Heart In Mind

02/27/2026

[The last post in the "You make sense" series of posts]

Sometimes, we may find ourselves loving or having loved someone that hurt us and on the surface, that can be confusing...to others and ourselves. This can lead to compounded hurt; the hurt that comes from the other person or thing that is hurting us and the hurt of being ashamed for being in this situation.

I would like to take this time to outline some reasons this seeming paradox actually does make sense. This information is based on my formal education/learnings about Attachment Theory, Trauma, and Domestic Violence (a form of trauma), as well as my lived experiences.

You may love/have loved someone that hurt you because:
1. At one point and even now, there are moments when they do not hurt you and you value these moments/hold them in high regard.
2. (Related to #1): You tell yourself that these moments where the other person or thing hurts you are an exception to the overall state of your relationship and you do not want to end the relationship based off of exceptions.
3. You depend on the other person for your survival in one way or another, including but not limited to: financial support, connections to others, knowledge/linkage to resources.
4. You feel great empathy for the person; you know how much they went through themselves and so, you offer them more chances/have more flexible boundaries with them.
5. You would feel too overwhelmed if you allowed yourself to fully recognize and feel how much they've hurt you. Your love for them allows/allowed you to endure the hurt through dulling or numbing the hurt (think: dissociation).
6. Part of your identity/sense of self-worth has become tied to the other person (who is hurting/has hurt you). You feel like it is your responsibility to make the other person stick around and moreover, to make the other person happy. You've conflated their happiness with your happiness. Their presence...with your worth.

I hope this list offers some clarity to this seeming paradox.
You do make sense.

Are there other reasons would you add to this list?

02/03/2026

How does this make sense?

Perhaps:
- You recognize that you don't have the capacity to support them in the ways they want/need OR vice versa (you recognize that they don't have the capacity to support you in the ways that you want/need)

- You deeply care/empathize with them, knowing what you know about their history, but they've crossed your boundaries too many times.

- You worry that if you let them into your life too much, they'll end up hurting you (like others have in the past)

What other reasons come to your mind that would lend to this seeming paradox?

01/26/2026

12/31/2025

As a therapist, I think one of the most unique aspects of my role is how I get to know each of the people I work with (aka my “clients, patients,” or other reference terms assigned by workplaces), on a deep level...often a level that many others don't get to know my clients/patients.

While getting to know my clients/patients on this deep level however, there also comes a time when I inevitably have to say goodbye to my clients/patients.

This post shares some of my reflections on my role as a therapist in relation to my clients/patients, as well as some reflections, including one of my favorite quotes, that has helped me (and that I'm hoping can help you all, whether you're a therapist or client), navigate the unique grief that comes with the goodbyes/endings to the therapeutic relationship.

12/23/2025

You make sense if you feel like you're too much and not enough at the same time.

This can be especially pronounce when you hold multiple identities. For example, for many Asian Americans, it is common to feel like you're too Asian among some of your non-Asian peers and not Asian enough among your Asian family and/or peers. There may be some sociocultural norms that you've adopted from your Asian American family and at the same time, sociocultural norms that you've adopted from your non-Asian peers.

As another example, for many trauma survivors, you may sometimes feel like you are too much and at other times, not enough for your peers and family who haven't endured similar trauma experiences. Your trauma survival responses (or in other words, what you had to do to survive your traumatic experiences) may posit you as "different" as you continue to experience life alongside others who did not endure the same traumatic experiences. You may for example, be more wary than others, when meeting new people because others in the past have deeply hurt you.

As a therapist for estrangement, I am conscientious of the connections between your trauma history and identities (sociocultural background, roles, etc.) and the challenges of estrangement. You make sense.

10/20/2025

You make sense if you need/want help at times...and you don't directly ask for help.

Because...Maybe when you've directly asked for help in the past,
- No one came or
- People said they would be there, but they ended up flaking or
- People have misread or minimized or denied your needs/wants or
- You received help followed by being shamed/admonished for needing/wanting/asking for help or
- People around you don't directly ask for help; it's seen as taboo or is otherwise, not the norm within your specific sociocultural background or
- You've given clear non-verbal cues that you need/want help...and you're not in the physical/mental space to be able to verbalize your need for help because you've become speechless from prolonged emotional/physical pain or
a combo of some or all of the above.

10/08/2025

The fact you've been able to take care of yourself, others...take care of so much, does not negate the fact that you also have limits within that ability.

