http://www.umbrellaministries.org/

Umbrella Ministries Grief Support, 2888 E. Loker Avenue, Suite 110, Carlsbad, CA (2026)

04/22/2026

Remembering
Measles was threatening our schools, and the threat had passed from one side of the state to the other. Teachers were being asked to validate their own previous protective vaccination, or, consider it an imperative to get one as quickly as possible. Being a high school teacher in our area, my son was among those attempting to find validation for something that had happened decades before, and those records were kept by parents, and not the child he would have been. So, he came to me, the parent, and I went to the one resource I had kept, his Baby Book, and settled the threatening question with the needed dates. (And no, my intent record keeping, did not satisfy the appropriate school personnel.)

But, what did happen to me, were the intense and beautiful memories of my first rainbow baby – the first child who was birthed after the death of our newborn, Tonia. I remembered my husband looking like he was literally four feet off the floor when I was wheeled out of the delivery room after my C-section. And I liked to put my heart on paper even way back then, and Chad’s Baby Book, was a collection of heartfelt memories from birth through first grade, and then, a few more. But his Baby Book did more than that. I was “reminded,” not that I needed to be, that I had two more rainbow babies after Chad, two very healthy babies, who gave and gave to me, and still do. And the Baby Book memories did not stop, because the intense and beautiful memories of my first rainbow baby, quietly spoke of the gift that came first, my gift of Tonia. And Tonia was gifted with Heaven within minutes after her birth, and although in those moments, there was nothing within me except a darkness of pain and emptiness, a darkness drenched with tears of loss, in the years that would unfold, I would begin to see too, that yes, she was God’s gift to me, and to many, many others.

But, how did I turn from darkness to giftedness??? I journeyed, even when I didn’t know I was journeying, but God did. The nightmare of my daughter’s death, through the years, I realized wasn’t just a nightmare. It was real, and I began to reach for something far bigger than myself to carry me through the darkness. And in reaching, I found the hand of God, and His arms and His heart, embraced me. My thinking wanted to deny God loved me. How could He? My child died. But I was beginning to understand that God does nothing, allows nothing, apart from His love, even when I don’t understand. I began to realize too, that my God valued me beyond my imagination, so much so that He longed to carry me through the darkness, and then He began to bring beauty and purpose from the ashes of my tragedy, even when there was much I still didn’t understand.

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” .... Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. .... He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. .... “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” .... For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus.
– Bev

(Related Bible reading: 2 Corinthians 12:9; Proverbs 3:5,6; Isaiah 40:11; Jeremiah 31:3; Ephesians 2:10)

04/16/2026

God Wants Your Love, Not Your Perfection
Romans 6:23 “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.”

As we stepped through the door of the charming little shop, my eyes caught on a cluster of small Post-it notes clinging to the weathered wooden frame. A simple sign beside them read, “Please take one.”

One note drew me in immediately, almost as if the Lord Himself had hung a glowing neon sign with flashing arrows pointing straight at it: This is for you. The soft pink paper bore these words in neat handwriting: “God wants your love, not your perfection.” In that quiet moment, the message landed like a tender whisper to my soul—freeing, reassuring, and exactly what I needed to hear.

How I struggle with my perfection that eludes me. I love how the Bible describes our sin. The Bible tells us no one is righteous, no one is truly wise, no one does good. It even tells us our talk is foul, like stench, which means our tongues are full of lies. Even when we talk, snake venom drips from our lips. Destruction and misery follow us. Yet even in our imperfection, thank God, He has shown us how we can be made right by placing our faith in Jesus Christ.

Does God keep a score of all the wrongs that we do day in and day out? Can our imperfections disqualify us from entering into the pearly gates we long for?

