It sure wasn’t subtle.

02/13/2024

TODAY was a total s**t day!!!!! I truly despise days that are so tough!! Draining….

10/04/2023

Someday i hope and pray LONG from now but these will always be precious memories!!!!!! My mom with my grands.

10/04/2023

EFFEXOR update: FINALLY down to the last 37.4mg of this NASTY drug!!! I will NEVER take anhtnjng like this s**t again! Coming off this has been such a struggle and I realize I have a GREAT boyfriend. Walking around the house swearing, yelling, crying, whinnying cus I feel as if I’m being zapped all day because this is the absolute HORRIBLE withdrawal. This last little bit terrifies me. I think I put my body into a mess so I’m going to hold at 37.4 for a couple weeks. Get my teeth and start my NEW journey with those and then I will be strong enough to kick this bitch. Effexor is more for anxiety and less for depression, wish I knew that YEARS ago! I think it’s sedating and makes you exhausted the entire time your on it. I’m so proud of myself. In 3 months I’ve weaned from 150 down to 37.4. Your partner in life truly makes a DIFFERENCE! Thank you babe for everything. IF I didn’t know it before, I do now. I’m ALOT but you are the most incredible dude of my life. I love you and treasure you. The support and guidance you give me may p**s me off at the time, but looking back it’s BECAUSE I have you, that I am able to get off this s**t. You help me TREMENDOUSLY w my grand kids and are ALWAYs there for me. For the first time in my life I KNOW HOW it feels to BE loved and I thank you for that! You love me a lot and I feel every bit of it. You are my best friend and I look so forward to seeing what becomes of us cus I love my life with you (even when I’m a crabby bitch!!!!!). You’re my FAVORITE! Josh but seriously, thank YOU for always helping me with Kade and Caraline! We have them in our lives ALOT and they are definitely a HUGE joy in our lives and I know I say I don’t need your help, but you just BEING there with us is everything to me. I love more than anything when he wants you more than me. Your the most incredible “step” grandpa I have EVER met!!! You truly are involved in EVERY aspect of OUR world and I love that! Thank you for standing by my bipolar ass 🤣🤣🤣

02/03/2023

This little guy is so damn cute!!! I seriously do have the CUTEST Grandkids!! I made mistakes as a mom and slept a lot because of severe UGLY depression. That’s something I couldn’t help and is what got me through some hard times. In NO way am I saying I was a bad mom, because I’d NEVER classify myself that way! I had a HARD 20 years that was so fkn HARD for me but dammit, I did the absolute best I could as a single mom who had her 3 girls 100% of the time! I raised them on my own w/my parents a HUGE part of their lives. I’m extremely GRATEFUL we have them!!!!!! I think it’s because of them, why I step up and be the BEST DAMN grandmother and do SO much more than most. My kids CHERISH my parents. My two oldest tell me how often they adore and love my parents and are so thankful they had them for their childhood! My youngest treasures/ adores and respects them probably more but she’s still growing. I want MY grands to think of me the way my girls do of my parents! I want them to know I’m here and will always be right HERE, like my girls have! I watched Caraline till she went to preschool and now I have Kade. My bond w/ them is extremely important but damn do I get easily tired. I’m SO grateful because my parents help me TREMENDOUSLY w my grands also! Around 11/12:30 they take my grandson, pick my granddaughter up from preschool at 2:00 and give them back around 3:30 EVERY day!!!!! Can’t lie, I usually take advantage of it and take a much needed nap to get me through the rest of my day cus I’m not as young as I use to be and he exhausts me 🤣, plus w/ my back injury & fibromyalgia, carrying a baby nonstop does ALOT to my back. But I’m so grateful for that little break!! It’s HUGE for me. It absolutely makes me APPRECIATE them so more than I already do. They have helped me my entire life and are my BEST BEST BEST BEST friends. I hate to think one day they won’t be here and that scares me. My mom has SEVERE COPD so I feel guilty sometimes when they insist on taking the baby, but their entire lives has ALWAYS been their grandkids, so imagine their GREAT grands!!! My grandson ADORES my parents and chills w my dad in his chair for a longwhile. It’s the best thing ever, watching my parents with MY grand babies. It’s even more beautiful cus HE’s our first boy who WEre super close to in 15 years!!!!! He‘a absolutely precious and our ENTIRE family all love him so much!!! My granddaughter was the first girl in 45 years on her daddy’s side of the family. It’s so awesome how both of them are so very special to BOTH sides of the family! We all come tog for them and also because we ADORE and love my son-in-loves & his family so much. I’m so GRATEFUL I have the absolutely BEST family ! I always told God that I was so THANKFUL to him for giving me the BEST family, instead of a guy… but someday, I’d be very GRATEFUL to him “sending” me an honorable man I could love and cherish the rest of my life with! I honestly believe for the first time, JOSH 100% deserves to be in OUR life!!! He’s truly INCREDIBLE and I’m SUPER excited I get to share not only mine but also… Alayna (plus my 2 grown girls) and my grandkids with him! I’m so GRATEFUL I met him while Kade is still so little cus Josh and Kade are going to have an awesome bond right along w/Caraline, cus she already adores him.

