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Barefoot, Brave, and Bold, Beloit, KS (2025)

11/06/2025

Oh, how I love this! I truly hate to see people jump into another relationship as a means to heal their hurt. Honestly, that rarely works. I consider my 4 years of healing to be such a gift to myself. It was long…. Hard…. Sometimes confusing…. Difficult.

Heal your human. There is so much damage accumulated in 30 years in an unhealthy marriage. Your human deserves for you to take care of her and give her grace.

After those 4 years, I still didn’t “look” for another relationship and so glad I didn’t. I would have found the wrong one, I’m convinced. It’s tempting, when your ex has “moved on” to think we need to do the same. But if thinking logically, “why does that have any bearing on it?” I’m not responsible for him figuring out how to do the next relationship better…. Only responsible for myself…. My healing. I would have hated to hand my brokenness to someone else. Because healing isn’t ever 100%, he (my person) does see my broken parts sometimes. But that is minimal and something that can be navigated.

Healing is the gift you give yourself as well as any future partner. ♥️

11/04/2025

Boundaries- so much has been written about them in recent years. They seem to be widely misunderstood, somewhat hard for many to enforce, and elusive. Are they really helpful? Yes, I believe they are… and they seem to take a lifetime for many to sort through and exercise. The following are just some of my experiences with boundaries. Food for thought:

1. I find that there are a (very) few people I really don’t need spoken boundaries with at all. They are the people that know me and understand me and have my best interest at heart…. And I do the same for them. We’re naturally fully honest with each other. We choose to respect what we know their “edges” are on an ongoing basis. We each need a few of these souls in our lives.

2. I have waited too long to set a boundary with at least one person recently. In doing so, I allowed that person to get “under my skin” for several years and it ruined the (long, long) friendship. Had I had the conversation sooner, it very well might have been a bridge instead of a wall. It would have been better for me to speak up sooner.

3. I had a recent situation with someone that I truly love and am in a position to support. But I found I need to put boundaries around the support I could give. She needed to share the pain in her relationship and I can be a good listener…. But it became a “play by play” of his mistreatment to her… very detailed (minute by minute) and very frequent, rather than an overview. It triggered me…. Took me back into the mind realm of my own abuse experience. I fully understand that she may NEED to process it that way AND it is also not healthy for ME to listen to it that way. I explained that to her. I can help her in many ways but it’s ok for me to say, “I can’t allow your story to trigger me about mine.” And it’s ok for her to find a better sounding board for that particular need.

Whole books have been written about boundaries. If you’d like, please share your own boundary experiences and learning… or even questions for otgers to give feedback. I definitely feel boundaries are a big part of our healing.

11/03/2025

Sorry, I’ve been pretty absent! Being sick for 5 out of 6 weeks really did a number on me. Really hoping to be on the other side of that!

Also, I have some new actions in the works! I’m moving toward getting a “Called to Peace” in-person (maybe with an electronic access too) support group started in my community. This will be for women who have been in or are currently in abusive marital/ domestic relationships. The curriculum is 13 sessions. My plan is to start that in January, 2026. It is a path toward healing… not that healing happens in 13 weeks, but it serves as a guide for the journey.

Also I signed up to take a year-long advocacy program to assist women in 1:1 relationships as they navigate a coercive control relationship. This is a big commitment, but I’ve always been one who believes in using trials to help others… so here we go.

10/23/2025

Here it is… Domestic Violence month nearing its end for another year (though it’s ok to bring attention to it any time of the year). I’ve been exceptionally quiet about it… partly because I’ve been sick 4 out of the last 5 weeks. Hopefully on the mend…

And partly, because a piece of me still has “fear” of speaking up about being in an abusive marriage. Not here, on this page… but in my world where most of the people reading what I write know me…. AND … know the man that tried to destroy me.

AND… I know that they knew the “charming” version of him, the one who would do anything for them or for anyone (except the woman he was married to for 30 years). The super nice guy. And I KNOW that it’s a complete disconnect for them. Heck, it’s a disconnect for ME too!!!! Imagine (some of you don’t have to imagine) watching your husband for years being kind to everyone… except you. It’s a DAMN-BIG- HURTFUL disconnect!!

If I had the chance, this is what I’d ask them…

Why would a woman who wasn’t ACTUALLY mistreated, abused, coherced, manipulated and antagonized mercilessly:
* still be talking about it 8 years later??
* spend 4 years in treatment for abuse PTSD??
* wait 5 years to get into another relationship because she didn’t want to take the abuse baggage into another relationship??
* be working toward starting a support group for abused women almost a decade after her own escape??
* fly to North Carolina for a 3-day conference for abused women?? (I’m going in April 2026)
* leave and divorce at all?? Considering she was steeped in a culture that taught “stay married at any cost?”

