20/10/2023
My finals week is over! Here is a recap of what happened and what I learned.
I failed 5 exams this semester and set the low for the other exams. I'm not sure if I did well enough for these finals to make it to the next semester. I did my best and I'm not sure if it was enough. Everytime a joke was made about failing exams when I was around others or what I see on social media, my mind immediately thinks "if I fail this next exam, I can kiss the last 6 years of my life and over $100,000 wasted." My friends and supporters tell me I should be proud of what I've accomplished so far and grades don't define who I am. I agree, grades don't define who I am, but at the end of the day, if I don't get the grades needed to survive, then the time and money I invested all goes to waste. The quote, "it takes years to build an empire, but it takes one day for it to burn down to the ground" keeps me on edge.
And for my friends and supporters who say I should focus on my strengths and the patients I've made a huge impact on, I immediately think about how my classmates would have done a better job than I would in treating my patients and I sabotage all my successes as "xyz person would have done this better than I can". And how my strengths isn't that unique as there are so many other people who have my same strength but significantly better than mine. The same could be said for the extracurriculars I'm a part of. This made me feel worthless, talentless, useless, incompetent, and a waste of resources. I yearned to be someone else. I felt like I would never be good since there is always someone who is better than me. I felt like the impact I was making isn't as great as someone else and why bother continuing?
After talking with my therapist and doing deep meditation to reframe my mindset, I realize that I was hard on myself because of my past mistakes I never truly learned from. I didn't learn from the past failures where there were no second chances. When I did learn from them, I allowed myself to realize that I am developing my experience and sucking is a requirement for my personal growth. I am not the best, and that's okay. Each opportunity will allow me to grow.