https://www.facebook.com/105697109046639/

Co-Creating Transformation, Farmington, NY (2026)

02/14/2026

I do love love.
But valentine's day is a money grab in this capitalistic hellscape we live in.

"Putting down the roses
Picking up the sword ...
When I'm done dancing to alarm bells
No wonder my ears are still ringing "
Aqua Regia by Sleep Token

02/13/2026

It can be both, really but yeah... Mostly the second one

Damocles
https://youtu.be/0NDqYZVbpho?si=JaHgbiWnsLkSi0YG

02/10/2026

No, not bo***ge, just leg and glute day 🦵

Delayed on the way due to muskrat activity. Little guy was wandering all over the road. He took refuge in my wheel while we waited for help to arrive. He is on his way to Cornell animal hospital with, at the very least, an injured tail.

I dont know what's got it's teeth in me
But im about to bite back in anger..
My, my those eyes like fire
Im a winged insect
You're a funeral pyre.
https://youtu.be/vFHBOKa_ZG0?si=1tCqMZZrOLmdJgiY

02/09/2026

It will come as no surprise that I like to read. When im not reading non fiction to expand my mind, I read fantasy to escape it and the real world. I like the worlds of witches, faries, vampires, dragons, and magic. I prefer to not read the romantasy but of course I have and do read them.
While all fantasy can still parallel real life in their themes (Michael J Sullivan did a superb job of this with little to no romance) I find it difficult for my heart to take the romance. For a long time i skipped over reading particular scenes. It's all too real in the ways that I want life to be, but is not. A life where people see the darkness of themselves reflected in the other and rather than running away they run towards each other; finally finding someone who understands and doesnt run, doesn't waver in their choice to love devotedly and they choose each other every day. Characters who have difficult conversations and repair their relationship. Who doesnt want that?

One thing ive been saying to myself lately is my Wife would *never*
Now, I dont necessarily want to get married again, but the person who will be in my life next, the person who loves me, would *never* do some of the things I've accepted from people in the past. One thing the past few months have given me is a clearer look at how I have allowed myself to be treated.
And will never allow again.
I will be loved like a Sleep Token song and nothing less.

Mine
https://youtu.be/wa4JgsPS4AQ?si=fDF1SBzeUrGoZSGj
Also, Rain, Alkaline , Fall for you just to name a few.

02/06/2026

I often have vivid dreams, full of color. Sometimes I even ask the universe for dreams that can give me answers and clarity I seek. When I can remember the dream details and how I feel in them, I know i need to pay attention.
When I was married, I had recurring nightmares about tornadoes and driving off cliffs, expressway exchanges, or bridges.
When I was in my first relationship after my divorce I had a lot of tsunami or flooding dreams.
Lately I havent had a recurring theme, but I have had certain people in them, one being my high school boyfriend who died 2 years ago. He has come to me quite a bit.
In the latest dream, he and I were walking to see his mother in Naples. It was a sunny day as we approached a road that was the usual way to get there but the road was new. It was a road of white stones. Not cobblestones or neatly placed bricks in a path but loose white stones maybe the size of sweat potatoes. There was a low cobblestone wall off to the right of the road and it overlooked a body of clear bright blue water. We could see to the bottom where statues of large reptile figures from an ancient civilization must have fallen or naturally lost to the water.
When I woke I knew there was significance in the white road and him being there as someone who i do think checks in on me every now and then from the other side.
I know my path has and will continue to bring me to bright, meaningful, and fulfilling days. It was no surprise to me that when I looked up potential meaning of the white stone road it said it is the beginning of a pure and purposeful chapter in life. A shedding of old ways and embracing a new life. 🤍🤍🤍

Aqua Regia by Sleep Token
https://youtu.be/nVE1ziLuSNg?si=tHElR86V5KWH_1gf

02/04/2026

When I was in my 20s I tried to have a conversation with one of my sisters about how her treatment of me in childhood has impacted my self concept. She said, dont play the victim.
This sentiment has stuck with me.
Flash to my marriage where I felt I was the one responsibile for everything that happened. If I had an issue that was the thing- i had an issue - not that there was an actual issue. Or, the way I said the issue was a problem that took precedent over the issue I brought up.
Flash to post divorce.
I began to read more, expand my mind, and work on recognizing my patterns. I've worked diligently on taking control of my mind, thoughts, feelings, and my life.
I came across the concept of radical responsibility and really took a deep dive into how I contribute to my own pain and the circumstances of my life. Choices I made and things I ignored. Ive shed many tears and had to forgive myself many times for behaviors and actions towards myself and others.

