Heart In Mind

04/07/2026

Hi! I wanted to come on here and say welcome to my newer followers and also say hello again to my followers from before. I appreciate each and every one of you for your support!

I am a licensed therapist with a background in clinical social work, based in the Bay Area, California, working with adults all across California. I specialize in supporting individuals who are navigating the difficulties of estrangement, especially among those who identify as young adults, Asian Americans, and caregivers. This specialty is rooted in my lived and professional experiences. I know that for many people, estrangement from loved ones has been at the core of many of their related struggles: self-esteem, identity, relationship challenges, burn-out, etc.

I recently re-launched my website, which includes a new blog I wrote, reflecting on what exactly is meant by "estrangement" and the complexities of navigating it (the link is in the bio).

I've included a quote from it here (see the next page >>)

03/20/2026

Like many others, I've been thinking a lot about the recent news about Cesar Chavez; reports of his long history of sexually abusing children and sexually abusing/raping his fellow civil rights/labor rights activist and co-founder of the United Farm Workers Association, Dolores Huerta.

As a therapist for estrangement, a topic that comes up a lot is:
how to heal from harm that is caused by someone one loved/cared about/was told loved them/cared about them...or
Deciding whether or not one wants/needs to keep a relationship where they've been repeatedly hurt/harmed/misunderstood/unseen...or how they want to remember the person who hurt them...who might have also helped them at other times.

No one can decide these things for any other person...and honestly, it is harmful for any person, including a therapist, to make that decision for someone. It's harmful because not only will I/nor anyone ever know all of you and your life to make a fully-informed decision, but also, if I told you what to do, it would replicate a dynamic that is seen within abusive relationships: Someone telling you what to do/making decisions for you/gaslighting you into thinking you don't know what you're seeing/experiencing with your own own senses.

In this post, I expand upon some of the other thoughts/questions that have come to mind as I've thought about this recent news. I'm hoping that they offer a starting point for greater reflection among us all so that we can address the underlying factors that breed abusive behaviors.

03/12/2026

Many of us may have played the roles of the "strong one," the "bigger person," the "peacemaker," and other roles of this nature.

And while these Parts of us are valuable, necessary, and genuine, there are other Parts of us that may have fallen by the wayside in the process. The Parts of us that yearned for a break from frequently carrying others through their problems, carrying others through their distress, carrying others through unresolved/long suppressed familial/historical/generational trauma.

We all need experiences where we get to be the ones who are held, where we can fall or even collapse...knowing that someone will be there to catch us.

If you find yourself often exhausted or burnt-out, perhaps it may be the result of this constant giving, holding...compromising even...your own needs over others. (And admittedly, I know these sentiments are influenced by Western/individualistic cultural values. What I'm proposing however is how can we balance all of what makes us us...all of what we need to feel whole.)

03/11/2026

Awhile back, I made a post on here and wrote a blog about "Non-finite grief/Ambiguous grief: Intangible, living losses."

That's a whole mouthful that in summary, references the experience of grieving things that are still technically within reach, but are not for different reasons. This is in essence, the experience of estrangement.

In this post, I reflect a bit more on one of the losses many of us may have experienced: the loss of joy in experiencing/doing something just for the sake of experiencing/doing it. For many, especially among those who grew up in more collectivist cultures, we might have been discouraged from doing much outside of what we were "good" at. Hobbies/interests may have become performative; they may have become a source of pride OR a source of embarrassment for our families and subsequently, ourselves.

As always, I welcome your own thoughts/reflections/questions.


*The link to the blog can be found in my bio.

02/27/2026

[The last post in the "You make sense" series of posts]

Sometimes, we may find ourselves loving or having loved someone that hurt us and on the surface, that can be confusing...to others and ourselves. This can lead to compounded hurt; the hurt from the other person that is hurting us, the hurt of having no one who understands us, and the hurt of being ashamed for being in this situation.

I would like to take this time to outline some reasons this seeming paradox actually does make sense. This information is based on my formal education/learnings about Attachment Theory, Trauma, and Domestic Violence (a form of trauma), as well as my lived experiences.

