03/04/2021
Breathe.. What is the most generous view I can take of myself in this moment.
This is my new mantra. It has the power to stop my negative self talk in its tracks. Thats if I remember to use it which is why I am writing this. To help forge a new habit and way of seeing. So! What is the most generous view I can take of myself in this moment?
I struggle with a belief that I’ll just never quite be good enough. The smallest mistake, the smallest misstep and I start to spin out. Essentially I have been at war with my humanness. I have it in my head that to be worthy you have to be more than your limitations and you have to overcome your imperfections.
I’ve read so many books and tried so many things to overcome my humanness. At the time I didn’t know that this was what I was doing. I was just trying not to hurt so much and feel so out of place in the world. I’ve always felt like everyone else got a handbook for how to move through the world in a productive way and somehow I didn’t get one. The world marches to a beat that I can’t always keep up with and if I want to be of value I better figure out how to catch up. Because of this way of thinking I have a long history of being at war with myself.
This being at war with ourselves shows up whenever we think we need to be more or in some cases less than we are. When what we perceive as being wrong with us becomes more real than what’s going right. When we don’t feel good enough, smart enough, creative enough, skinny enough, bla bla bla enough….. I’ll be happy when… These are all manifestations of our inability to be generous with ourselves.
Just writing this is making my heart feel tight like a fist. This is where the mantra comes in. Or the question that helps me reframe. What is the most generous view I can take of myself right now in this moment? Something about asking this question completely short circuits the old, frayed, worn out neural pathways in my brain. The reality is that the negative self talk is just that, an old worn out neural pathway. This war with myself is a habit, not a fact!
The reality is that there is another way to move through this life. One that isn’t so fraught with danger and sharp edges. Reframing the battle against myself with generosity feels like someone inflated a soft place to fall within my heart. It feels like the opening up of a wonderland that’s been hiding beneath my own nose this whole time. Because being allowed to be human means having the space to be who you are and to make mistakes. Having the space to make mistakes means you don’t have to know everything or be perfection at something before you get to move forward in living your life. This is the view that generosity has gifted me today.
I still have A LOT to learn on this path that at the age of 42 feels like its just opening. My hope is that I can save others some of the heart ache I’ve caused myself, lol! You don’t have to have the answer. You just have to ask the question. What is the most generous view I can take in this moment?
