Alina Damari - Counsellor

24/08/2022

I would say it takes more time, attention and emotional energy to deal with unmet needs 💖

18/08/2022

Graphic credit: KidsConnect Psychology

18/08/2022

🧡Please visit the link in our profile to learn more about Somatic Experiencing.
Repost by
A common misconception when learning how to regulate our nervous systems is that regulation means being “calm”. And this isn’t actually the case.
Even if we seem “calm”, it doesn’t always mean we are in the present moment. If we’re calm in the sense that we feel safe, at ease and in the present moment, we are experiencing what’s called our Ventral Vagal Complex of the Parasympathetic nervous system. This is great, and…. we also want to still have access to the other states of mobilization or immobilization….. we just don’t want to get stuck there.

So you can think of regulation as the ability to experience stressors and still come back down to baseline, aka the present moment, shortly after. An example of what this might look like is if you’re stuck in traffic running late to an appointment. You may be anxious, flustered, and your heart may be racing. But once you arrive to your destination, your heart rate settles and your tension softens. This is how our bodies can move in and out of stressors in a healthy way.

Similarly, if we were camping and suddenly a bear came into our campground, we’d want to be able to mobilize (run) to safety and hide somewhere safe. But what happens in our early life when the bear is a parent that comes home drunk every night? Or a caregiver that is consistently unavailable for us, or makes us feel like we are a burden? Then, our little system stays on high alert all the time.

This is how we can end up stuck in places that leave us hyper-vigilant, anxious, or avoidant, or shut down.

The goal here is not to measure how often we can make ourselves calm, but rather, how we can begin to experience more and more safety and presence following stressful moments.

Our nervous systems are not designed for perfection, but for flexibility ❤️

You can begin with simply noticing your surroundings more and more throughout your day. Look around, where are you? What do you notice when you look around? How do you feel in your body when you notice those things?
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11/08/2022

I also have to turn down the radio so I can see where to park the car 😂💖

28/07/2022

Such a brilliant video from a fellow colleague 🥰 https://youtu.be/b3rj9nUv0Qg

A video explaining the concept of neurodiversity using Lego.

23/06/2022

As clients move through their therapeutic journeys, we as therapists also move through our own journeys. As our practice evolves sometimes changes are needed. I have the great privilege of being a part of New Zealand's neurodiverse community and working with neurodiverse people as the majority of my client base. It was a natural and authentic unfolding of my practice and so I decided I needed a logo change to signify the direction I am heading.

The infinity symbol is universal in the recognition of autism, but more recently it has been adapted by all neurodiverse people to signify the vastness, variety and individual experience of neurodiversity in our community. So I brainstormed together with the team at Lost Customs Cosplay and Spfx Makeup to come up with this beautiful new log. It features the diversity and beauty of the infinity sign with the growth and change that people experience in their therapeutic journeys.

If you are looking at rebranding or idea's for your next logo please support local artist Lost Customs Cosplay and Spfx Makeup. I am always over the moon with their quality of work and customer service.

14/06/2022

It's ok to say and do these things 🙂

13/06/2022

13/06/2022

I have enjoyed this book so much and have had such good feedback from it. I am able to now stock this book so I will have copies on hand to give to clients :D If you would like a copy please feel free to send me a message or email me.

07/06/2022

I recently found this beautiful resource. "I am Autistic" is a wonderful resource for autistics to discover their uniqueness and to help those around them to be understanding and supportive. While it is targeted to women or those assigned female at birth, there is relevance for everyone diagnosed or not in this book. There are also aspects of ADHD such as object permanence and executive functioning which I am sure some will find helpful :)

27/05/2022

A wonderful illustration on boundaries 💖

No is Yes. 😊

A cartoon from last year, but true today (and always).

❤️

Molly
Cartooning the Boundaries
Http://boundaried.com

16/04/2022

ACTIVATE YOUR VAGUS NERVE

The Vagus Nerve is the brain’s method of controlling the parasympathetic nervous system – the rest and digest system. It is not the only nerve controlling our ability to decrease stressors, but it is by far the single most important nerve due to its far reaching effects. The word “vagus” means wanderer, as this nerve wanders throughout the body to many important organs and imparts signals from the brain regarding their level of function.

This nerve connects the brain to the gut (intestines and stomach), heart, liver, pancreas, gallbladder, kidney, ureter, spleen, lungs, s*x organs (in females), neck (pharynx, larynx and esophagus), ears and the tongue. No other nerve in the body has such a broad and far reaching effect as the Vagus Nerve.

