So I Say 2 Myself Breathe Sis

19/12/2025

“Do not wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.”

21/11/2025

As we approach year end, let’s check in with ourselves: What have we achieved, what have we learned, and how can we end stronger than we began?

10/11/2025

FYI….. What does a ICD do?

18/10/2025

09/10/2025

5 Things That Make So Much Sense ‼️

20/04/2025

So Lately, I been having some good and bad days, where my feet, toes and fingers would start swelling out of the blue. Walking a distance and talking or holding a conversation you can clearly hear me gasping for air. Off and on my body tends to retain water but, I have a separate medication for that, which I try not to take unless I really have to. My bad days are worst at night for some reason.
Which is still confusing because like I said before it’s not like I am doing too much or over working myself, but my doctor explained at night is like my heart is trying to catch up to helping my body settle down and sometimes my heart can drop lower than it should. (That’s where the device comes in when you start to feel lil vibrations).

Following week I visited one of the nurses that deals directly with heart failure patients and she did a general checked up and everything was and still is stable. We spoke about having heart failure itself…….. but like I said from day one I been researching and doing my own reading on everything possible about heart failure and my symptoms. So most of the things she was telling me I already knew about. Plus my doctors and nurses in St.Maarten was super helpful and open to answering all questions I had, good and bad.

So, at this point nothing that I am hearing is new to me. One thing I commend my new doctors for is that they want to hear what their patient has to say. Sometimes in these situations it’s good to know YOU HAVE A SAY! And that is something the social worker told us at all our meetings. The doctors will explain or tell you what’s on the agenda and you always have a say whether you want to or not.

It was the end of that week and It was a lot going on and I needed a break mentally, emotionally and physically, so that weekend I was sent home and met up with some family and friends and enjoyed every second of those days.
The following week I was back at it again with continuation of testing and monitoring.
The doctor came in and updated and refilled my medication, we checked my ICD Machine and then we discuss a few things leading up to the transition from St.Maarten to the Netherlands.

I was sent to the Netherlands by my medical insurance (SZV) and listen to ME….. They only help for a certain period of time, so after getting all my results and paper work in order that I would have to make this transition and go on the heart transplant list. I had a few months’ time period to get my priorities in order. SZV provided a daily allowance, a social worker, and a temporary place to stay to help you with the transition.

27/03/2025

The entire screening process before knowing if you are eligible for a heart transplant can take up to 3-6 months.

Here’s a little “Need to Know”.

The nurse specialist will inform you about the tests you will receive during the screening. Most tests are done on an outpatient basis and are spread over several visits. Depending on the severity of your symptoms and how strenuous some of the tests are for you, the screening period may be longer or shorter.
Many examinations are done because they want to make sure that you do not have any other major conditions that would prevent a heart transplant.

Here are the following examinations that take place:
* • blood tests
* • ultrasound of the heart
* • cardiac ultrasound (ecg)
* • cardiac catheterization
* • exercise ECG
* • pulmonary function study
* • examination of urine and stool
* • various x-ray examinations
* • various ultrasound examinations

Results of a screening test may require further testing. The results of some blood tests may take three months.

Other parts of the screening include:
* • checkup by the dentist;
* • conversation with the medical social worker;
* • discussion with the dietician;
* • checkup with another specialist.
For example, if you are known to have diabetes, you will also see an ophthalmologist and a neurologist for check-ups.

So after nearly 3 months we have concluded the first half of the screening process, and we sat down with Dr. C.

Dr. C explained that yes indeed the heart is very weak, I can’t do as much physically or over work myself as a person with a 100% working heart but, she have seen how I handle myself in certain situations and notice that I am willing to push myself.

She said that after all the testing I am eligible to go on the heart transplant list for next year. There are no alarming issues too worrying about right now, the heart is stable once I stay on my medication.
🙏🏽

My condition it’s not life treating right now so if I need time to sort out anything before going on the list she will give me time to do that.