The point is… she wouldn’t do any of those things if she wasn’t really toxically abused.
We can’t control what people believe or don’t believe about our experience or our abuser. I just wonder how many women might heal faster and more fully if a few people would just say “I believe you… and I’m really sorry for what you had to live through.”

10/17/2025

This is the day I celebrate! And…. My life is INFINITELY more joyful, certain, fulfilled, delightful, purposeful, gentle, peaceful and magnificent in these last 8 years since I chose to LIVE my life instead of remain captive in a place where I was disrespected and destroyed daily.

Dare I say “infinitely?” Oh yes! Honestly, if I could come up with an even bigger, more profound word, I’d use it. Eight years free. Eight years…. I made the boldest choice of my life that day..,to actually live instead of die, slowly but surely, each day.

10/16/2025

I love hearing people’s stories. We all have them but some aren’t inclined to share them for many different reasons.

They’ve been burned by telling
They don’t think it is that “compelling.”
They don’t feel they have the speaking or writing skills needed.
They just are “private” by nature.

If it isn’t obvious, I LOVE stories. They knit my life together and they remind me who I am. Storytelling began for me at about age 4. I’d tell my mom stories about a girl named “Nancy” and she wrote them down.

I listened at my great-grandma’s feet (we called her “Bompy”) as she told stories about being the last child in a brood of 13.

My grandma and my mom told stories of their life (and my mom wrote them in books I still have.) There are some incredible and touching narratives in those books.

I’m attaching a story that I just loved. Listen for “The story is better if…..” and in another part, the word “captivating.” I found it so heart-warming.

That said, tell your stories, if only to a friend or your children. Really, the story is better if you tell it…. Let it bring hope, tenderness, comfort, awe, or any number of experiences to others. My story is also part of my kids’ story and my grandchildren’s’ stories. So are yours… they belong to your future generations too. Tell them!

10/14/2025

On my wedding day ****I had a lot of hope… and a little fear. ****I wanted it to be all I’d dreamed of since childhood. Not just the DAY, but the marriage. It was a balmy September day. Most aspects went as planned. There were a couple disappointments. I’ve only ever told one other person about my biggest disappointment… and it seems trivial and petty. So why do I remember it as though a movie in my head, 38 years later?

Because it was the first act of disrespect in our relationship which had been 100% love-bombing to date. I knew nothing of love bombing. I wouldn’t learn that phrase for years but our entire dating year was just that. And the disrespect first showed up about 4:00 pm after we’d married at 11:00 am that morning.

I’d told my “groom” (pains me to call him that), that it was my strong desire to open our wedding gifts ourselves, after returning from our honeymoon. It wasn’t just “it would be nice to do that.” It was one of the most important aspects to me, to take time to enjoy the way our guests had given gifts to bless us. I didn’t want to be tired from the days festivities or rushed because we needed to leave town. I was kind but abundantly clear about that.

At that time, it was common to designate “gift openers” at weddings but I had opted out of that tradition…. Firmly.

Upon arriving to our new bungalow, getting ready to head to the airport, my new husband noticed the kids (his son and 2 nieces) eyeing the gifts. Kids like presents. I get it. So he offered to let them each “open one.” Surprised but not confrontational, I grabbed a piece of paper so I could write down the the name of the 3 givers and the gifts given. Three became 6, which became 9, which continued to multiply… faster and faster. Ripping paper, tossing things aside. My attempts to say “this is the last one. We’re waiting to open the rest” were ignored. I couldn’t write fast enough to record them. I felt blindsided, exhausted from being up since 4 am, and betrayed. My husband was encouraging the free-for-all.

After dozens of gifts and tons of paper lay all over the floor, I yelled, “STOP. I’m too tired to enjoy this.” There were about 10 gifts yet to open. Come hell or high water, I was going to open them, as planned after the honeymoon. I was suddenly looked at by the family in the room with mouths agape, I’m sure thought of by some as a “bridezilla” if the term would have been coined yet.. (maybe it was coined on me! Ha!)

I remember this incident because it wasn’t a slip up or poor communication or even just “a human error.” It was the beginning of my desires being shut down, of my autonomy in decision making to be ignored, my understanding of how marriage being mutually respectful …. Being RIPPED to shreds. It was to become my life…. I had no idea what I’d just signed up for, but it started unfolding that day, 5 hours after I said, “I do.”