The Bible doesn’t tell us to get our act together first. It tells us to come as we are. David, after he had wrecked everyone's lives, cried out to the Lord to create in him “a clean heart, oh God.” He didn’t say fix me, so I deserve you, but instead fix me because I can’t fix myself. God isn’t waiting for polished perfection. He knows that can’t happen. He is chasing after the broken, the one who keeps saying Lord, I goofed again. I keep coming back in all my brokenness, and He says He still loves me even with my flaws.

That little pink Post-it note was a love note to me. He was telling me, Michele, I see you. I don’t need you fixed, I just need you here with Me.

– Michele

04/09/2026

Heaven
Isaiah 55:8-9 "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

I did an in depth study of Heaven when Elisha transitioned to his permanent heavenly home and yet there are still so many questions I have; so many things I still want to understand. The more I desire to see glimpses of our eternal home, the more the Lord brings me comfort, peace, hope and assurance about what I do not see, about what is to come, not only eternally, but here on Earth. I desperately want to understand the “why” of all of this and I want to understand what God is doing, what He is about to do and what the future holds. Sometimes I think if I knew what was coming, I would feel better about what was happening.

Randy Alcorn, author of one of the best books I have read called “Heaven” said, “Insisting on knowing the unknowable dooms us to frustration and resentment toward God. We lack God’s omniscience, omnipotence, wisdom, holiness, justice and goodness. If we insist we have the right, or even assume we have the capacity to understand the hidden purposes of God, we forfeit the comfort and perspective we could have had in kneeling before His vastly superior wisdom. God’s answer is beyond our understanding.” And so it all boils down to trust. Trust is something the Lord has been developing in me daily as He shows me continually day after day, how incredibly faithful He truly is. Even in the midst of my dull lack of faith, He shows up in such amazing ways, I can scarcely begin to write them all down. But I find it interesting that His timing is always perfect.

Corrie ten Boom, author of the “The Hiding Place,” was a martyr for the Christian faith and she went through deep suffering and sorrow in a N**i concentration camp; she watched her father and her sister die and only she survived. When she was a little girl she said to her father, “Daddy, I am afraid that I will never be strong enough to be a martyr for Jesus Christ.” “Tell me,” said her wise father, “when you take a train trip to Amsterdam, when do I give you the money for the ticket? Three or four weeks before?” Corrie replied, “No Daddy, you give me the money for the ticket just before we get on the train.” “That’s right,” he replied, “and so it is with God’s strength. Our Father in Heaven knows when you need the strength to be a martyr for Jesus Christ. He will supply all you need just in time.” When I stop and think about how many years the Lord was equipping and strengthening Corrie while she was trapped in the concentration camp, my heart is humbled to the core.

I realize that my sufferings are minuscule compared to what this woman went through and now she stands in the presence of our Savior with a crown of righteousness because she believed that there is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still. Romans 8:37 says, “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” A sweet friend of mine told me that trust is like being on a trapeze. As the trapeze artist jumps from one bar and is just about to grab the other bar that is coming, he is suspended in the air for a time until the other bar comes to him, where he will grab on and get to the other side, to a platform that is stable and safe. That is where I am at right now, I am waiting, I am suspended in the air ready to grab the rung that the Lord is about to give me. I know it will be great and I know it will be awesome, however, right now I am at that awkward place where I am in transition, suspended, and I am trusting in Him, waiting on the Lord and I know that what He has in store for me will be far better than I could have ever hoped, dreamed or imagined.
– Melody

03/29/2026

I Must.............
“I Still Believe” is a story that blends a purity of young love with the strength and vibrancy of a strong, but simple faith, and with horrendous tragedy that screams out in its pain, but in the midst of pain, it falls broken into the compassionate arms of the God who is real and never, ever, without purpose. Jeremy Camp, prolific, best-selling Christian singer and songwriter, was just starting out as a college student when he met Melissa, and the love story begins to unfold. Their love crashed into the destructiveness and anguish of a ravaging cancer, but that love flourished. Melissa spoke words that looked beyond her impending death when she said, “If just one life is changed because of what is happening to me, it will be worth it all.” Jeremy’s heart was ravaged with an emotional pain, just like the cancer that had ravaged his wife’s body, but like Melissa, and with her own words touching his emotional pain, his anguish fell into the arms of Jesus, and he knew, he still believed, and he walked forward with a commitment to tell Melissa’s story, so that just one, if not thousands, would be that life changed for Jesus because of her story.