Relationships are complex. People are complex. Things arent black and white. Rarely is there a clear villian vs victim. Most times, all parties involved in an issue share responsibility for the dynamic. Most times, there is nuance.
Lately I've wondered if I've taken it too far by ignoring all the times others didnt take their share of accountability and responsibility.
I tend to forgoe judgement for understanding. I transumute unfortunate situations by dissecting them to find a lesson- to grow. To ensure I dont repeat unhealthy choices or actions.
I forgive easily because of course you did that- you are human. It is what I would want from someone. It is what I crave- to be seen, understood, given grace, valued for my Light and Dark parts.
Forgiven.
These days though... I wonder if I've taken on too much. More than what is mine.
And, (you know I love a well placed "and")
I wonder if sometimes,
Some people,
Are simply a$$holes.

Granite by Sleep Token
https://youtu.be/om4dEGKnEmw?si=uCjT812_Q_LL4gXD

02/02/2026

I know im not an influencer
I dont have many followers, and most of you know me in real life.
So this will come as no big shock but I will say it for people who may stumble upon my page.
- LGBTQ + (I am q***r and NOT a TERF)
-abolish ice
-we live on stolen land
-black lives matter
-f@ck tr@mp
-release the epstein files

That's the simple truth for me folks.

I choose to focus on love and empowering individuals because once we become empowered we see things around us more clearly. We start to see the ways in which our culture has seduced us into complacency and into narratives that do not serve us or our communities.
I want to help those in my corner of the world so that the ripples created can effect more and more people so hopefully one day our descendants dont have to deal with our failures.

01/31/2026

As dreams from the night linger
I look forward to a grand future.

"Let's search the sky for a while
You and I
Collide like two stars, for a while
You and i"
https://youtu.be/akaTxXs7D6g?si=DJZd7eAGg_hyruFr

Pic from 1/30/26. Peep the 🌈

01/29/2026

Part 3
let's nerd out on brain science!
In his book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Dr. Joe talks about how when we have an emotional experience, the feelings will literally release hormones/chemicals associated with the emotion. Because we continually have the emotional experience, our cells create receptor sites for the chemicals released during that emotion (this is a very, very abridged version of the science; I highly recommend his book). For instance, if you constantly feel guilty, your cells have receptor sites for the hormones associated with guilt. The cells in your body now expect, want, and crave those chemicals.
You’re addicted.
Your brain obliges and gives you thoughts to keep you in guilt. Then maybe one day you realize, “I am always feeling guilty! I need to change this.” So you begin to alter your thoughts, wanting to live differently. Well, the body doesn’t like that so much. It needs that hit of guilt. Youre a fiend for it.
The body will then sends signals for your brain to have guilt ridden thoughts so it can get its fix. You're addicted to guilt.
This was me. I spent most of my life feeling at fault. That I am to blame for everything that was wrong; that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me as a person. I somehow got that message in childhood and my marriage perpetuated it for 17 more years. Then in 2020, after my divorce and living out as a q***r woman for the first time, I began transforming myself, my thoughts, and my life. It took a few years to get to a good place. And I was.
Then I relapsed (the Event).
My body was flooded with its chemicals of choice - good ole’ guilt and shame. Guilt and shame for my actions and an additional dose of shame for letting the situation as a whole affect me the way it was (it wasn't "supposed" to). I was once again drowning in guilt and shame, stuck in the past, unable to move forward no matter what I tried.
Another layer as to why I couldn't move through the experience can be explained by brain waves.
When we are conscious, our brains produce Beta waves. There are three levels - low, mid, and high Beta. High Beta is associated with fight or flight. The mind is “amped up” and the body is stimulated. The body and brain produce survival chemicals that cause high arousal. This is meant to be a temporary state to get you through a threat in the environment. It is not a state to learn, create, problem solve, or heal. Dr Joe states “high beta is terribly overutilized by the majority of the population,” meaning that most of us are stuck in this survival mode brain wave frequency. The brain is on a fast cycle that stresses the entire system and when we are in this state for a prolonged period it can cause disease.
What really made my jaw hit the floor was when I read “we obsess about problems rather than thinking about solutions.” Then the KO hit: “your analysis is creating higher and higher frequencies of Beta. Thinking in this mode causes your brain to overreact; you reason poorly and think without clarity.”
Wellbutrin is a stimulant. It had me stuck in high Beta. No matter what I did, that daily pill was keeping me in an unhealthy, unproductive brain wave pattern. No wonder my normal coping skills were useless!
Reading this made the missing piece slide into place. I had been asking myself why this situation was affecting me so deeply and why I couldn't seem to shake the effects of the fallout. Why it seemed like I wasn’t making progress even though I was doing ALL THE THINGS to take care of and love myself.
No amount of self love could override what was happening in my brain (believe me, I was trying).

