-post it here as well.

https://connectionlab.nl/2018/08/23/confusing-intensity-with-love/

Are you finding yourself confused, activated and miserable a lot of the time in your relationships? Or are you and your partner struggling with attachment dynamics? (you'll find summary descriptions in the blog)

Book a free intake session with me and we'll explore together if I can support you in finding that same ease, love and real connection as well.

You can do that here: https://calendly.com/anke-11

Love,
Anke

28/07/2023

17/07/2023

"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place".

This is a beautiful, and very fitting, quote from George Bernard Shaw. And it is so true! In my coaching work with couples I see this All. The. Time.

"But that's what I said". "No, that's not what I meant". "You are not getting me".

All ways in which partners are expressing they are not feeling heard, or seen, in what they are trying to communicate.

And let's face it, it sucks when you do not feel understood by your partner.

We often operate under the assumption that once we have said 'the thing', that's it. We've done our part.

But so many things can contribute to you being unclear, or your partner not understanding you.

You can send out mixed messages. You might say one thing and mean something else. You might not be taking responsibility for what you want, or don't want. You might say a lot, but not the thing you *actually* want to say. You might be triggered and therefore suddenly seeing your partner as a threat. You might be distracted. I can go on and on. And where I said 'you' just now, you can also swap that out for 'your partner' and that creates a whole extra layer.

Complex, isn't it?

It does not have to be. It is simply so that most of us have never learnt to communicate well. Strange, when you think of it, because arguably it might be the most important skill in a world filled with... people.

So when you bump into "communication frustrations" in your intimate relationship - the place that also tends to bring out all your 'stuff' - know that is completely normal and human. And also know that you can learn the skills to communicate in a much more clear, conscious and authentic way.

It takes some unpacking. It takes learning about yourself, and your partner; how you operate, how you see the world and how you differ. It takes being honest about your wants and needs, and your boundaries. It takes diving into what is seemingly complex, and make it more simple.

And that, in turn, will create more connection, love and (com)passion in your relationship.

So if you are feeling discouraged, down or depressed about the loops you keep getting stuck in with your partner, do not despair!

Simply book a free, no strings attached, intake conversation with me here (https://calendly.com/anke-11) and let's see if I can help you.

Love,
Anke

PS: on average couples wait 7 (!) years before seeking help with relationship struggles. Let's lower that number and get more couples to thriving 💪💖