I watched the movie, caught up in the reality of the story, and in the vibrancy of God-focused truth that embraces us even in tragedy and brings hope and purpose. And I saw the parallels in my own life, and the life of my husband. We were only a few years older than Jeremy when our own tragedy took from us the infant we longed to hold in our arms, nurture, delight in, and watch as proud parents as she would walk the steps of childhood into becoming a mom herself. None of that would ever happen. Jeremy smashed his guitar as his pain darkened his world. My own husband was ready for a long drive on a short pier – and he voiced those thoughts. It took me much longer than it took Jeremy to watch the hope and purpose come from the agony, but even through those years of waiting with a desperation to figure it all out, God was still at work, and I too came to the place that if just one life is changed because of Tonia’s story, it will be worth it all. And in my own story, I have been incredibly blessed to watch it happen. Like Jeremy, I have longed, and still long, for Tonia’s story to be the catalyst for others to know the reality of our compassionate God. And my husband is no different. In his own perception, he sees the baby who plays and dances in the literal presence of Jesus, as still shining a bright, impacting light here on Earth, for the Jesus who carried her to Heaven.

Paul told the Corinthians he sensed a compulsion to share God’s truth – the truth that had totally transformed his own life and purpose – the truth he knew had the potential to change every life that embraced it. And he was not only compelled, but he believed that compulsion was a God-given trust. I long for a heart like Paul’s. Jesus Himself said, “I must.” He had already begun His earthly ministry and when the crowds wanted Him to stay, stay and be in just one place, Jesus said no – He must keep going because that is why He was sent. He had a purpose to fulfill, other lives to touch, to change, to make a difference. May we be like Paul, and like Jesus, with a compulsion to share our God with others. May we tell our stories and share His grace. May we say, I must. And may we be willing to place the seemingly senseless, maybe still raw, tragedies of our lives, into the nail-scarred hands of Jesus, allowing Him to use them to change another life.

– Bev

03/24/2026

A Mom’s Prayer
Luke 8:26 - 27 “So they arrived in the region of the Gerasenes across the lake from Galilee. As Jesus was climbing out of the boat, a man who was possessed by a demon came out to meet him.”

I just love when I am involved in a Bible study with other women. There is so much we can glean from one another. We read about Jesus and His disciples taking a boat trip across the Sea of Galilee to a region of Gerasenes. This area was a Gentile region southeast of the Sea of Galilee. It was known to be thriving, modern, and a vulgar area that was forbidden by Jewish law to go there. Yet Jesus defiled the law and instructed the apostles to take the trip to that region. Once they made it there, as Jesus was climbing out of the boat, right in front of him was a man possessed by demons. This man had been homeless and naked and lived in a cemetery that was outside of town. A question was asked in our study, “So, what drew Jesus to take a trip across the sea and go to an island that was off limits for all Jews?” A woman in our study remarked, “I wonder if Jesus was answering the prayer of a mother?”

That one little question has changed my perception of every story and every name that has been mentioned in the Bible. I now see the mom behind the story. Everyone in this book was brought into this world by a mother. A mother's heart has compassion and love for her child. How many other stories do we read that have a praying mom in her prayer closet crying out to the Lord for her child? I wonder how many days, months, or years this mother prayed for his soul. Was she at the end of her rope? Was her faith as tiny as a mustard seed as she watched her son delve deeper and deeper into the throes of Satan? After Jesus had healed this man, he wanted to go with Jesus and serve. Jesus had a different plan for this man. He instructed him to go home to his family and tell them everything God had done for him. I wonder why God's will for this man was to go home to his village and tell everyone what Jesus had done. Can you imagine the complete joy this mom felt as she saw her son walk through the front door healed and clothed? What a loving God to show compassion on this mom so she can see firsthand. Her child had been healed. Years of tears of a mom praying finally answered. What an amazing miracle this mom and her son could share to all those who watched her faithfully pray for her boy.

