02/04/2026
When I was in my 20s I tried to have a conversation with one of my sisters about how her treatment of me in childhood has impacted my self concept. She said, dont play the victim.
This sentiment has stuck with me.
Flash to my marriage where I felt I was the one responsibile for everything that happened. If I had an issue that was the thing- i had an issue - not that there was an actual issue. Or, the way I said the issue was a problem that took precedent over the issue I brought up.
Flash to post divorce.
I began to read more, expand my mind, and work on recognizing my patterns. I've worked diligently on taking control of my mind, thoughts, feelings, and my life.
I came across the concept of radical responsibility and really took a deep dive into how I contribute to my own pain and the circumstances of my life. Choices I made and things I ignored. Ive shed many tears and had to forgive myself many times for behaviors and actions towards myself and others.
Relationships are complex. People are complex. Things arent black and white. Rarely is there a clear villian vs victim. Most times, all parties involved in an issue share responsibility for the dynamic. Most times, there is nuance.
Lately I've wondered if I've taken it too far by ignoring all the times others didnt take their share of accountability and responsibility.
I tend to forgoe judgement for understanding. I transumute unfortunate situations by dissecting them to find a lesson- to grow. To ensure I dont repeat unhealthy choices or actions.
I forgive easily because of course you did that- you are human. It is what I would want from someone. It is what I crave- to be seen, understood, given grace, valued for my Light and Dark parts.
Forgiven.
These days though... I wonder if I've taken on too much. More than what is mine.
And, (you know I love a well placed "and")
I wonder if sometimes,
Some people,
Are simply a$$holes.
Granite by Sleep Token
https://youtu.be/om4dEGKnEmw?si=uCjT812_Q_LL4gXD
