10/25/2024
Good morning.
I am struggling to stay afloat. For a while I was swimming, then I was doing the doggy paddle, which turned into treading water, and now I’m sinking.
I have been mentally drained for some time, and while I have repeatedly said “I am tired” to people over and over, it doesn’t seem to have clicked until this week.
I am not just physically tired. I am done. I have carried the weight of trauma for the entirety of my life, I have fought to be heard for the entirety of my life, I have fought to be someone I can’t be for the entirety of my
Life.
I have no idea who I am, what I want to be once the trauma is gone- and it is scary. I have been working so hard to be whole, get healthy, and it’s almost there and it’s scary.
I have my grief to work through and that is beyond any pain I can handle- it makes me angry, it makes me fearful, and on top of that- the situation at home with my mom with no help from the siblings is excruciating.
Grief is brutal. Not only am I grieving the many people I have lost in my life, but, I’m grieving the life I have always wanted. The life I was brutally cheated out of. The life I dreamed of and the life I am still so angry that I never got to live.
I have sought out a purpose in this ridiculous body of mine and have yet to find something I CAN do. I am filled with rage, filled with sadness, filled with so many varying degrees of emotions that it consumes me and drains me constantly.
I have an hour of PT twice a week on top of all of this.
I AM TIRED. I don’t have the energy to carry anyone anymore. I can barely carry myself.
If you read this far: thank you. That means something. I have been fluctuating in/out of su*cdal ide*tions for a couple weeks now. My brain falls into cycles where it just tells me over and over to do it. In those moments, I’m no longer thinking clearly. I’m just in another realm of myself. It’s a hard battle to stay present; yes, my therapist and med team are aware. There are plans in place. However, this is America. The mental health system here is s**t.
All I ask of anyone is to be kind, be patient, and to send good vibes, prayers, and all that you believe in.
I also want to make something clear: just because someone is laughing, smiling, and acting a fool on the outside does not mean a thing. No one knows how someone is feeling internally. Never assume you know what’s going on in someone’s head.
Always,
Kirah