FUNCTIONS:
• In the brain, the vagus helps control anxiety and depression.
• In the gut, it increases stomach acidity, digestive juices, and gut flow.
• In the heart, it controls heart rate variability, heart rate, and blood pressure. Vagus activation will lower the risk for heart disease and stroke.
• In the liver and pancreas, it helps controls glucose store and balance.
• In the gallbladder, it helps release bile, which can help you get rid of toxins and break down fat.

Vagus nerve stimulation has the potential to help those suffering from various health conditions, including but certainly not limited to anxiety disorders, heart disease, some forms of cancer, poor circulation, leaky gut syndrome, alzheimer’s, memory and mood disorders, migraine’s and headaches, fibromyalgia, obesity, tinnitus, addiction, autism and autoimmune conditions.

So how can we stimulate this nerve to ensure that this nerve is functioning optimally? Here are a few ways you can exercise and stimulate your vagus nerve:

COLD SHOWERS
Any acute cold exposure will increase vagus nerve stimulation. Studies have shown that when your body adjusts to cold, your fight or flight (sympathetic) system declines and your rest and digest (parasympathetic) system increases, which is mediated by the vagus nerve.

MASSAGE
You can manually stimulate your vagus nerve by massaging several areas. A foot massage can stimulate vagus nerve activity, as can massaging your neck. A neck massage along the carotid sinus (the right side of your throat near where you check your pulse) can also stimulate the vagus nerve.

YOGA
Yoga increases vagus nerve activity and your parasympathetic system in general.
A 12-week yoga intervention was associated with greater improvements in mood and anxiety than a control group who just did walking exercises. The study found increased thalamic GABA levels, which were associated with improved mood and decreased anxiety.

BREATHING TECHNIQUES
Deep breathing is always relaxing to your body, but you can use other breathing techniques to stimulate your vagus nerve. Alternate nostril breathing or yogic breathing is a great way to stimulate the vagus nerve. Another breathing technique that you may never have tried is inhaling deeply and then closing your airway while pushing your breath against the inside of your chest and bearing down with your abdominal muscles (like you are trying to pass gas). This method of applying internal pressure from the lungs out to the surrounding organs stimulates the vagus nerve as it connects your heart, spleen, lungs, stomach, and small intestines.

14/04/2022

Science keeps telling us to our children. It's interesting how many scientists are now focusing on the thinking that happens not in your but in your . You have spread through your innards, and there's increasing attention on the vagus nerve, which emerges from the brain stem and wanders across the heart, lungs, kidney and gut.

The nerve is one of the pathways through which the body and brain talk to each other in an unconscious conversation. Much of this conversation is about how we are relating to others. Human thinking is not primarily about individual calculation, but about social engagement and .

Stephen Porges is well-known for his “Polyvagal Theory,” which focuses on how the concept of is fundamental to our mental state. Porges tells us that those who have experienced have bodies that are highly reactive to perceived threat. They don't like public places with loud noises. They live in fight-or-flight mode, stressed and anxious. Or, if they feel trapped and constrained, they go numb. Their voice and tone go flat.

Physical reactions shape our way of seeing and being. When we're really young we know few emotion concepts. Young children say, “I hate you!” when they mean “I don't like this” because they haven't learned their culture's concepts for hatred vs. badness. But as we get older we learn more emotional granularity. The emotionally wise person can create distinct experiences of disappointment, anger, spite, resentment, grouchiness and aggravation, whereas for a less emotionally wise person those are all synonyms for “I feel bad.” A wise person may know the foreign words that express emotions we can't name in English: tocka (Russian, roughly, for spiritual anguish) or litost (Czech, roughly, for misery combined with the hunger for revenge). People with high emotional granularity respond flexibly to life, have better mental health outcomes and drink less.

Cuddles help develop emotional granularity. If bodily reactions can drive people apart they can also heal. Martha Welch of Columbia University points to the importance of loving physical touch to lay down markers of .

Under the old brain-only paradigm, we told people to self-regulate their emotions through conscious self-talk. But real emotional help comes through co-regulation. When a caregiver and a child physically hold each other, their bodily autonomic states harmonise, connecting on a level. Together they move from separate distress to mutual calm.

When we step back and see the brain and body thinking together, the old distinction between reason and emotion doesn't seem to make sense. Our very perceptions of the world are shaped by the predictions our brains are making about our physical autonomic states. And we can also see how important it is to teach emotional granularity, starting from birth.

https://cstu.io/853e81

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14/04/2022

AUTONOMY IS A NEED

"The more control children have in their lives, the less they look to control the things they can't. That's why it's not really about "the red plate," it's about getting to make their own choice. Autonomy is one cup that young children need filled regularly and making choices is one way they fulfil that need."
—J. Milburn

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14/04/2022

The reason implementing boundaries can be so difficult is because nobody wants the conflict that often ensues.