I know the heart of a praying mom as I know each of you do. I prayed often for the health and welfare of both my daughters. I have never prayed harder as when I stood by my daughter's bedside and asked the Lord for a miracle to heal her brain. I so wanted a happy ending and a return to my village with my daughter healed and what a story we could tell together. Yet my ending and the Lord's will for my daughter would take me on a journey across stormy waters. It took time, work, and many prayers to finally find my sea legs. I would return to my village alone and share my story. I know waiting in the background was my mom on bended knees praying for her daughter's broken heart to be healed. I am so thankful my mom witnessed her prayers answered.

Lord, You know a mom's heartbreak and You hear her prayers. As You died on the cross for us, I am sure you knew the pain your mother Mary was enduring as she watched You suffer. Were You praying for her broken heart as You died on the cross?
-- Michele

03/18/2026

The Day the Lord Gave
Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

I woke up and laid in bed with my eyes closed, listening to the waves crash on the beach. My husband had opened the wooden blinds as I began to breathe in deeply, I could smell the salty air. I opened my eyes and looked out to the ocean. It was June gloom, a Southern California term for the weather pattern that results in cloudy, overcast, skies. This was our last day in the hotel and as I glanced over at the clock it was 7:55 a.m. and I knew I needed to get going, but my mood was somber and I didn't want to get out of bed; the day had finally arrived. It was June 19th, the two-year anniversary of Elijah's transition into his internal home in Heaven. My husband had already been up for an hour; he had been quietly packing so I could sleep for a little while longer.

Our checkout was at 11:00 a.m. and he placed a steaming cup of coffee on the night stand. I got up and went out to the balcony and as I was sipping my coffee, I looked out to the beach down below. Two young boys were already in the water and I watched them as they ducked underneath the waves again and again, squealing with delight. I wish I could just stay right here all day, but I wanted to do something special to honor my child today; I just didn't know what we were going to do yet. My son Luke had taken the day off work as well, and he was waiting for us at home.

Isaiah 40 :31 says: "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." As we walked along the beach, I tried to think about the good memories, but my thoughts were consumed with the last days in the hospital. I remember I had taken some pictures the day before Elijah passed away and I wanted to remember that day, but the photos were not on my phone. A few months after he died, I had dropped my phone into the hot springs at the women's retreat and I had downloaded the photos onto my laptop, so the images of that day dance around in my head.

The LORD had been in the room with us; our little family laughed and played Monopoly; we enjoyed watching Elijah flirting with the nurses and playfully laughing as he threw his DVDs on the floor. He was his old self, free of all the medication and drugs, no machines, just our sweet lovable little boy who always showed us what unconditional and simple love really looked like. His little body was so weak, but the fact that he seemed so strong gave us all a renewed hope and even though we were mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted, that one day was such an incredible gift.

We will always be able to look back on that time and have something to be thankful for, a beautiful blessing of precious time for our family from our Heavenly Father. It is the one day that stands out on my mind as time goes on, and even though the sorrow and heartache of the fact that my child was no longer here on this earth will probably never go away, even though I will always miss him terribly and will always feel that my life was so radically changed, I will always have that sweet memory of cuddling and snuggling with my son. It's almost as if that time has begun to overshadow the images of the next painful day, a day that only one picture was taken, a day that will never be forgotten, a day that my heart was shattered and my world was shaken and a day that I felt my own life had ended, as well.

And so, as I look back on this day, the calm before the storm is what I will remember, the day the Lord my God gave, the day He became my strength and my portion, the day my beautiful child slipped into eternity where he is dwelling in the house of the Lord, healed and made whole, waiting for me to come to him so I can be with him forever and ever. Oh, what a day that will be.

