03/07/2026
Repost from 2019. I felt a need to repost this.
Jessica blog moment, read if you dare, its LONG. Been a hot minute since I've posted a raw post.
I started my morning as usual. Rolled over and looked at my phone. Decided to glance at Facebook for a minute. Post after post of negative. I'm starting to realize that the decisions you make in life that terrifies you. The ones the physically make you sick in fear. Is your minds old negativity trying to hold you back. I've been making myself do things lately that take me out of my comfort zone. And it's scary but empowering. It honestly feels like the moment before I would stand up to perform back in the day when I was pursuing a singing career. That feeling of a rush and fear and telling yourself to breath. You either kill it or realize you need to work harder. But that rush gets you to the next level. If you focus on the negative in everything in your life you will live a life of battle, letdown and challenge. Alone and miserable. Until you change your mind. Now I'm in no way saying I don't have bad days. Hell if you knew the inside of my head and the kind of week I had and week that faces me.... well we won't go there. It's not easy to smile even though you want to cry. It's not easy watching everyone else get happiness when you get opposite. But I choose to not take these things in life so hard. It's simply the universe redirecting my course. A negative mindset breeds negative outcomes. If you are alone and miserable its because you are focusing on the miserable. Too scared to change. You project negativity and you receive bad experiences. Instead I have been focusing on positive. It's not easy. But there are things I have faced in life that will never be known on social media or even my friends. For a long time I lived in a mindset of "why me". Feeding negativity. Letting that experience win. Letting that person win. Standing still in life. I'm a very spiritual person. Not religious. Not in a modern day worship mindset. But universal mindset. I've learned my reaction to a bad experience is key to what will come back. If your car dies what lesson are you supposed to see. Maybe it was to lead you to that repair shop to have that conversation with the attendant who was having a bad day and thinking of su***de but that conversation gave them hope and steered that course. Maybe you got fired so that you would be free to find the job that will allow you to succeed and be the mentor someone else needed to excel in their job, keeping them from being fired. Maybe you experienced a bad relationship to teach you how to be a better partner for the right person. Instead of losing the right one because you had not experienced how to be a good partner. Hense not appreciating what you have because you have never had less. It's all about a change of mindset. Everything happens for a reason. The universe has a plan mapped out anyway so fighting it will just make your experience harder. It's all about energy. Try it for 1 week. React positive to everything. Be kind to those you can't stand. Eliminate negative people from your life. Be watchful for signs like seeing a certain number repetitively or a song on the radio. What were you thinking about right before that happened? What message are you supposed to hear from that and let it guide your decision. Instead of ignoring the cashier at Walmart, ask them how they are. Smile at the person who walks down the hall avoiding eye contact because they are the ones with the most on their minds. I say that because that person is/ was me. When something bad happens this week focus on what lesson you are to learn from this before you react. I know I probably sound like a loon but I'm just Jess. I promise you, you don't know my experiences because I hide alot. I chose to move forward and not live in the past. It finds me sometimes, I get angry and explode. But I'm working on that. It's less and less. I would say my biggest challenge is feeling utterly alone in the world. It terrifies me. I have friends on Facebook, old friends across the us, and a few local friends I rarely see because we have busy lives, but outside of that I am alone. I put mountains up in front of me. Not allowing anyone to get close to me and those I let close are typically ignored till I can see that no matter what side of me they see they stay around and don't leave. Because my fear I face, my demons, are that everyone leaves. I like being alone because only I will judge me. But I am learning that instead of focusing in energy of fear, of hurt, of the scares, of my past of consistent rejection (being cheated on over and over, feeling not good enough, feeling ugly), focusing on the fact that the universe removed them from my path to help me grow, or protect me from further pain. I wish I'd have learned that years ago. But one of my new co workers and I talked the other day, a fellow single mom who had kids young, my sister had shared a post reminding me of a traumatic time in my life that caused me to go through a surgery, I commented "do you ever wish you could go back and kick yourself in the face? Like, if I could go back to 15 smack some sense into her and tell her not to settle, or to the first time of being cheated on, to be strong enough to know her worth and walk away." But I wouldn't have my kid's, I wouldn't be Jessica. I wouldn't have the strength and knowing I have now. I realized instead of thinking "they did horrible things" to "they did bad things that were unacceptable but they have to live with that, I get to live with the gifts that experience brought me", it all makes me feel really old because I also have a old soul. So instead of thinking "the best years of my life were wasted so now I'm just old" I've been thinking "I got the hard stuff out of the way early so now I can be happy and enjoy my age, well others are just starting life. " cause in reality I'm not old. I'm actually at the age I'd planned to just start having kids and setting down. I'm one of the youngest moms at my kids school lol. My daughter says all the kids comment about how lucky she is to have a young mom. So what, life took a different course for me. I can start over and have the life I wanted all along. And I can do it on my own. I have for the last 9 years. It's all about the positive. So try it a week and go from there. I dare you all. Change your mind, pay attention to the signs the universe gives you to guide you. I promise it's worth it.
