03/08/2025
𝐔𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐲
What is therapy about and how is this supposed to help me? – many people ask this question when deciding whether to invest their time and money in regular psychotherapy meetings, which extend over months and even years rather than weeks. Initially, there’s usually hesitation, scepticism or anxiety; only after you have hit a proverbial wall and can’t cope on your own, do you feel that you need the help of a specialist.
𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬
The answer begins with a definition. There are tons of them, but they all have one key feature in common. Psychotherapy is a method of collaborative treatment (or, if you prefer, personal development) based on a RELATIONSHIP. Through psychological interventions, we work together to achieve the changes the client (or patient, if you prefer) wants to make to live an easier, and more fulfilling life. And that keyword, relationship (rapport), is paramount here. Without this, you won’t move forward or grow in therapy sessions. In fact, you can do yourself damage and reinforce detrimental patterns, and, to make matters worse, discourage yourself from seeking this form of help.
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
A common question in the session goes: What should I do? (Please solve my problem). It’s a natural need to ask this question. When you go to a specialist with an issue, you expect them to solve it. But in psychotherapy, the matter is a bit more complicated. Because the solution, the cure, is a path that everyone must discover, walk, and experience on THEIR OWN, and all of this should take place in a supportive relationship.
𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬
The vast majority of mental health problems stem from childhood, when a person established their first, most important, exemplary bond, which shaped their later relationships and also formed the foundation of their personality. In short, if in your first close relationship, most often with your parents- mother especially, something (a lot) went wrong—your needs were regularly neglected—you may have grown into an adult who cannot fully take care of themselves. And to compensate for this deficit, you need to be again in a relationship that will enable you corrective experience. This relationship must be healthy, based on clearly defined rules, predictable, and accepting. A healthy therapist’s personality also plays a significant role here, because whether we like it or not, during therapy, you internalize the therapist, meaning you carry them at the back of your mind as a support in difficult everyday situations and as a point of reference, sometimes even an authority. This relationship allows for the re-creation of childhood defense mechanisms, which were intended to help the child survive all the struggles of the past, but in adulthood, they aren’t necessarily useful- they may cause more harm than good.
𝐈𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝
In general, a whole host of so-called symptoms with which patients come to the office stem from stepping into the child’s shoes. You fear rejection, you lose your temper a lot, you like to take revenge, you passively wait for the other to guess what you need in the moment, you are scared and helpless etc. These are all child-like behaviors. And your inner child must first feel safe in the office, with another person, before they can expose their vulnerable self and take in from the therapist what they had been missing. They will have a new, corrective experience. They will be able to be bold and re-learn how to regulate emotions, how to set boundaries, how to make decisions, how to withstand uncertainty and make sense of complexities in people’s character. And also to relive past baggage, because after all, they are already adults and capable of bearing/processing the burden of the past.
None of this will happen if there is no relationship, trust, and diving under the surface is just impossible. You won’t benefit from certain interventions because they might be too difficult, and you will run away eventually and never dare to try new ways of behaviour.
𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐲
That’s why it’s so important to choose a therapist whom you trust and who creates the right atmosphere. Who attracts you with something you long for. Who understands you. Who speaks a lot or not, who is specific and sharp or warm and gentle. Energetic or calm. A woman or a man. Each to their own. As young people say, there has to be a 'vibe’ between you and the therapist. Some clients are too polite to follow their gut and remain stuck in an unsuccessful therapeutic relationship. Their frustration and discouragement with psychotherapy grows- a method which, in fact, has a very high and proven effectiveness.
𝐑𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐭, 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐭
Last but not least, no bond will develop unless the sessions are regular. Only after making a commitment to yourself to attend a session once a week can a therapeutic relationship develop. How long does it take? It varies from person to person. With high motivation, it can happen as quickly as two months. However, with more inhibited persons, it takes longer and that’s ok.
We could go on and on about how psychotherapy works and what benefits it brings. But the most important thing is that it’s not the specific exercises, therapeutic tools, or pre-made scripts that will have a healing effect on you. Change will begin to happen as if suddenly. It will be difficult to pinpoint when and what happened. This is a common observation— I don’t know how exactly, but something changed, it’s easier now. And that’s the point. The bruised subconscious has received the attention and care it needed and no longer needs to manifest in symptoms. Attention and care both from the therapist and the client.