I’m sure a lot of people who take Wellbutrin feel better on it. I did for a time and it did help me with my food patterns long enough to establish new habits. I am grateful for the boost it gave me in that respect. Eventually I will be more grateful for the psychological effect it had on me. For now, this understanding alone has taken a great weight off my shoulders. I wasn’t crazy. I didn’t need a lobotomy or to be committed to an institution. I needed to be off the pharmaceutical.
I needed my pure Self back.
And now She is.

Past Self by Sleep Token
I feel the “you” he refers to is a higher power, higher self, or source, not an actual other person.
https://youtu.be/GSkY_xmkoYg?si=VqmgeuyJHw3VwX4q

01/28/2026

Part 2
In order to make the connection to the science that I will talk about in part 3, I need to give some background info and context to what I had experienced for months.
Before I go any further let me assure you, I am now thriving again. I finally feel back to Myself.
I've been off Wellbutrin since mid November and I am back in control of wrangling my mind.
I feel reasonable, logical, and able to talk through negative thought patterns and negative self-talk, which are thankfully back to a minimum anyway. I’d say that this month especially I have felt like ME.
This was something that I had almost mastered before. It was second nature for me to speak kindly to myself. I didn’t have to think about giving grace, compassion, and understanding to myself. I felt secure in who I Am. I loved my big Heart and was proud of all I had changed about my inner life.
Until the Event.
It wasn’t so much what happened or who was involved (I do not blame them. At. All.) as much as the implications to my character and self concept.
After that Event (which was about mid June), I fell back into old thought patterns; ones I thought I had resolved.
To the outside world I was hiking, taking classes, reading books, going on vacations and adventures, spending time with friends and my kids, going to the gym, and accomplishing a lot of goals I had set for the year.
Inside, I was tormenting myself.
Inside, everything I Knew about my Self, Life, Love, and Faith had collapsed, trapping me. Upon waking every morning, the onslaught of thought would start again; every once in a while getting so loud and persistent that I didn’t want to be alive.
There was a never ending loop of what ifs, reviewing everything I did wrong, reviewing what the other person had done and said. Realizing how Wrong I was about something I had felt Absolutely Certain about.
But mostly, realizing how right the things they had said about me were.
I felt like a horrible person. I was back to believing negative core beliefs I had about myself prior to all the self work I had done (and discovered new ones for funsies). The Faith I had in my Self and my Knowing were shaken; my foundation had crumbled.
I spent every day taking care of myself in any way I could in order to love myself again. I lamented to my friends and therapist - why aren't the usual methods and concepts helping me anymore?? In fact, they were making me angry!! Simply irate.
After I made the Wellbutrin connection and stopped taking it, my mind slowed down. I felt pieces of Me slowly returning. I continued the work i had established and added new habits. I started to take more pride in what I had accomplished this past year.
Then I began reading the fascinating book called Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose your Mind and Create a New Life by Dr. Joe Dispenza and everything made much more sense; there was a scientific level to what was happening in my brain.

