25/11/2025
Research shows that many parents yell not because they’re “mean”… but because their nervous system has never learned safety.
They’re not being dramatic.
They’re not overreacting.
They’re not “losing it for no reason.”
They’re overwhelmed. And they’re asking, in the only language their body knows,
“Please help me feel safe.”
Because here’s the truth:
When a parent is shouting,
voice rising, chest tightening, hands shaking,
heart racing faster than their thoughts,
their brain isn’t choosing anger.
It’s losing regulation.
Their mind is learning:
“I don’t know how to stay calm under stress.”
“My body feels threatened.”
“I need relief and control, fast.”
“This feels like survival.”
And practicing that truth often looks like
yelling before they can think, slamming things down harder than intended, or collapsing into guilt once the storm has passed.
🧠 According to polyvagal research (Porges, 2011), yelling is often the body’s fight response, a physiological reaction when the nervous system senses danger, not a moral failing.
When safety was inconsistent in childhood, the body learns to stay alert, not calm.
When we grow up around dysregulation, criticism, or emotional unpredictability,
the brain doesn’t learn how to soothe.
It learns hypervigilance.
And neuroscience adds:
Regulation is co-regulation first.
A nervous system learns calm through presence, warmth, breath, and safety not fear.
You cannot learn calm in an environment that never modeled it.
This means:
Their triggers are real. Their reactions are real.
Their difficulty staying grounded is real.
Their body is asking for safety, not shame.
And here’s the beautiful part:
Every time a parent slows down, even for two seconds, like a breath, a pause, a softened voice, they are rewiring their brain toward regulation.
🧠 Research on neuroplasticity shows that repeated moments of repair, attunement, and self-awareness strengthen the pathways for emotional control, resilience, and empathy (Cozolino, 2014; Schore, 2012).
But when we confuse yelling with “being strict,”
or believe calm is something only “natural” parents have, we miss the truth:
Calm is not a personality trait.
Calm is a skill that most of us were never taught.
Why does this matter?
Because the way we handle our hardest moments becomes the emotional blueprint our children inherit.
Will their inner voice say:
“I’m scary when I’m upset.”
“No one stays when I lose control.”
“My emotions push people away.”
Or will it say:
“I can feel big things and still come back to calm.”
“I’m safe, even when I struggle.”
“I can repair, reconnect, and try again.”
Parenting is not about never yelling.
It’s about noticing sooner, repairing quicker,
and building safety in the places where fear used to live.
You’re not raising a child who fears anger.
You’re raising a child who understands it,
because they watched you learn to understand your own.
One pause, one breath,
one gentle repair at a time. 🤍
References:
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation.
• Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Developing Mind.
• Cozolino, L. (2014). The Neuroscience of Human Relationships.
• Yehuda, R. et al. (2016). “Intergenerational transmission of trauma effects.” American Journal of Psychiatry.