So today and everyday I’m EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for all these ppl in my life and want to scream it to the world. I have been SO blessed in my life and THIS is the HAPPIEST I have ever been! Thank you God!!!!!

10/28/2022

Being a grandmother is so FUN and interesting!!! IF you actually have awesome kids who ALLOWs you to be a close part of their kid’s life and you get to watch them, then you are SO lucky and can relate to my posts!!! I am EXTREMELY blessed and can see my babies anytime I want. PLUS for now, we all live in the same house, so I’m able to be with them daily. I also randomly take Caraline whenever I’m going somewhere too. I’m VERY involved and would NOT have it any other way! I also try helping my daughter w/her babies as MUCH as she allows. I don’t EVER want to be overbearing OR a baby HOG, so I try to know MY place. With My grandson I’m holding him several times a day and I LOVE every moment!!! He’s been a bit crabby so I’ve helped a little more than usual, mommy was extremely tired so I kept grumpy pants for a few hours. I usually always have him if she’s cooking dinner or cleaning or doing something and we hang w her in the same room just holding him! I always take him so she can eat dinner. When he’s cranky I offer to help out more so cus I know it’s tough!!

It’s funny cus your instincts are probably a little stronger w/your grandchildren! You definitely think of the “what if’s”, WAY more. You still do everything you believed in w/your own babies. You’re just a tad more protective, almost. It’s just an extension from yours, but it’s MORE powerful feeling. I can’t explain it, it’s the BEST experience I’ve had so far in my life Xs 2!!!! So obviously when my kids cry, my first instinct was to give them the b**b. It cracks me up HOW many times I’ve thought “just GIVE him the b**b!” while he’s been fussy and it takes me a min to remember, your b**bs woN’T work for him 🤣😂🤣!!! It also cracks me up because he is breastfed so he has NO problem “rudely” searching for the b**b when he decides he’s hungry!! He’s so awesome! I’m just so THANKFUL my daughter knows what EVERY moment that feels like!!!! But It’s so funny the feelings that flood back!

And w/my granddaughter, We may live tog but that doesn’t mean my granddaughter actually says hello to me either 🤣😂, she remembers me when she gets in trouble and she needs her hugs 😍, or when she needs something, or when she WANTS to watch YouTube kids and comes to steal my phone 🤣, otherwise she forgets I’m here lol! I always give her my kisses and hugs and ask her about her day! SHe also cracks me up!!

10/28/2022

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Angelina, my first thought was YES I get her for 18 years!!!! HOW did that happen so fast! I remember holding her and relishing in the fact that I had a LONG time with this girl!!!! I thought those years would take forever to get here, yet they literally flew right on by!!! How is this girl 19! I don’t know if it’s because she was my baby after my loss and I cherished her just so much more cus I KNEW what could happen, or what, but almost everything about her pregnancy and infancy is embedded in my head as if it happened yesterday! I find my mind wonder there often, it was one of the HARDEST times of my life but it was the absolute BEST moment in my entire existence when she was placed in my arms and I just cried for 2 hours NON stop. The relief of having her crying in my arms was EVERYTHING to me in that moment!!!! I cherished those 2 days in the hospital when it was just her and me. 19 years passed me in a blink of an eye.

CHERISH YOUR LITTLES. It goes by so much faster than we could ever imagine!!!!!!

10/13/2022

I’m a happy, go lucky chick. To FEEL happy is fantabulous!!!!!!! I haveN’T felt happy…god it’s been so damn long ago! I did a lot of faking it, to make it. Shame on me. I wish I did this many moons ago! I’m so damn proud of myself that I said FK it and DID. These last 2 years I started to smoke and eat w**d. Slowly relying on it more and more. I took maybe 1-3 edibles a day! I have NOT taken an edible in a WEEK!!!!! I have NO desire. I hated always wanting to eat one, change my mind, blah blah. It’s a wonder I NEVER tried hardcore drugs, but the truth is as much as I didn’t want to be here, I WANT to be here and dying from an OD is NOT how I want to go out!!!!!!! I KNOW if I tried those, I would NOT come back. So I don’t even think about it. I have MY limits and w**d is it.

Anyway to FEEL happy and be on this new path is BEAUTIFUL!!! I haven’t been THIS hopeful and positive in decades!! I see pieces of me I haven’t seen in 20 years! It’s INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! I KNOW I am going to have hard days and I will crush them!! I KNOW life is going to fk me up HARD when one of my loved one goes or something to that effect and I pray I can get through that!!!! But I am SO hopeful to have MEEEEEE back!!!!! I’ve been waiting for this for so long! THIS version of me is the MOST beautiful!!!!! I can’t wait to keep seeing this transformation!

10/11/2022

Still learning this…

10/11/2022

This is the truth!!! Changes matter

10/11/2022

❤️

10/11/2022

🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

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