Euclid
https://youtu.be/DDdByJYUVeA?si=I3-cieP9FEdVfuVk
(I would replace the lyric "that nothing else matters" with " no coincidences"

01/26/2026

I’ve had iterations of this post saved in my drafts for a bit. I’ve debated whether or not to share such sensitive and vulnerable information. Obviously I have chosen to. Maybe it will help someone.
Long post (this is part 1)
*trigger warning: my experience with wellbutrin and suicidal-adjacent thoughts*

Last January my doctor suggested Wellbutrin as an appetite control method (I am extremely resistant to ozempic even though I am diabetic).
Wellbutrin is also an anti depressant, which I figured would be an added bonus for me, since I've had episodic depression in the past.
It did help me to resist my typical coping strategy of over eating. I found it easier to make healthy choices and didn't need as much food to feel satisfied.
However, around November, I realized it had become less effective; I was giving in to my impulses while in luteal and menstrual phases of my cycle, eating a little more than was necessary, and giving in to cravings (🤤 bread). It was also around this time I made a connection between the medication and thoughts I was having.
I dont want to characterize them as suicidal thoughts but they werent regular, existential crisis musings either. I didn't have a plan or thoughts about the act. Instead, I had a recurring theme of “I don't want to be alive.” Or that I'd rather sleep and not have to participate in life; that existing was really too much to ask. I would allow the feelings and thoughts to come, I'd cry, journal, and get into bed as soon as my responsibilities were done, though I'd often lie awake for hours before falling asleep or wake early in the morning and not fall back to sleep. The thoughts would usually last one day; not exactly fleeting, but they also didn't linger too long, so I told no one. In addition to those thoughts, I also had several occasions of feeling like I had completely lost my mind. I did tell my friends about this and on more than one occasion I had said - “I feel like I need to be committed,” or, “I need a lobotomy,” due to obsessive thinking about one particular situation in my life that i refer to as The Event. It effected the way I see myself- it propelled me into a deep dive of my Self, which I needed. But I was super hard on myself. I reverted to old internal narratives. I had an incessant carousel of thought about this Event, so much so I wished to excise the part of my brain responsible for it.
Then one day I had the idea that my death could give my children the catalyst they need to spur their lives into some grand direction - that they needed my death to achieve their fullest potential.
It was only then that I realized these thoughts were dangerous and not normal. And that there must be a cause.
I stopped taking Wellbutrin mid November.
I have had moments of sadness and loneliness since then, but they no longer get to the extreme. My emotions have leveled out. I feel like Me again.
I'm thankful that I eventually recognized the irregularity of my thinking pattern.
Wellbutrin is a stimulant. It can cause anxiety/racing thoughts and suicidal ideation so it seems reasonable to believe that it contributed a fair amount to my obsessive thoughts and inability to resolve my feelings about the Event.
I had read that Wellbutrin is a stimulant, but for some reason it didn’t click to me that the brain is stimulated, not necessarily the body. Stimulant to me meant heart racing, more energy, more motivation (and it did give me some of that). I hadn’t considered the effect on my brain, which, i realize, was the whole point of the medication in the first place (don’t judge my ignorance!)
Part 2 will explain more about brain activity and exactly what was happening with mine.

Depression can take on many faces. It looks different on everyone and no one is immune to it. Oftentimes it is the people with the biggest smile who hide the most pain.

Everything in my Mind by Nevertel
https://youtu.be/xt949aDWz-M?si=9x_J_LHeyffLr2cL

Co-Creating Transformation

02/14/2026

02/13/2026

02/10/2026

02/09/2026

02/06/2026

02/04/2026

02/02/2026

01/31/2026

01/29/2026

01/28/2026

01/26/2026

Address

Telephone

Website

Alerts

Contact The Practice

Shortcuts

Share

Category