We all know that fulfilling parenting is less about ‘𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦?’ but, especially while we’ve got far too much on our 𝘰𝘸𝘯 plate, it’s too easy for our big ego to step in and insist ‘𝘐’𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘦’.

Regardless of the issue, we insist that the same blanket-rule should apply, but it's that inflexibility and rigidity that can dismantle all our ‘peaceful parenting’ dreams, in a heartbeat.

Here’s 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘧𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 between a child who works 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 you, and not 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 you.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙧 𝙖𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙙𝙚 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙢 𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗮 𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙢𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙢.

Here are 𝟱 𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗲𝗳𝘂𝗹, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗲𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲, 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 with your kids!

𝟭) 𝗧𝘂𝗻𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀

If your child hates setting the table, is it SO important?
Can they do another task and 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 be helpful?
Having a sense of '𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳' in the proceedings; rather than being overpowered; is key to avoiding combat.

𝟮) 𝗠𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗶𝗺𝗲

Give children notice around those points, offering countdowns wherever possible; i.e. 10 more mins, 5, 2 and 1.

𝟯) 𝗛𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗟𝗟𝗬 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂?

Don’t assume that, because your child is nodding, that they’ve heard you; when they just want you off their back, they’re not really tuned in.
Ask them to look up, and at you, and to repeat to you.

𝟰) 𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲 ‘𝗖𝗵𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗩𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲’

Yes, children may want it their ‘own way’, but they probably don’t like fighting any more than you do.
So, BEFORE the trigger point arises, explain your concern, then ask for 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 input. It's always going to be easier to implement boundaries that your child’s agreed to already.

𝟱) 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗪𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗹𝗲-𝗥𝗼𝗼𝗺!

There's a lot of power in a little negotiation! If agreeing to two more minutes is the difference between a meltdown or not, it's not you 'giving in'.

Boundaries make for security, predictability and consistency; all very useful for children who’ve lived with a great deal of uncertainty in recent times; but they don’t have to be an electric fence!

💥 Brought to you by one of Neurochild's Brain Trust, Jo Stockdale with Well Within Reach
For the full post, visit:
https://cstu.io/c2465c

31/03/2022

Boundaries

As I walked through the kitchen on my way out the front door, I playfully swatted my then thirteen year old on the rear....and said " have a great time and see you later."

"Don't do that please."

I paused.....backed up.....and replied "don't do what?"

"Don't hit me on the butt, I don't like it."

I am great at laying boundaries.
I previously worked as a school counselor where I taught a group for kids on boundaries.
Boundaries are one of the first things I teach my clients as a therapist.
Boundaries teach us how to love each other well.
I LOVE boundaries.

Yet still.....my daughter laying a boundary with me regarding her body felt.....uncomfortable.

I literally felt my body squirm with an urge to respond.

I couldn't quite pin it down, but I knew receiving a boundary from my daughter made me want to explain myself.

It made me want to tell her why she should be okay with her Mom giving her a quick love pat.

It made me want to gaslight her into feeling silly that she would need a boundary with her own Mom.

Those were just parts of me. Parts that were raised in a home where as children, we didn't get to have boundaries. Parts that are still reeling from laying her own boundaries with parents.

All they knew was this didn't feel right.

I knew the right answer....so I responded with "I'm so sorry, and thank you for telling me, I will work to break that habit."

Then I got busy attending to my own wounds.
I attended to each part that struggled to receive the boundary.

I paid close attention to what each part was saying, so that I could have a deeper understanding to how they believed they were protecting me and how they behaved when they held that belief.

Then I got busy taking really good care of those wounds/parts.

That is my work to do. Not my daughter's.

My daughter's job is to decide what feels comfortable to her and what doesn't.

Her job is to establish limits to let others know who she is, what she values, and how she is to be treated.

Then, her job is to get comfortable speaking her truth.

That starts with us. We are the guinea pigs.

How can our children get comfortable setting and speaking boundaries if they don't have the opportunity to practice?

Establishing boundaries helps to keep our children safe and protects their mental health.

So...if you haven't already, get busy helping your child learn how to determine what limits they need, and then help them practice laying those boundaries through role play or through real boundaries needed as they grow into a teen.

Notice your discomfort.....pause......curiosity....compassion.

We will take good care of all your parts later......and for now, remember a huge part of our job is to help keep our kids safe.

That starts at home.

Don't let your old stories get in the way.