– Melody

03/11/2026

Under His Wings
Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord and he answered me. He delivered me from all my fears.”

In the inaugural speech given by Franklin Roosevelt in 1932, Franklin Roosevelt used a phrase that described a feeling that blanketed this country. The nation was in the grips of a Great Depression. It was a time of great uncertainty. The nation waited in great anticipation to hear what the president would say. The one phrase he spoke that day has lived on into the future. These words, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself," are still words that ring with honesty.

Fear is such a tiny little word, yet by definition and practice, creates a life filled with distress. It is an emotion aroused by impending danger, evil or pain. This threat we fear can be real or imagined. Fear manifests itself in many ways in our day-to-day decisions. Fear can squeeze the very essence of living, out of our soul. It can keep us from opportunities in life that God wants to bless us with. It can also strangle the blessings that we have to give others. It can paralyze our ability to love again as we are afraid of opening up our broken and fragile hearts.

I have lived most of my life engulfed in fear. I was fearful of failure. What would others think of me if I made a mistake or said the wrong thing? Would I still be a person worthy of love? I was wrapped up in a blanket of fear so much so that it crippled my life. Then my daughter died. I had to face my greatest fear. The thing I feared most in my life, the loss of one of my children. How could I survive my biggest fear?

It has not been an easy walk. I wish I could say I have not an ounce of fear left in me. What I have found is that I still struggle with being afraid. The world is often a scary place, especially when I hear stories every day of other mothers who have lost their child. We each have struggles we face each day. Mine is fear, but it is the very thing that keeps me abiding with the God who covers me with His feathers. Under His wings, I find refuge from this fear that can overwhelm me. His faithfulness is my shield that will always protect me as I battle this demon of fear. I know one day I will have victory in this area.

So, what is your struggle? I pray, like me, you have found a safe place to rest. Let Him cover you with His feathers and together with Him we will fight our demons. Lord, we are still a work in progress. Progress, forward movement towards a destination, that is where we are and Lord, we thank You for Your patience.
– Michele

02/26/2026

Buried in Brokenness
This life is a prelude to eternity. For the believer, it is an eternity of hope, fulfilled desires, and the total satisfaction of living in the literal presence of our eternal God. It is an unending reunion too with the loved ones who departed this life before us. What else it is, is hinted at in Scripture, but a full knowledge of what lies before us seems to be beyond human comprehension. Within our prelude, we experience a full range of emotions and thinking as we respond to the happenings we are a part of. For many, those experiences are raw and traumatic, gouging holes in our hearts that seem totally irreparable. Broken bodies do not bring the same pain as a broken heart does. The splinters of brokenness continually prick against the spirit that wants to escape them. As believers, we find a healing with our God, but still it is often a healing that although it allows for growth and the experiencing of God’s grace, the brokenness casts its shadow over the inner spirit, over relationships, and over our ability to fully embrace all that God has for us. The wounded believer, though revived beyond expectations, senses the lingering taunt of what-could-have-been.

The fifteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians pulses with the hope of eternity. Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies. The words, “buried in brokenness,” echoed in my mind and my heart as I read them. I compared the New Living Translation I had before me with other translations. I realized that what God said to my spirit differed somewhat from the actual intent of the words, but I knew the truth was still there. We may live on this earth with a stubborn brokenness, that has been softened by God’s love and grace, but still it lingers. We may cry out for the thorn of our brokenness to be removed, and yet God still allows it. When we ask for the “why?,” we are reminded of the things we learn from our brokenness, the dependence on God that transcends necessity, the fragile spirit that senses, often without words, the brokenness of others. The hope of eternity offers unimaginable security, potential, and freedom, but for the one who is aware that she will probably be “buried in brokenness,” that hope is the light she reaches for within her shadow. Precious believer, when life brings a brokenness that cannot be shaken, know with a certainty that God has neither forgotten you nor abandoned you. His loving Father-heart embraces you in your brokenness and whispers the hope of eternity. – Bev
(Related Bible reading: 1 Corinthians 15:42-55)

