Sonia's Space (2026)

07/01/2022

Today has been rough as contains triggers. My mom found some of my old sleeping pills that i would use during the time when she’s off to work so that i could just sleep and feel the never-ending buzzing about food, my constant debilitating hunger and this monster that never leaves me and just gos on and on and on regarding how big i am getting. Why does everyday have to be like this? It’ a constant massacre and it the end i slowly, but surely loose everything that I once had: family, friends, joy, laugh. I do not want to live live this, but losing my ugly, ill core is symbolic to me just going P**F. How i longer to the most precious and simplest times.

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01/01/2022

Happy New Year! I truly wish everyone the best year yet and I wholeheartedly hope that we will all find one thing each day that can put a smile on our face! ☺️ For me today it was my mom and my puppy 🥰 Not to sound like a broken record, but let’s just say I will not spew all the negativity that I felt seeing that today ought to be a new beginning and all 😋 I do have to say that New Year anxiety and all the expectations associated with it are REAL 🥸🤪 I did, however, find something incredibly pleasant to distract myself with… I wanna go on a real vacation this year! With all the shenanigans- be comfortable to wear a bathing suit, swim in the ocean, have fun on the beach, read books, relax with my mom and see her unwind… and breath… just BREATH freely! What do you want to experience this year? 🥳

❤️ #2022

31/12/2021

Yesterday was a really tough one regardless of the fact that even though I felt off as soon as I woke up, I showered, cleaned my room, had coffee, smiled. Then I burst into tears and all I wanted to do was sleep and escape the negative, hateful feelings that I was experiencing. I kind of blame it on the fact that the night before I was browsing instagram posts hashtagged with ED recovery and they were all so positive and encouraging to the point that I just felt they were all so fake. That is MY point of view in the mindset that I am atm. I wholeheartedly wish to all people to feel so positive and care-free, motivated. To me it just felt off and I was left feeling perplexed. Am I so messed up that I can’t see the world like that? I mean, sure there are moments when I feel so driven and wanting to be floating on cloud 9, but I have come to experience far too often that the fall from this lovely cloud hurts SO. DAMN. MUCH! I am scared. I am scared to feel happy and well and I want to be honest. I make my edits colorful and happy, because that and drawing and doing jigsaw puzzles is about as much happiness that I can handle. I write my posts mostly to bring awareness and to show people what an ED is. Continued in comments…

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28/12/2021

Meh… nothing new here except some additional grams thanks to all the food around me. It’s truly sickening how hungry and uncontrollable I get around food these days and then the regret steeps in. Those with ED probably understand. I haven’t purged in a very long time and I don’t want to go back down that rabbit hole again, I will rather have a couple extra kilos and feel the shame than having to struggle with that monster. It’s tough sitting still after a meal and not think about… UGH!!! Whatever… I binge watch grey’s these days as I feel like my ‘balls’ would freeze off outside, but I do occasionally venture there and almost feel icicles forming 🤦🏼‍♀️🤪 being up here in the cottage is soothing, yet it doesn’t erase my brain. The struggle is real whether I am in a castle, in freakin Hawaii, in winter wonderland. Mental illness is a true b*tch that holds on to you like an annoying tick 🙄

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16/05/2021

Well… my beloved Lottie makes me smile and helps me cope with rough times. She has such hilarious personality, so I MUST share pics with you. I edited so many funny ones, but I could only post 10! 🤦🏼‍♀️😂 She has about a gazillion chill out spots through the apartment, when I do something, such as write down recipes, she absolutely has to be present. She. Is. The. BEST! We love her very very much! ❤️ Enjoy!

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12/05/2021

I have been having pretty rough days lately. COVID or no COVID, my mood has been down. After the on Sunday, I have had such a hard time coping with my situation. It’s horrible that getting to 35kg made me euphoric, then the next day I was up to 36… I felt like the biggest failure, I felt so much shame and pain. I knowingly gave myself laxatives to reduce my weight. KNOWINGLY! Just a day after I walked for those, who can’t even walk! I feared all and any food today. I feel as those every calorie laughs in my face. I feel that anything I do is not enough, wrong or simply pointless. I mean… I know life can be happy, I know it’s up to me… i just can’t stop. I don’t know why, but I just can’t! This is what got me thinking, maybe that’s why anorexia is a disease, because it has such power over me. I don’t want anyone’s pity, but I need to see the scale numbers to move downwards to feel at least a bit excitement. I mean, how horrible is that? What kind of a freak am I? I… I… I just don’t know how much more fight I have left in me…