You may love/have loved someone that hurt you because:
1. At one point and even now, there are moments when they do not hurt you and you value these moments/hold them in high regard.
2. (Related to #1): You tell yourself that these moments where the other person or thing hurts you are an exception to the overall state of your relationship and you do not want to end the relationship based off of exceptions.
3. You depend on the other person for your survival in one way or another, including but not limited to: financial support, connections to others, knowledge/linkage to resources.
4. You feel great empathy for the person; you know how much they went through themselves and so, you offer them more chances/have more flexible boundaries with them.
5. You would feel too overwhelmed if you allowed yourself to fully recognize and feel how much they've hurt you. Your love for them allows/allowed you to endure the hurt through dulling or numbing the hurt (think: dissociation).
6. Part of your identity/sense of self-worth has become tied to the other person (who is hurting/has hurt you). You feel like it is your responsibility to make the other person stick around and moreover, to make the other person happy. You've conflated their happiness with your happiness. Their presence...with your worth.

I hope this list offers some clarity to this seeming paradox.
You do make sense.

Are there other reasons would you add to this list?

02/03/2026

How does this make sense?

Perhaps:
- You recognize that you don't have the capacity to support them in the ways they want/need OR vice versa (you recognize that they don't have the capacity to support you in the ways that you want/need)

- You deeply care/empathize with them, knowing what you know about their history, but they've crossed your boundaries too many times.

- You worry that if you let them into your life too much, they'll end up hurting you (like others have in the past)

What other reasons come to your mind that would lend to this seeming paradox?

01/26/2026

12/31/2025

As a therapist, I think one of the most unique aspects of my role is how I get to know each of the people I work with (aka my “clients, patients,” or other reference terms assigned by workplaces), on a deep level...often a level that many others don't get to know my clients/patients.

While getting to know my clients/patients on this deep level however, there also comes a time when I inevitably have to say goodbye to my clients/patients.

This post shares some of my reflections on my role as a therapist in relation to my clients/patients, as well as some reflections, including one of my favorite quotes, that has helped me (and that I'm hoping can help you all, whether you're a therapist or client), navigate the unique grief that comes with the goodbyes/endings to the therapeutic relationship.

12/23/2025

You make sense if you feel like you're too much and not enough at the same time.

This can be especially pronounce when you hold multiple identities. For example, for many Asian Americans, it is common to feel like you're too Asian among some of your non-Asian peers and not Asian enough among your Asian family and/or peers. There may be some sociocultural norms that you've adopted from your Asian American family and at the same time, sociocultural norms that you've adopted from your non-Asian peers.

As another example, for many trauma survivors, you may sometimes feel like you are too much and at other times, not enough for your peers and family who haven't endured similar trauma experiences. Your trauma survival responses (or in other words, what you had to do to survive your traumatic experiences) may posit you as "different" as you continue to experience life alongside others who did not endure the same traumatic experiences. You may for example, be more wary than others, when meeting new people because others in the past have deeply hurt you.

As a therapist for estrangement, I am conscientious of the connections between your trauma history and identities (sociocultural background, roles, etc.) and the challenges of estrangement. You make sense.

10/20/2025

You make sense if you need/want help at times...and you don't directly ask for help.

Because...Maybe when you've directly asked for help in the past,
- No one came or
- People said they would be there, but they ended up flaking or
- People have misread or minimized or denied your needs/wants or
- You received help followed by being shamed/admonished for needing/wanting/asking for help or
- People around you don't directly ask for help; it's seen as taboo or is otherwise, not the norm within your specific sociocultural background or
- You've given clear non-verbal cues that you need/want help...and you're not in the physical/mental space to be able to verbalize your need for help because you've become speechless from prolonged emotional/physical pain or
a combo of some or all of the above.

10/08/2025

The fact you've been able to take care of yourself, others...take care of so much, does not negate the fact that you also have limits within that ability.

You need and want help too and that totally makes sense. None of us were meant to be endless givers without ever receiving. Healthy relationships need to be reciprocal; there needs to be give-and-take (which is different than keeping count of who does what/how much/when).

In our moments of need, especially for those who are often otherwise very capable, we may not reach out for help and sadly, others may not reach out to offer help.

You can feel helpless/be stuck at times. And...you can still be independent/capable.

09/24/2025

The pain experienced in moments of hardship, trauma, etc. is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the enduring effects of these pain-points.

What often exacerbates and prolongs the pain is what happens afterwards: the missed experience and clarity that would help us to heal and move forward with our lives. In other words, what didn't happen that we needed to happen after the painful experience (i.e. comforting/reassuring words, affirmation of love/care, a hug, etc.)

To that end, here is the beginning of a series of posts I intend to make called, "You make sense..."

You make sense if you feel regretful that you did not get what you needed/wanted from your loved ones and at the same time...you feel grateful for what your loved ones could/did provide.

Your mixed feelings reflect your presence with all that is true for you...your younger self and your present-day self.