02/19/2026

Walking with God
Deuteronomy 1:21 “See, the LORD your God has given you the land. Go up and take possession of it as the LORD, the God of your ancestors, told you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Have you ever stepped out in faith and started to do something that you felt the Lord spoke to your heart to do, only to fall flat? Have you grown weary of doing good or have you become discouraged because things did not turn out the way you planned? Throughout the Bible, over and over again, the Lord addresses fear and discouragement. Even though Moses delivered his people out of Egypt, the Lord allowed Moses to be driven into an empty discouragement, when God sent him into the wilderness for forty years. Moses saw a lot of things during that time that must have been very discouraging, but we also know that Moses learned how to rely on the Lord and how to trust Him in the wilderness, how to have true fellowship and oneness with the Creator of the Universe.

Deut. 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." The Lord always goes before us and He has promised to lead us and guide every step of the way, He has said His Word is a lamp unto our feet and that He will never leave us not forsake us. He says over and over again, “Do not be afraid, do not become discouraged.” God uses every single obstacle that comes into our lives and He uses an infinite number of vehicles in the process of helping us to grow. No one becomes instantly mature; it is not a sprint; it is a marathon. Moses persevered for 40 years; every morning waking up and learning how faithful God was each and every day when He provided His people with just enough for the day. I believe He wants us to look to Him each morning for our daily needs, for our daily bread. Each of us needs to learn certain practices that will help us grow in our faith and become stronger and more fulfilled. When you put these things into practice, you’ll be renewed and refreshed in your faith every day. And one day, you will see the promised land He faithfully continues to lead us to.
– Melody

02/14/2026

A Different Kind of “Why?”
“O God my rock,” I cry. “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?” Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?” Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again – my Savior and my God! The psalmist asks the “why?” of the grief-stricken or discouraged, but he asks more than that. He even has reason for his grief-stricken “why.” Life is hard. Too many changes have happened. He longs for the memories of yesterday. He wants a reality of God that will defy the taunts of the enemy.

But within the words that echo the sentiments of his heart is the answer his heart longs for. His answer lies with God, a God who sweeps over him with His love, and His provision. This is the God he yearns for, but He is already there! And within the “why?” that seeks resolution is the “why?” he asks of himself. Why do I hold onto sadness and discouragement? Why do I feel only the tears that stain my face, and why do I hear only the nagging doubts of the enemy? Yes, life is hard, but God has not abandoned him. God is there! The heart that fears needs to be a heart that trusts. Sometimes the two seem incompatible, but I dare to differ.

In the heartaches and difficulties of life, I can find my emotions reeling from a reality I want to escape. I have a choice when my emotions assault. I probably have several choices. I could choose to suppress my emotions, sit on them, and decide that a believer should not be emotionally reactive. I could give in to those emotions, recognizing the limited ability I have to control them, and thereby allow my emotions to govern my responses. I could abandon life completely, shutting myself off from relationships that could help to bring some encouragement or a change in perspective. I mean, why try when life is just too hard??? Why try at relationships or resolution or anything else that could be deemed productive? Or, I could choose to allow my emotions to draw me to my God. That was what the psalmist did. And he found God was already there.

God does not abandon me because my emotions run amuck. How often have you comforted your child when her own little world seemed to have fallen apart? Her frustration poured out tears and her words and body language gave vivid affirmation of her calamity, but your words of gentle assurance and the warmth of your touch softened life for her. How much more loving and caring is our God? And even as I long for His reality, He longs to embrace me with it. Trust His heart and believe His presence. Let your emotions draw you to the lap of your Father-God.

– Bev
(Related Bible reading: Psalm 42:1-11)

Umbrella Ministries Grief Support

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