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10/05/2021

Forgot to post the most important part!!! Just proves how wiped I was yesterday… 😎🤦🏼‍♀️ anorexiasoldier

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09/05/2021

Wow. What a day today’s been. It started with me freezing my a** off for an hour (6-7am), because I took Lottie out for a walk, but I forgot to take my keys… Long story short- I recalled my mom’s phone number and a kind lady let me borrow her phone and call my mom, so that she would let me in. Today was also mother’s day and I honestly don’t know what I would do without mine. I probably wouldn’t be here. It wasn’t always a smooth ride, but every bump on the road has made our relationship stronger. My godmother gave me a gift for christmas- a registration for . I couldn’t run, but boy, did I walk for the cause, also having eating disorder people on my mind, since there are many of ‘us’ that aren’t allowed to do such activities. It made me really think hard how I am allowing myself be my greatest enemy. Proof of this is that today, my weight dropped to 35. I was so happy. I am such a stupid cow! Ironically, every step that I took today made me more fragile. Realizing that I was not as unfortunate as many people out there who would do anything to take that one single step. I am my own enemy and I can’t seem to persuade myself to want to get better. I am so tired… today was a rough one for sure, but I am glad that I took part in such a great cause. Thank you again for letting me run/walk.

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02/05/2021

Hello hello hello! I’ve had a coyple of good days, long walks helped me the most. AND the company, of course! My baby Lottie, my niece and nephew, mom, bro, sis-in-law… We went to the ZOO on Friday and it was so much fun! On the shadier side, I managed not to eat anything until 4pm and walked 20,000 steps. Tragically, it made me happy. Yesterday was pretty gloomy food-wise. I ate what seemed like a mountain of food, yet rationally I know I ate the appropriate amount. Had nightmares about throwing up and being disgustingly fat. So nights have been pretty rough for me lately. I went to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, we talked a lot, which helped, but it’s more like a routine really. I mean I KNOW everything that I ought to do, but I just simply don’t want to get better and I want to lose weight and it’s all that I think about. I baked fruit cups for my doc and his nurse, she said they were delicious and that she ate them all in one sitting 😂 it really made me happy ☺️❤️ Also, an update on my COVID status- my vaccination is working. Now I have to wait inly 4 more weeks for the second dose, then two extra weeks to allow it to do all its magic and then I am ready and set to travel to Nepal. I am feeling pretty optimistic that they could help me persuade my brain that life can be truly nice, happy and simply, good!

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26/04/2021

Hey guys! So, after a long loooong time, I am back. I have received quite a few messages inquiring about my well being, frankly, asking of I was still alive, so rest assured, I am. Yesterday was a first good day after what seemed like the longest period of doom. I saw my sweet nephew and niece, my brother and sister-in-law and my grandma. It was super sweet. When it comes to my health, my doctors have stabilized my weight (with the supplemental nutridrinks and pills) at 37 kilos. I have been purging much less as before (I couldn’t keep even water down, because it was causing me panic attacks that I am gaining weight. The less harm I do to my body consciously, the more happens unconsciously- i have dreams about purging and gaining weight, it’s terrible really. My hair has been falling out so much and overall I am so over this bu****it. I have decided to try the road less traveled and give Ayurveda a chance. There is a clinic in Nepal that has treated patients with my diagnosis, so that’s the next plan. However, due to COVID it’s all complicated. I have to be vaccinated to travel and even though I have received my vaccine 5 weeks ago, very ahead of my age group due to my health status, my body simply isn’t creating antibodies and we are unsure what to do next. In the meantime I am trying to keep sane by making tutu skirts, cuddle blankies, baking, decorating gingerbread cookies (xmas), flower wreaths, etc. I just wish I had some income 🙄😔 staying positive seems to be the most important thing right now

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24/10/2020

Happy halloween! Anxiety= spontaneous pumpkin carving! ☺️🤪🤷🏼‍♀️

24/10/2020

Happy halloween! Anxiety= spontaneous pumpkin carving! ☺️🤪🤷🏼‍♀️

Sonia's Space

07/01/2022

01/01/2022

31/12/2021

28/12/2021

16/05/2021

12/05/2021

10/05/2021

09/05/2021

02/05/2021

26/04/2021

24/10/2020

24/10/2020

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