12/20/2023
Last week I started radiation. 8 weeks out from chemo. For those of you that don’t know Radiation is generally a 15 minute appointment every day for at least three weeks. The goal with this treatment is to prevent the reoccurrence from happening in my breast. Possible side effects Include: burns, scarring, heart defects, hyper pigmentation of the skin, brain fog, fatigue, and increased risk for fractures.
Many of these side effects do not become apparent for quite some time.
Strangely, I felt more emotion going into my first radiation appointment that I did for any of my chemo sessions. I suspect that part of it Has to do with just being further into the overall treatments, and being more mentally exhausted than I was when I was doing chemo.
The reality is the longer the treatments persist the more it takes out of you mentally and physically. I also think that there was this expectation that once I was a few weeks out from chemo, I would be back to nearly my normal self and those were lofty expectations that were bound to come up short.
My hair is still falling out although it seems to be slowing down and I do believe new hair is coming in, I am now all the sudden losing all my eyelashes. I am still feeling fatigue and mental fog from chemo and I’ve started experiencing new aches and pains that I am hoping will not be the new normal for me.
It’s funny, when you’re in the middle of a treatment like chemo it’s in some ways, oddly comforting. You’re in it, you’re doing it, and there’s no time to think about anything else. And you know that the reason you’re physically feeling a certain way is because of the treatment and you assume that once the treatment is done, it will be done. But the reality is sometimes that’s not the case.
I’m eager for my body to feel like mine again. To look in the mirror and see myself and not just a sad version. I know that it will get better but you also start to wonder if this will be my new norm. Trying to find a balance of optimism but realism. Trying not to lose sleep over something you can’t control. Just trying to take it day by day.