So…. When I left 30 years later, ***I had a lot of fear and a little bit of hope. **** The inverse of what I had the day I married. Give me the fear. I’ll take the fear and the sliver of hope. I can do something with that.

10/12/2025

In early 2017, I had joined a fb group of 3000+ women. It was a branch-off group of a much larger fb group. There were few rules (no politics, be nice… mostly). It was purely for chit-chat…about pretty much any topic. It felt really safe to me, partly because I only knew one person in the group in real life. And it was closed to newcomers once it hit about 3500 members…(still is closed) so I never had to be concerned about someone joining that “knew me.” I could bare my soul… and I did. We are very close-knit and connected, as we’ve shared our diverse lives for years. And we do literally talk about almost everything under the sun.

In full disclosure, some of the ladies there, joined this page (Barefoot, Brave, and Bold) in support of me, when I started it just over a year ago. See? Their support has continued for years!

When I determined that I’d be leaving my (then) husband, these ladies were my absolute strength… I posted pre-leaving details of my plans and I posted updates during the days when I left the state to separate myself by miles, from him. I posted memes about “choosing me” and photos of the beautiful fall foliage. They posted songs (like Fight Song/ Take Back My Life Song). Someone decided that my story was like a little mighty fish in a great big ocean. They started posting fish pictures and told me to “keep swimming.” Hundreds of fish/ swimming references. Every one of them strengthened my resolve.

They knew this wasn’t a “we’ve grown apart” separation, but a “This man is trying to destroy me” separation. And they wanted me out and safe….. as much as I wanted/ needed to be out. And then, as I moved into a little house (owned by my church and provided to me for free for 6 months), they helped me deal with the whiplash emotions of the early days.

I became weak a couple times during the separation and considered going back (not to him but to my house… and he was there). But the considerations didn’t grow into actions… mainly because I knew I’d disappoint my amazing team of 3000+ strong women who had supported me. I’m so incredibly grateful.

Attached are a few of the quotes that shored me up that day, October 17, 2017 and the days that followed.

And those awesome ladies… I wish that every woman fleeing to safety would have this group of warriors standing with you… and I know they’d do it in a heartbeat. ♥️

10/04/2025

I had thought of healing as “a strategy.” And I strategized the heck out of my life for the years following my separation/ divorce. At first, I reasoned that I needed a LOT of rest… because I really did. PTSD causes hyper-vigilence… and it’s exhausting. So I allowed myself loads of rest.

Then I began all my little baby steps, some active (walking, getting out with a friend) and some more therapeutic (writing/ journaling/ music). I poured myself into those endeavors.

I don’t negate any of that. I needed to take responsibility for my own healing. ‘Didn’t matter who caused it. It was my job to get well. To reclaim my identity. To create a life of clarity after the fantasy I’d imagined in older age, began to clearly NOT exist in reality.

But… as the author of “Truly Helaled Woman” states (see her post in the comment section), I moved forward IN ONE DAY. After 4 years combatting all the fallout (and 4 years before that, existing only in a depressive state)…. Healing and hope arrived in full force on ❣️one single day.❣️

I don’t know the exact date but it was late Sept or early October 2021. I got a text.

“I’ve decided to sell the little house. You mentioned a year or two ago, to let you know if I ever decided to as you might be interested. Are you still? I can let you think on it for about 48 hours but then I’ll be officially putting it on the market.” Within that 48 hours, I’d viewed the house again, made an offer and had the contract in process.

That (the day the email came) was the day I healed. That day I chose the restored account of my life, solidly over the distraught version of my life. It was the day that my focus moved from what has happened, to “and now…I begin again.” All the strategies got me to that point. Don’t dismiss the work. Every bit of it counted and was completely necessary. But the effort culminated, for me that Fall day. The nearly 3000 days (8 years) of struggle (and at times, utter dismay) were tied up with a big bow that day. Have I had struggle, even from my marriage memories, since then? Yes. But they weren’t the same. They were minor, not consuming.

For you, it might not be a house at all. It might not be a “thing” but rather an encounter, or a thought of clarity that moves you light years ahead in a moment... I just invite you to believe that “it can all change for the better, maybe even in a moment.” I wish you that moment or that day or whatever timeframe it takes… when the oppression falls away… and you take that giant breath of pure, fresh air and your lungs fill with hope and life.

Barefoot, Brave, and Bold

11/06/2025

11/04/2025

11/03/2025

10/23/2025

10/17/2025

10/16/2025

10/14/2025

10/12/2025

10/04/2025

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