She said I don’t have to put on the LVAD…. THANK GODDDDD!!!!!! I can stay with the ICD for now, BUT if I have any pain, any complains, no matter how small please come right in.

09/03/2025

We had that WHAT IF question from the social worker and I decided I will do it when I am ready, when will that be I don’t know but I know I will do it when the time is right for me.
When I am mentally there and ready to have that conversation with myself first, then I can have it with others.
The social worker ended the conversation there and said we would talk again in a week or so….. At that point she can clearly see all the emotions and expressions that we wasn’t ready to have the conversation.

That gut feeling of never knowing what will happen next is the worst. That’s why I will always choose to live life like every day is my last. There are literally no warning signs to prepare you for what will happen and when it will happen.

The following day one of the nurses came in to tell me she had good news for me……. I could of go home for the weekend and be with my partner and baby jay 🙌🏾🎉🙌🏾. I wasted no time to get ready and packed and I left so fast 🤣💨
The good thing is that everything is walking distance so it was only a 4min walk back to the apartment. I reached home and was welcomed with hugs and kisses and snuggles. We enjoyed the weekend and had 2 close friends over for some drinks and snacks and that’s all I needed at that time. When they left we video called the kids and they told us about their day. Weekend was over and Sunday night I was back in the hospital and first thing in the morning we were back to testing. I then had another allergic reaction to the blasted patches.

The following week I was sent home and then they said we will do the rest testing via outpatient clinic, which meant I didn’t need to stay in the hospital any more. I come for testing and then go back home. That same day I was getting ready to leave we sat with the social worker again and the conversation went much better than the first time, she herself was pleased that we talked finally and we had sound more unified than the first time. She told us she made in her notes that we weren’t ready and was confused about everything by that was going on, But this time around she was happy to see we made progress with the real reality of it all.

Friday afternoon I sat down with my doctor and she discussed with me how the testing was going and what conclusion they came up with moving forward.

20/02/2025

The nurse continue to explain about the do’s and don’ts of the device, how the wound would need to be cleaned daily, and how there’s a lot of things especially when it come to water that you won’t be able to do anymore.

Here are some very important questions to ask in this case, but honestly, I was so lost for words. Like I said before I been working hard on my mental state and how I react to any news good or bad so this right here had thrown me for a loop.

* • Will I need to take any medication?
* • How will the VAD affect my daily routine?
* • Can I exercise with a VAD?
* • Can I travel with a VAD?
* • Will I need to take blood thinners with a VAD?
* • How do I take care of the line coming out of my chest or abdomen?
* • Is blood pressure important?
* • Can I drive with a VAD?
* • Can I shower or swim with a VAD?
* • What about intimacy?

The social worker continued to explained about the role that my partner would play in all of this….
Only God knows how much information was coming and how fast reality was really hitting at the time.

Now listen to me I literally blank out because after seeing the device and reading a few pages from the book, I already said to myself I can’t do this, for one split second reality became very real for me, and for those who knows me know I don’t show much emotions, so I was holding back a lot till I started to get sick to my stomach.

I could see the social worker talking but by god I couldn’t hear nothing she was saying. I snap myself out of it and told myself “Nothing is Never What It Seems… (Remember when I dreamed my dad) Those was his words to me in my dream.….. (Just remember Fabie nothing is never what it seems).

The social worker continued talking and then turned and asked us That big bad question……
WHAT IF???

I turned and watched her like what you mean WHAT IF???

She said did you have the talk with you support team, family, friends, and partner about WHAT IF……

Nowwwwwwww LISTENNNN to me when I say, I wasn’t ready for that and I told her NOPE I DIDN’T and honestly it wasn’t something on my list to do right now.
She explained that it is something that is needed and should be done.

My anxiety started up and my heart rate went through the roof, the device I had on at the time to monitor my beats was beeping and I guess she notice because she changed the conversation one time and told us it is something we should discuss or find my own way to do it.

Through all of this I can’t see myself leaving my kids, I can’t wrap that part around my head at all. So even though that conversation needs to be put on the table I need a minute to gather all of this in one bubble.