Life of Adoption As I Saw It

09/19/2023

As I continue to sort through pieces I still find such a strong assortment of feelings and emotions. Questions get deeper. Truths are double edged swords. Realizations of not ever feeling or being fully accepted. Continuous reminders of hurt, anger, and hatred. Yet here I am. Heartbroken but, not for myself but for those who cannot for 1 second be honest, accepting, mature, or understanding. Witnessing sheer ignorance, self centeredness, resentment and pure arrogance from "family". Watching people who never had a chance hurt beyond hurt while their family continues to destroy them and not care. Watching others lie to their friends, family, children and acquaintances to hide their own insecurities and unhappiness. Questioning every day if I should have ever searched or just continued through life not knowing and always feeling empty and thrown away over and over. Now knowing answers by piecing everything all together with the so many people I have met along the way. I am now ready to share my story. Now ready to be 100% vulnerable and share every bit of emotion that has gone into this search and life. Ready to answer questions and speak my truth regardless of who gets angry and who it hurts. The truth is the truth. Nobody lived the hurt and questions like I did. Nobody can lie any more. Nobody has to pretend. No more hiding behind questions all are afraid to ask. Ask away. I have nothing to hide rather, a story to tell. That time is now. The story is long. Adoption sucks. The support for feelings and questions don't exist just ignored and met with a lack of empathy. Lack of understanding.

08/30/2022

My story begins 4/24/1981 at 1:17am. Early on a Friday morning I made my debut. Hurried out of the room and to the nursery. Never to see the woman who gave me life. Never to know my father, grandparents, future siblings, aunts, uncles cousins. Placed immediately for adoption. 3 days in the Nursery and carted off to a foster home for the next 6 weeks. My first 6 weeks bouncing around, nothing permanent always temporary. Never knowing or understanding what was going on I'm sure. I was introduced to a couple longing for a child as they had tried several times before but to have a child born to them was a dark reality. 2 couples praying to become my new parents and the deciding factor came down to height. My name had already been changed from my given name to an alias in those 6 weeks and changed again once placed with my permanent family to my new name. Again so many temporary changes in 6 weeks. I was placed with Alice and Walt... as I would grow to know them as Mom and Dad. Spoiled was an understatement as I have been told. No more temporary... but still beginning... My birth certificate was amended and my adoption legalized August 18, 1982. Legalization Day. Many call this day Gotcha Day, but we called it Legaization Day. Celebrated every year. Eating Ice Cream from Annis Dairy on the front steps of our home with pictures to prove year to year. In August 1982 Mom became pregnant with my new brother. She struggled especially toward the end. My brother was born 2 years and 1 month to the day from my birthday. I was so excited to have a baby brother. I tried to help take care of him but being 2 that proved tough. I got to spend lots of time with my Dad but as time went on feeling more and more like 2nd best. Like I wasn't needed any more. Unwanted and unloved all over again. Thank goodness for my Dad. Never doubted that I was Daddys Girl. He was my hero. My Superman. My everything. Mom was important too but she was too busy with my new brother. I was so lucky to have parents who always told me that I was adopted. But also hated hearing that I was. Always a reminder in my mind that I wasn't really theirs. Always a feeling of being unwanted and unloved. Like I wasn't good enough to be with my birthparents. Always feeling out of place, never good enough. If I wasn't good enough for my birth parents I'll never be good enough for anyone else. Feelings like this started early and only intensified as I grew.

Putting the pieces of my truth together along this crazy journey.

08/30/2022

Collecting and sorting through thoughts and memories. I will be posting regularly about something that defines me. Grateful yes. Angry, confused, empty... Those too. I will start from the beginning tomorrow. I am very open about this so please feel free to ask questions or comment on anything. This is my blog. This is my adoption. This is my life...