You need and want help too and that totally makes sense. None of us were meant to be endless givers without ever receiving. Healthy relationships need to be reciprocal; there needs to be give-and-take (which is different than keeping count of who does what/how much/when).

In our moments of need, especially for those who are often otherwise very capable, we may not reach out for help and sadly, others may not reach out to offer help.

You can feel helpless/be stuck at times. And...you can still be independent/capable.

09/24/2025

The pain experienced in moments of hardship, trauma, etc. is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the enduring effects of these pain-points.

What often exacerbates and prolongs the pain is what happens afterwards: the missed experience and clarity that would help us to heal and move forward with our lives. In other words, what didn't happen that we needed to happen after the painful experience (i.e. comforting/reassuring words, affirmation of love/care, a hug, etc.)

To that end, here is the beginning of a series of posts I intend to make called, "You make sense..."

You make sense if you feel regretful that you did not get what you needed/wanted from your loved ones and at the same time...you feel grateful for what your loved ones could/did provide.

Your mixed feelings reflect your presence with all that is true for you...your younger self and your present-day self.

09/09/2025

Hi there! It's been a minute. Thank you for sticking by as I've been navigating the ebbs and flows of life as a fellow human-being. I try to remind myself and my clients that building connections (an essential part of healing) requires intentional effort AND breaks...that it's okay to not always be on AND it's important to show up when possible as well.

Here are some recent things I've been up to as a therapist and as a person overall:
- I've been working as a clinical supervisor for therapist trainees and associates (i.e. current graduate students and recent graduates of master's degree programs to become therapists)

- I've been navigating firsthand and in my work, the stressful and unnecessarily complex US healthcare system.

- I've continued my training in Attachment-Focused EMDR and am looking forward to further integrating this into my practice as a therapist.

- I've updated my website to more specifically explain what my private practice is all about: therapy for estrangement. Within the broader categories of intergenerational trauma and relational trauma (what I had listed before), I am particularly focused and passionate about addressing one of the aftermaths of these traumas--that of estrangement or the loss of relationships or closeness within relationships. I'm excited to share more with you all through future blogs and posts about this!

Looking forward to reconnecting.

~ Gina

04/28/2025

Are you living the life you imagined you would?
Do you see other people living the life you thought you'd have or the life you wish you could have had?

When we don't see our lives pan out the way we anticipated it would be, had planned for it to be, there is a very real sense of loss. Such losses are called "non-finite grief, living losses, or ambiguous grief."

In my latest blog, I discuss the impacts of theses losses/this type of grief and some ways for beginning to address it.

The link to the blog is in the bio.

04/24/2025

In honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month (April) this year, I am sharing some of my reflections about victim-blaming and one of the many reasons why it is unfortunately, so prevalent.

A term I first learned about last year from a Palestinian advocate came to mind in my own reflections: "The Perfect Victim."

The "Perfect Victim" in terms of sexual assault, is someone that society has fooled us into thinking is the only victim/survivor that is worthy of support.

- They are the victims that had absolutely no control/choice at any point (despite the fact that a lot of victims do initially choose to engage with the person who ends up violating them because they were under the false belief that the person wouldn't hurt them/that the person cared about them).

- They are the ones that loudly scream, "No" when someone violates them (even though research has shown that may survivors/victims experience an autonomic stress response that renders them speechless--called "Speechless Horror/Terror.")

-They are the ones that don't fight back too much or else, they are told that they deserved it or that the violence was mutual (despite the fact that one of people's survival insights is to fight back).

- They are the ones that immediately report their experiences to their loved ones and legal authorities (despite the fact that oftentimes, loved ones and legal authorities end up interrogating the victim/survivor so much instead of offering compassion/concern, that the victim/survivor ends up feeling worse).

There is a lot more to be said on this topic, but for now, I'd just like to end on:
- Please stay curious/compassionate towards each other and yourself.
- Please remember that we are multi-faceted human-beings who can have an array of responses that seemingly don't mesh.

04/07/2025

One of the hardest things about life is that we cannot change what's already happened, which includes the horrific things that might have happened to us.

A lot of my clients have understandably asked things like, "What can be done if I can't change the past then? Is there anything that can be done?"

In short? Yes, there are thankfully some things that can still be done so that your suffering doesn't further leak into other aspects of your life. My commitment as a therapist is to help you identify and strengthen the resources that will allow you to create and live the life that you need moving forward.

(This quote was shared with my peers and I during the "Attachment-Focused EMDR" training I attended these last 2 months.)