04/18/2026
# # # The Setup
Buddha, Jesus, and Muhammad walk into a neighborhood bar and take a seat at the counter.
The bartender wipes down the wood and asks, "What can I get you fellas?"
Buddha smiles serenely. "I require nothing. I am here only for the enlightenment."
Jesus pulls a beautifully carved wooden chalice from his robes. "No thank you, my good man. I have my own, and it runneth over."
The bartender raises an eyebrow and looks at the third guy. "Let me guess, buddy. You brought your own too?"
Muhammad shakes his head. "I don't partake in the alcohol, but if you have a glass of fresh well water, that would be wonderful."
# # # The Pitch
The bartender leans in, intrigued. "So, what’s the deal? You guys priests or something?"
"Not exactly," Buddha says. "I’m just a normal man who sat under a tree until I found enlightenment, then told everyone how to live right, clear their karma, and stop harming sentient beings."
"I figured out pretty much the same thing," Jesus chimes in. "I told them that God lives in all of us, and if they just love their enemies and each other, they'll live forever in the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Exactly," Muhammad agrees. "I gave them the ultimate cosmic math. I told them to submit to a greatness they can't entirely comprehend, care for the orphans, the elderly, and the lost souls, and live with honor."
The bartender is blown away. "Wow. Those are some genuinely beautiful messages. You guys are batting a thousand! So, God gave you the word, you passed it on... how’s humanity doing with it?"
# # # The Reality Check
The three prophets share a long, incredibly exhausted look.
Buddha sighs. "Well, my philosophy spread across the globe. I've got universities and monks quietly studying the manual of the self, which is nice... but the rest of the world is still pretty distracted."
Jesus groans and puts his face in his hands. "They completely butchered my material. I literally said *'Love thy enemy,'* and somehow we’ve had like two-and-a-half holy wars. It’s like they heard the word 'love' and somehow confused it with 'hate.'"
"It's because they're a bunch of cousin-f**king idiots," Muhammad snaps, slapping his hand on the bar. "I gave them a mathematical universe that proves we're all 99.9% identical! I told them to protect the innocent, and now I’ve got morons strapping bombs to their asses thinking they're getting virgins in the afterlife! When did I *ever* say that? How does blowing up a bus full of the very kids I told you to protect serve God?!"
# # # The Punchline
The bartender slowly puts down his rag, taking in the heavy, depressed silence of the three holiest men in human history.
"Geez," the bartender says softly. "So... if you guys don't even drink, why are you hanging out in a bar?"
Jesus looks up, looking utterly defeated. "Because humanity completely missed the fact that all of our messages were supposed to be combined."
Muhammad nods in agreement. "Because none of those idiots ever actually listen to us."
Buddha sighs, resting his forehead on the counter. "...and we just needed a safe place to sit while the planet goes to hell."
The W**d Party
