01/24/2021
Allowed to Be…
Undergrad. Ice skating class. The professor just finished the introduction; I am excited to begin learning how to skate. I’m at a school well-known for an athlete who had won a medal for his dance skills on the ice. Maybe I would learn a thing a two. But first, I needed to check for clarity regarding the dress code. I stood in disbelief as the teacher said that I could not take her class if I did not wear pants. I did not know enough to push against an arbitrary rule that conflicted with my religious conviction. I was naïve, sheltered, which was the reason I had opted to go away to college in the first place. Lessons were going to come at me quick. I did not stay off the ice though. I went back, not as part of a class, but with friends. I learned to move on my own, not dance, but move nonetheless. I had fun despite that professor telling me I couldn’t. Not just on the ice but also while riding horses, obstacle racing, 4-wheeling, hiking, swimming, skydiving, hitting the mission field, and so much more over the years…dressed per my convictions, being me.
Fast forward.
Grad school, master’s program applying for the doctorate track. “’They’ did not want to let you in.” I did not know who “they” were but “they” apparently were trying to overlook the fact that I had gotten all As thus far in my master courses, was assisting in running a research lab, had As in the courses I took prior to applying for graduate school, and came into the academic world with work experience in scientific research. I was told that those who knew me were behind me, but those who didn’t were questioning what I could bring to the table and how I would fare. I got in, continued to help run the lab, obtained a grant to fund my research, maintained all As, served in student leadership positions, assisted with research projects, co-published articles, and created study guides for myself that were circulated among the students long after I graduated. A year into the doctorate program, I had a meeting with one of the professors. He shared that he had initially recommended that I not be accepted in the program based on my undergraduate performance. I don’t know if he was the ‘’they’’ I was told about, but he acknowledged that he had pegged me wrong.
My track record helped legitimize me academically and professionally but did not prevent other experiences. I recall being told that it would be “easier” to award me a minority award if I were more Spanish. I also was once told, “I know people with your background need to be in control.” My thoughts raced. “People with my background? What?! Which one would that be? Those who grew up with limited finances? Those who were Hispanic?” It seemed as if there were many corners that held either demands to be someone else or unspoken challenges to prove that someone’s notions, perceptions, biases were unfounded and inaccurate.
It was work just to “be”…and not just in the aforementioned areas but also in my romantic preferences, my spirituality, my balance as a professional and a parent…life.
Maybe, just maybe, this is the way you have felt or are currently feeling. Maybe you feel as if you are working hard just to be who you are while trying to challenge misconceptions or biases. Maybe you are swimming upstream while it appears that everyone else is swimming down. Maybe you are battling seemingly unique obstacles that others cannot understand or that others appear to be blatantly turning a blind eye towards. Whatever the case…you can continue to “be.” Be that person who holds on to those values, that dream, that conviction, that hope. Be that person who continues to strive for what you feel is right while not disregarding, demeaning, undermining the emotions, values, experiences of others. Be…and let others see what being can become.
